THOTZZZZ

F1

2011-07-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

Well definitely not about F1 race. F1 - Help..which also as a short key has become short.The best happiness lies in helping someone may be a stranger who is in need. Day before when I was walking towards home saw a old man carrying so many bags in the signal.Thought I will help him in carrying those bags. But now the world has become such a place that even if you offer help people might doubt you..what if she ran away with my bag :-). But somehow he accepted. He said he is going to Faith clinic which is opposite to my house. He said he is 80 and his vision is getting dim each passing day. He was having trouble conversing in English and started to tell something in chinese which I literally didnt understood. We reached the clininc and after he registred I wanted to go home. The clinic was full and am sure it would take anouther 1 and half hour. Its already late and my 3 year old will be waiting for me at home. My heart was requesting me to stay there and take the old man back but I couldnt do it because Anannaya will be waiting for me. And no charge in my mobile to call and tell home that i will be late. I told in the counter about the old man. She gave me a strange look and said she will take care. I told bye to him. He smiled and said thank you dear.

But somehow I felt incomplete. It felt bad that I couldnt do much to help him and may be like him so many people whom I could never help.Not only to strangers even some time to close relatives and bestest friends because of our situation we are not able to help and it feels worse. What is the poin of life if you cant help who are close to our heart. Really hate those kind of situations which in the end makes you feel awful..and which even kind of strains the relationship.

I once was talking to my uncle when I was really down because of this and was like about to cry that I am not a good friend am not able to help them and whatever I do to help is like peanuts when compared to what others are doing. I was telling that it feels like am giving lame excuses.

Then he told me a small story. When Rama wanted to cross lanka he wanted to build a bridge and the huge vanara seva was there helping him to construct the bridge. There was a little squirrel who wanted to help too but couldnt help because of its size. When it carried some sand to fill in the stones the monkeys there scolded him saying he is actually disturbing instead of helping :-). Its like stay away thats the best help you could offer.

The squirrel felt sad and then Rama who observed it took the squirrel in hand and told the monkeys that..how muchever stones you put in..in between there is a gap which gets filled by the sand the squirrel brings in. So never degrade anyone who comes to help by putting their heart into it. Then he carressed the squirrle and thats how squirrels got those three lines which are actually Ramas fingers.

Well It did help to lift my mood up. Ya sometimes life puts us in very different circumstances and people that..we are not able to do what our heart says. Kind of tied up situation. But I guess I should always try to follow what my heart says if it doesnt hurt people around.

Help Ever. Hurt Never.

Relaxed....

2011-07-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

The last one week was like roller coaster ride. Fever up...Fever Down..n No Sleep...Just Tired...But from Friday eve..it was different..Friday around 8:30 I came down and was waiting for cab..No cab..so started walking and it was drizzling with a cool breeze..But somehow didnt feel like walking alone so I went back to office called a cab and took cab home..And then great time started..

When I went home my daughter had already finished her dinner and was still playing. I took bath came out and had hot dinner..reading a novel..AFter I finished my dinner..my darling princess wanted to watch krishna CD with me.So I was lying down in the sofa along with her...she watching Krishna and me reading novel..wow..for a change without disturbance. Around 11 she slept and I was still reading..I finished the book around 12:30..it was still raining and I went to sleep.

It was like college and pre marriage days..where I open a novel..and i will be in a different world till I close it. But after marriage..you cant afford that..so many times you will have to close the book to cook or to answer your hubby and after kids..well..they become our priority.

So I really felt good that I was able to complete..it..and then went to sleep..I woke up at around 7:30..but still wanted to sleep..so I just hugged my daughter and went to sleep again..Cant believe my luck that..she was still sleeping..Finally I woke up around 9:50 am..thats again a lottery :-) and i was so relaxed..and she woke up around 10:15
Then I made my fav dosa..a new variety of dosa..had it..and had tea..and again lucky..my daughter insisted that she will eat on her own..and she did too.

It was 11 then..and had to go to shop to buy water purifier..So we left to the shop..and got some tempted seeing Harry potter poster..and never imagined we would get tickets..we just walked to the theater..to see if we will get tickets and again.it was 11:45 and tickets were availabel for 11.50...so we got it..and went and watched the movie..

Back home around 3:30.had food..and went to sleep..and woke up at 7:00 pm :-) Again dinner session and around 9:30 there was a tamil movie kullanari kootam..never expected seeing the name that it would be a okay movie..but it was a nice clean movie..

So over all a great day..went to sleep at 12:30 and just woke up..and am blogging..;-)

Hope the day continues this way..but lots of work to do(Office pending stuff)...Let me clear it..off.now.

Have a nice day everyone.

Where did Every one go?

2011-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Monday started with no blues and with full of life. No morning tensions at home. Reached office on time ;-) and started work. EVerything seemed so perfect. But then..now a days..getting into off mood is the easiest thing that occurs so naturally to me. So evening dont know what triggered my mood off..but the minute I was in a bad mood, I attracted things which could spoil my mood even worse.

So suddenly in the evening..i felt desperately lonely...needed a shoulder to cry on..and ofcourse didnt want to hear any advises. And then I thought I will call home..My home number..guess my daughter did not keep the receiver properly so not reachable. Then I called my college friends. .you dont have to keep in touch with them but still can catch up with good old times whenever you call them. For a change..everyones number I had..and every ones mobile was ringing..no one picked up...Whats wrong..

Then I called up my uncle..thinking may be i could talk to him to change my mood..but same story...phone ringing no one picking up..

Finally I called up my cousin....who was very busy and asked me to call tomorrow..And after I disconnected I felt very lonely..but by then I reached home.

And when I entered there my princess..she was standing and telling some story to her aunty :-). She was holding a small dog (ofcourse toy..she is like me..in getting scared of dogs and cats) and telling her aunty..Aunty you mix milk for the doggy..what the dog name i kept.i forgot..ya ya timmy..you mix milk put three full spoons of pediasure okay..mix properly okay otherwise timmy will not drink...and then seeing the expression of her aunty...she turned back to see me..and came running and gave a hug ammmmma...you are home..see ammma..timmy not drinking milk..what do now? Seeing her face full of innocence...and the way a three year old speaks..it just filled the heart with happiness..

So what did I say..mood off..who got mood off...

By the way..where did everyone go..Was it some earth hour or something yesterday that everyone decided not to pick up their call????!!!!

I AM TIRED..

2011-06-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Someone Asked..Hey Are You Ok?
And I replied..Yes I am OK. Just TIRED..little bit...

So What I meant is..I am
Torn apart,Insecured,Really Faking my smile,Extremely Sad and Drowning in my own tears..

And if you ask me Why...I would reply..I really dont know.

Actually physical activities make you tired but then the recovery from that tiredness could just be a good rest..a good sleep..you wake up and you are perfectly fine and even active..

But its the state of our mind which keeps us active or tired. When you do something you really love to do..or enjoy doing it with people whom you love to be with...then any kind of activity may never make you tired.

But at the sametime if you are stressed out..I dont know..how all kinds of problems gets a hint that one person is stressed out , so lets go visit him and reaches us as quick as possible and wait in queue to say a hello to us. And it adds more stress to decide which one of the problems to address first.

Sometimes we always keep expecting more from some people in our lives probably because we also would do them more. Sometimes certain situations comes up which puts you in a totally helpless state and all you can give the other person is some excuse. Sometimes in life we dont know what is the right thing to do and end up doing something which might lead to a big change.

Whenver we do any plan using our brain..especially in my case with the limited access I have with my brain..we tend to forget to have a mitigation plan because of the interupption or risk to our plan caused by our heart.

Wow.How can someone blabber so much early in the morning...

Well Like I said..I AM TIRED..really...

At some point of time when you are very very tired..probably it might lead to a state of mind where you dont care about anything..anyone..and start losing your cool and start yelling at people for no reason..which I just did... Thankfully got back to my senses in few minutes...and had the courage to call that person back and tell sorry too.

So well..now am in a great mood..and you can talk to me at your own risk :-).

My Dear Ammamma.

2011-05-10T06:32:00.000-07:00

Life sometime becomes too hectic that we forget what we are looking for, what is the priority and infact at times to some extent that the mere purpose of living is forgotten. April 29th 2010. That is the last time I spoke to my ammamma..and I lost Ammamma the same day last year.Actually that incident is something which reminds me of what difference one day coul'd make.
I spoke to her and supposed to meet her the next day and unfortunately couldnt meet her.

Ammamma...Every time I think about her, I still feel her presence.The last time I had seen her was in November in 2009. Though her birthday was on 18th of November, still we celebrated it when I was in chennai. She was still carrying her camera and taking photos of us. She did cake cutting and fed all of us. After that we all had dinner together. I sat with her. Anannya also was there with me. It just kind of still feel as if it had happened yesterday.

Throughout my days in Desur, she was with me. We were more friends than a grand daughter - mom relationship. I was able to share with her everything..every fear , every hope and every dream. Really now if I sit back and think I had never realized how much she had been a close friend rather than my granny. She was an amazing cook. With literally very little kind of things available she could cook great and yummy dishes. Not only patience but also she was equally bold. Very Bold.
She was taking tuition classess in Desur. If there had not been an accident, we would have probably stayed together for even more time. One small accident, I became adamant of sending her back to Chennai. Literally she sacrificed her tutitions which was actually her passion..just to be with me to guide me and to support me in joining SBI. The life there was actually simple. How many nights we would have had our dinner in terrace. How many nights we would have spent sitting in terrace and talking to each other endlessly. How many stories she would have told me sitting in the terrace. About her life, about her past and also about epics..so much of minute details she could fill in from Mahabarath, Ramayana and Bhagavatham. Really it was a golden period of my life which I never realized.

Yes...sometimes we understand the value of certain moments after its ended and after realizing that it will never happen again. And that is how it feels about Ammamma. She is really really great. She was always confident and very bold. Self respect matters a lot. I am missing you a lot Ammamma.

Wish I could spend some more time with you.Wish atleast once I could have brought you to singapore.

Right now ammamma wish you were near me..so I could talk to you..from my heart.

Ammamma..Right now..

She goes through each day, With a smile on her face
She holds herself well, With much poise and grace
She laughs and she smiles, She seems so happy and free
But deep deep inside, There’s something no one can see
When you look at her you think, She has must have everything
But you’ll never know, The song she must sing
Its one filled with grief, Lonely and sad
You cant see the loss, The horrid experiences she had
So while you see laughter, When you look into her eyes
Its just her way to hide, All the tears she has cried
She goes through the same, Time after time
She watches everyone’s happy ending, Wondering where’s mine

I am in tears now ammamma..thinking of you..missing you and needing you.

The Cup Of Pride

2011-04-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

It was one of those WOW Moments. Eyes were glued to the television and the heart skipped a beat when Dhoni played the perfect captains knock and hit the ball to SIX and wow...India won the World cup after the long wait of 28 years..:-). The Golden Moment :-):-):-) Cant put enough smileys....

It was not only a perfect gift for we the Indians but indeed the most deserving gift to Sachin who has been waiting for this since 1992.

This time right from quarters it was all a tough match. The quarter finals with Australia...Semis with Pakistan which almost was like world cup final and then came the final with Srilanka. When India lost the toss...ooooppsssss...it felt awful and almost took half the confidence away. But when Srilanka made a score of 275 it still gave some hope..Hope that now still we have a chance to win.

Actually this time we had some friends at home..and we had called our friends to see the India - Pakistan Match => The semis. As everyone is aware this match meant more than the finals at that moment. And wow...it was an amazing performance from our bowlers and we won. So we wanted to make sure that the luck works..and so the same gang of people sat together for the finals. One side our kids were shouting hurray..out and all kinds..and other side we were all fighting. In the semis..one of our friends..used to get some production support call and whenever he went out getting a call Pakistan was losing a wicket..and so we tried the same for finals..but it didnt work..and the luck was bad for me..whenever I was sitting in front of TV India was losing the wicket..so i almost was sitting alone in my bedroom and was checking scores in i phone..whenever out of curiosity i came out..we lost Tendulkar,Virat kohli and then..finally when Dhoni and Gambhir was playing..i thought its okay to come and see..but the minute i came out..Gambhir was gone..i still feel guilty as if he missed his century becoz of me ;-).
Finally I came out only for Dhonis six :-).

Though there is lots to write about Tendulkar, Yuvraj, Zaheer khan, Harbajan and everyone who are part of the team my heart indeed keeps replaying Dhonis six. He has been a wonderful captain and especially in the match that was full of pressure..and with lots of expectations all over, a stadium full of crowd waiting for the golden moment...he handled it in a great manner.

A good leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way..and that was Dhoni..:-)

Really hats off to Dhoni and his team for giving India the long awaited Cup of Pride.

Jai Hind.

I love you.

2011-02-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

Its the small things that actually fill the heart with bliss. We keep worrying about all big things that we forget to enjoy all those small moments.

Today I was playing with my daughter and then I was trying to put her to sleep. But my mind was totally pre occupied with work. I was just thinking so deeply on how to do and what to do and when to do on work related items. Though I was there physically with my daughter my mind was not there. Then she asked me to sing for her.Well no one except my daughter has the courage to ask me to sing and listen to my songs also :-).

Then I started humming songs for her still all the way thinking about work, work and work. And after sometime I was like losing patience also. When she would sleep and when I can login? Then while I was still singing..she suddenly said..
Amma..I love you.

Wow. That was worth more than anything in life. Suddenly life felt blessed. It felt like those words suddenly brought me back to the present. Oops. I already spend very little time with her and even during that time If my mind is occupied with something else..its an injustice :-(.

How nice it is if we learn to and able to live each and every moment and enjoy that very moment. Easily said than done. So well my darling princess indeed made my day with a sudden surprise of those words and it really felt so nice.
Now I put her to sleep...till that time I spent quality time with her. And then logged back..to work..but at the same time wanted to log it in my blog as well.

All that matters is simple moments, love, care, understanding...and then..life is bliss. Well its just a matter for 2 weeks for valentines day as well.
So tell your loved ones..that you love them and mean it...it makes wonders to those who love you.

Love All;Serve All;

And its okay to say I LOVE YOU as many times as you want as long as you mean it. No one gets bored to hear it ..alteast women dont get bored to hear that they are being loved :-).

Anannyas Sports Day

2011-01-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

After long time A sports day. For a change not as a student or a participant but as a parent. It was really indeed one of the most wonderful days of our life.
And it was so nostalgic and I was actually thinking of my dad.

The day started at around 6:30 am. I woke up and was admiring my daughter for sometime and then saw the time it was 6:45 . Oops..8 am her bus will come. And then came the shock...Her shoes :-). Any important day in my life will always start with some shock and there it was. Her shoes were literally wet...dripping with water since our maid washed it. And then no choice..her dad had to literally drive to Mustafa as fast as possible to buy new shoes. well her first sports day cant take any chances :-). And that reminded me of my dad..how many events..and how many times he would have gone to shops or to friends house for getting all those which we forget in the last minute.

Then Anannya was also as excited as me for her sports day and without troubling much she was ready by 8. Her bus and her dad came at the same time and fastet fingers first..I put her shoes in that speed when she was in the school bus. And then started my princess.

And then we went to GIIS stadium. It was kinder garden sports day. Kids in yellow,blue and red sports uniform. The stadium looked so colorful as if we were standing in a butterfly garden. It was really such a wonderful sight. And it was cloudy..everyone there worried if it would rain but thanks to Rain God. It was cloudy and a good weather with no rain. A perfect sports day and a perfect start.

Small kids did march past which was a feast to the eyes. Those little kids with little steps. And then started the colour ful sports event with KG childern doing gymnastics..Wow!!!!

Then there was race...It was lovely watching Anannya running taking a stuffed toy and putting the toy back in a basket. And the wonderful thing is prizes were awarded to each participants. No Differentiation. Each one won a medal with a smile in their faces.

And then there was race for paretns. 400m running for fathers. I just couldnt stop laughing seeing the dads run. Most of them were like jogging. And then there was a race for mothers which was lucky round race. Anyways only Anannya got a medal :-).

It was a gala event and watching sports day as a parent is indeed a different kind of feeling. And there were proud moments to see our small darling daughter doing march past, participating in race and getting a medal. Just Amazing and brought in lots of nostalgia too :-).

Muje Rula diya woh...

2011-01-26T03:35:00.000-08:00

The last three days.

2011-01-16T01:06:00.000-08:00

After a really tiring day reached home on Thursday night hoping that a hug from my little princess will make everything okay. But she was down with fever and rash. I literally rushed to the opposite clinic and they asked me to take her to KK children hospital.The irony is that..its in Emergency section that it takes so much time to see the doctor. I was not able to carry her because in any way I carry she was feeling discomfort. I really missed the presence of my hubby.

Generally if my daughter is unwell he will be the cool head one trying to play with her and make her cheerful when all I do is to hug her and feel worried to death. I was trying really hard to keep my cool and trying to cheer her up. Finally after seeing the doc at around 11:15 I reached home at 11:45 with her. There were my friends who called me and gave me all the support.

As if the problem was not enough I started feeling really giddy in the cab. Probably because of the tiredness and since I kind of was fasting the whole day. I really dont know how I managed to reach home. Thank God.

These three days kind of have given me the realization of how much it is important for us to be healthy so that we can take care of our family. Its all a wrong timing that at the same time I had also got fever and I didnt know whether it might go to her.

The first week 2011

2011-01-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

New Year indeed started with Wow!!! The count down and fire works at Marina bay was a feast for eyes. Our cousin also joined us and Anannya also enjoyed it. But after the day dawned wow..it already feels as if a year had passed by. So many things in just one week that I didnt find time to do any of the activities I had planned as part of New Year Resolutions.

One good thing is about our daughter having joined the Indian school (To write about it I definitely need a seperate post otherwise I wouldnt be doing justice to it) and the value add it had given is now no choice have to wake up early. So the last few days the moring reminds me of my school days...were my mom used to wake up early put rangoli take bath do pooja and when she wakes me up she would be fresh and the house will be filled with the aroma of incense sticks and some devotional song. Now our mornings are like the same and am blessed that my daughter is so eager to go to the new school that she didnt trouble much about brushing her teeth taking bath and eating breakfast. And I too feel really blessed now I have a chance again to do all these things myself. The joy of doing all this to our kid as a mom is indeed a bliss.

Apart from that the rest of my days so far was too much occupied with things happening at work. Mostly work related stress, I avoid carrying it home not to mess with the very few hours of am getting with my daughter and with my hubby. But somehow things at work is the only thing my mind is always pre-occupied with. Thinking about it again and again..replaying it again and again and again.

There is a saying..You dont have to always wait to learn from your mistakes, sometimes you can learn it from others mistakes as well. And I fall into the category where I dont learn from my mistakes itself. Well as long as you keep thinking with heart this problem will never get resolved and the lesson is never going to be learnt.

In the end there is one life and what comes as the priority is purely an individuals choice...Wow its so easy to write this. But with practical problems and in reality how difficult it is to follow it and to decide on our priority. At times the items that are least priority becomes a number 1 priority to us and we cant do much about it.

So ....New Year..New Beginning But Same Old Stories...!!!

What cannot be cured must be endured???!!!!

Happy New Year - Year 2011

2011-01-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

Wishing You All A Very Happy and Fab New Year.

I wish and hope year 2011 will bring in lots of happiness, lots of love and brings some dreams into reality and add more meaning to life. I wish year 2011 brings peace and love to everyone and spreads happiness to everyone.

Year 2010. Well A recap is definitely needed otherwise how would we ever learn the lessons taught by the greatest teacher...Life.

2010 had been a year with good and bad, glad and sad moments. It was filled with love, friendship,happiness, excitements, disappointments, kodak moments and a grief a loss that could never be replaced with anything. At the end of all these, I would say that, I have become slightly more a little bit matured and slightly more (may be a micron???!!) responsible. Ofcourse it has also made me hyper tensed and my temper reaches the Evert Peak within seconds. In the end, I had learnt few things which I would like to tell myself again through this blog so I dont end up forgetting it.

Well High chance to forget because I never have the patience to read what I have written. And before I go to that, this year the first two days have already gone and I havent broken any of my resolutions yet :-)
(Ssshhhh!!!! I havent yet taken my resolution) Does that mean I have become more lazier by the end of 2010.

Okay coming back to the Lessons Learnt

I have learnt that its the simple things in life that fills our heart with immense happiness...A small hug, a good night kiss, To hear I love you from your loved ones,
To watch your kid sleeping comfortably, Giving gift to someone and watch them opening it with surprise,buying tissue paper from the old aunty near office and near MRT and watching their kodak smile, a thirty second prayer to God in solitude, Love of parents, a long distance call from a best friend,a lively chat,moments with friends, playing in rain and in water etc etc.

I have learnt that no matter how much you try if someone decided to blame you they would blame you anyways good or bad whatever it is.

I have learnt that even if you win an argument you actually dont win anything.

I have learnt that there is no forever in Love. Time and Circumstance has the power to change anything..Just Anything.

I have learnt that unconditional love do exists no matter what.

I have learnt that every second you spend with your kids are indeed the golden moments of life

I have learnt that some people would hate you anyways no matter what you do. So Ignore them anyways.

I have learnt that words are indeed powerful. They have the ability to pierce a heart and break into million pieces. And they do have the power to set it right once again though the crack still remains forever.

I have learnt that silence is golden. Trust Me.

I have learnt that for some are either destined with or blessed by only solitude. Do you know you can be lonely even in a crowd.

I have learnt that, its difficult only for the first few minutes to try and laugh when inside you feel like screaming and crying for help. And its better to share our happiness with others and not to share our pain with anyone. Everyone has only one life why spoil some moment of others life by our sadness.

I have learnt that Love is the healer of all pain followed by Time.

I have learnt that some lossess can never be avoided and the grief stays and oops it never goes away with time. Especially losing a loved one.

Actually the list goes on but am sleepy.

I am yet to take my new year resolutions. May be to take new year resolution should have been my resolution.

Year 2010 I had lost my ammamma. But she still stays alive in my thoughts and I still do talk to her in my most lonely moments. Are you listening ammamma.

After 14 years this year there was no new year celebration in Chennai. Feel sad about it actually.

Well coming to the glad moments, Anannya started her schooling in 2010 and completed her pre nursery graducation ceremony in December!!!! That was just a wow moment.

Well now. Bye Bye 2010.
Welcome 2011 and when you come(you already have come) but still bring in lots of good moments every second for the whole year!!!

I am a Mom

2010-12-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

And The Day Starts and Ends with...

Wake up Darling..
Wake up now..
Brush your teeth.
Dont eat without brushing.
No choclates...
Come back sit in sofa and watch the TV..
Eyes..will spoil..come back..
Dont cry for everything
If you cry you are not getting it
Bite and eat
Please bite and eat
BITE NOW..
Come take bath
Dont drink that water
Dont run without dressing up
Go to restroom before we start
Please go
Now
Can you hold
Dont touch it
Be careful
Drink milk
Come give me a kiss
I need a hug NOW
Story time
Dont run so fast
No.Dont say that.
Ask Daddy
Stop whining
Stop crying
Dont throw the mobile down
Sleeping Time
Good Night Dear
No jumping on the bed
Dont shout
Okay sweetu sleep now :-)
.....And it still goes on and on and on..

Pushpa

2010-12-11T05:41:00.000-08:00

It was one of those nights when sleep seem to become a stranger and thoughts drift to the past. Sometimes we are blessed with the relationship of few people who make our lives better and when they leave us we are no longer the same and we miss them.

Pushpa. I dont know whether I have to call her as my friend or a sister or what name to give that relationship. I know she is one person who would do anything..just anything for my sake.

It was in my 11th standard that I met Pushpa in GSPT school. I was in a depressed mode that time because of Vanitha and also because of changing the school etc...etc..and a new life came in the name of shuttle badminton :-). That is when I saw Pushpa. After myself getting selected in the school team , I had a oppurtunity to choose a team of Juniors and I met Pushpa.

I found her playing wow..infact better than me..Amazing she was in playing shuttle. Not only that, I have never seen someone who take everything so easy...Forever laughing and forever making fun...of herself and others..Every moment I spent with her was fun and fun.

I dont know why..and I dont know when and I really dont know what the reason is that she became so close to me. She probably is the only one to whom I have never expressed how much she mean to me and what I consider of her. She is also the one whom I have taken for granted...taken for granted considering her as part of my family..as my sister.

The innocence in her...especially I have to narrate one incident here..It was my sisters school annual day. She was performing in school in a dance programme. And I asked Pushpa if she too want to come and see. The only differnece is that, the next day Pushpa had her public exam and I really was not expecting her to come. But there she was prompty on time..and I couldnt believe that she had come..and she came just because I asked her to come. Throughout the programme she was enjoying but I was in hyper tension knowing very well that she has absolutely not prepared for the exam.

Like wise there were so many stories to share..She keep calling herself..en rosapoo neratthukku enna avaradu...our filter coffee sharing sessions...the exam moments..the terrace moments..my wedding,my sis wedding...well almost every moment every precious moment in chennai for me..she has been part of it. Sad that she never recognized what she means to me.

Pushpa..If I think of her even now it brings a smile..for all the good moments we shared. Now I am not in touch with her. But sincerely praying God that she should be happy healthy and forever keep that smile which is her trade mark.

Meetings and Parting are happenings of the world. And I hope we would meet soon to share some good old moments.

I am still here.

2010-12-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

Its been a really long time since I wrote and today when I wanted to write surprisingly I saw a comment asking me why no posts. There were lot of things that happenned in the last few weeks about which I wanted to share a lot many. First of all our trip to India,trip to Basara, My parents sashtiapoorthy, Back to Singapore,Challenges in the work place,my daughters graduation..ha ha she is only 3..but still..and
A friends sudden illness and the shock etc etc.

But well now this note probably is just a start to let everyone know..Please dont think that I have stopped blogging :-)

Well now what I am writing is not about any of the above what I had mentioned. Thoughts were pouring on these subjects but I didnt have time well thats an excuse..I didnt have energy may be or even the patience to sit and pen them down. But now I found time but didnt want to write about any of these.

So this post is just a mini micro post to say Hi..I am here..and sure would write soon.

Just Too Shocked.to

2010-11-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time for my standards since I wrote. I was about to write about chennai times, about ammamma, about my parents shashtiyapoorthy etc etc but I was lazy still in the vacation blues. After reaching home, even if I wanted to write, I felt too tired by 10 or 10:30. Today too am tired..Too tired physically too as I am feeling bit feverish because of cough and cold. But I am still here writing as I am too disturbed on the news I heard from my friend.

My friends brother in law expired 2 weeks back and am just too shocked. Not that I know him personally or I am close to him for I dont even know who it is. But shocking is because on the realization of the fact that life is too uncertain.
He was at his early forties having a normal healthy family life with two kids. He was having some stomach pain but never took it so seriously and finally when it became worse aand he saw the doctor they diagnosed it as one kind of liver cancer in its advanced stage with pracitcally no treatment available. So within two days they sent him back home on his request. After the diagnosis he lived only for two weeks.
Two weeks..just fourteen days..I have seen such things in movie..but in reality..what would he do in just fourteen days..Will he have the time to express all his love to all his loved ones..Will he have time to spend and say all that he wanted to tell his kids..Will he have time to set a secured life to his kids..and his life partner.Will he have time to finish all the pending things that he wanted to complete..Will he have time to even cherish few of his dreams..or I want to do stuff...What would he even do...with all the pain and fear of death....Its so scary to even think about it.

How many things we store and keep like the best dress, the best jewellery, the dinner set...how many such reservations we have which are saved for the best ocassion...News like this...makes me feel that every day we live in itself is a special ocassion..Wow We are alive in itself calls for a celebration..May be it sounds too philosophical probably becoz am disturbed by this news..But still it feels right..how many days wasted with unwanted worries..grudges..expectations..etc..How many days wasted by useless arguments..
Why do people hate others..why do some talk in a way to hurt others.

Anyways am just too disturbed about it...and I feel more important in life is to start doing things that we love to do..and do it NOW..Lets not wait for a special ocassion for everything..instead..lets do it now...If you want to let someone know that they are special or you love them..say it now..If you want to give someone something...dont wait..give it now..If you want to cherish any of your dreams..dont reserve it for future..just do it now..

So let me stop here..with an advise to myself..may be..that DO IT NOW.

Wow Trump!!!!

2010-10-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Trump!!!!
After almost fifteen years, today got an oppurtunity to play trump. Ofcourse couldnt play hardly even one game but then it brought me the excitement of the game I used to love and crazy of.

I was introduced to Trump game when I was in my sixth standard summer holidays. I used to go to my cousins house for vacation. Me,my cousin Vidhya who is three years elder to me and our other cousin Balaji who is 5 years elder to me and the Nirmala whom we call Malu is 10 years elder to me. We four used to stay together in Malus house. That is when the first time my cousin Balaji and Malu taught me and Vidhya the game of Trump. Now me and Vidhya used to be the innocent kind and Balaji and Malu used to be partners and always used to win. No matter how good our cards were they used to win because either they will change the trump card or they will cheat us. By the time I mastered the game and started tracking which cards already were put etc etc..the vacation was over and in my own house playing cards is banned. I really missed it then.

Later I had gone to Balajis house for the next year vacation and also for a wedding in their home town. Balaji's dad my uncle was really crazy of this game and they all used to play this in terrace. A big gang used to play but very seriously. And that time we started to be partners myself and Balaji..He was an expert and if by mistake I put a wrong card thats it he will scream on top of his voice getting really tensed.. By then we both mastered lots of tricks..i mean this cheating may not work with master players..But if we get innocent young kids or cousins then no one can beat us...Changing the trump card, or cutting others card with trump card even if we have the same symbol card etc are all common. But it was fun...infact the serious game used to be even more fun. If we start playing sometimes we have played almost the whole night..Wow Miss those moments. After vacation whether I miss my cousins or not I used to miss this game a lot. At home no way dad wont allow to play and my sis also was not interested in this game.

Later the last time I played this was in VG's marriage. I went to that marriage itself mainly to play trump. That much I was impressed but unfortunately we couldnt play much since we had lots of work in the marriage. Thats it..that was when I was in my tenth..Later there was no time to have a get together or staying in others house for vacation..Each one of us became busy with our lives so trump was out of my life..

A simple game which I dearly loved...To think of it..wow..keeping a card as trump trying to score the points...the rise of tension if the next four cards were crap..the excitment when you see maximum trump cards and big cards...the supporting partner having good cards good timing and understanding..all this counts..all this were fun fun and FUN..Especially the cheating part...only when we are not serious..is also fun...Winning doesnt matter..the fun does matter..Ofcourse if our opponents are not good enough..then no fun playing this game too

Trump probably is the only card game that I was really addicted too..

Miss Playing Trump...Wish this time when I go to India for my parents sashtipoorthy I get a chance to play Trump!!!

Wow Trump :-)

Life Is Beautiful

2010-10-06T08:14:00.001-07:00

Generally my mornings will be always busy busy and busssssssssssyyyyyy!!!
Getting my daughter ready for school, me getting ready and trying to give her breakfast...oops..its peak hyper tension time. And inspite of that I. try to keep some songs in the morning. If am in the responsible wife and mom mood , I will play suprabatham or vishnu sahasranamam or some devotional songs and if am in let me enjoy life mood then I would just play some of my or my hubbys favorite songs.

So its just impossible to hear sounds from outside as our house itself will be a source of sound pollution with either the songs or with my daughter screaming that she wouldnt eat or dress up or we both arguing with each other about who is the root cause of being late and because of which we would still be late. So with all this where is the time to see whats happening in the outside world at these peak hours.

But today was different. I couldnt sleep yesterday till almost 3:00 and so by 7:00 for a change Anannya was trying to wake me up. Amma wake up its late its late. And I woke up lazily. I have this habit of forgetting my self when I wake up from a deep sleep. On where I am and what time it is...It was like that today. And then we heard the cuckoo bird sound. It was continously saying khoo..khoooo..khoooo..so cute it was.

So my daughter told me Amma..Cuckoo bird is awake and is trying to wake you up. So I woke up anyway and we both went near the window. She climbed the table and was holding me and we both were repeating the cuckoo sound along with cuckoo bird trying desperately to find in which branch it is and if I could get a glimpse of it.
No luck. But it was a nice and beautiful moment.

Watching the very minimal greenery looking into the tree and finding the bird. It was like a beautiful morning. And there was a small breeze also and it just was wish this is forever kind of a time. Especially holding my princess hand , she hugging me close and trying to look out of window, we both desperately checking for the bird..and laughing was just a cute moment.

At times we get worried or think about unncessary things forgetting to give value to what we have.

What cannot be cured must anyways be endured. So why worry about it.

I remember reading in a hospital a sign board that says...

Congratulations. You are alive :-).

So Life indeed is beautiful. And its really good to enjoy or live every single minute. Take one day at a time :-)

Something to Smile :-) To Me By Me

2010-10-04T23:34:00.001-07:00

Sometimes Life is so busy trying to make even mole hills to mountain and envelop you with sadness. I was almost reaching that stage is when I read my friends blog.
It was full of life. Felt so nice to read it.

It speaks only about the good things in life and wish it remains always the same.

So I think whether its possible or not, always better to find some reason to smile.

Make it a resoultion that atleast you need to find some reason to smile today.

Life is not always a bed of roses..and for some may be its full of problems always..But if we start waiting for the problem to be solved so that we can be happy..then that never ever going to happen.

So if there is a problem..but still you want to smile..just tell yourself that..Okay..Take a break..I will worry about it after thirty minutes..and then..for that thirty minutes..may be try and be happy.

Rain drop, Sun rise, Fragrance of flowers, Smile of kids, just looking at my darling princess face, Thinking of nice moments with our dear ones.., Music, Fragrance of coffee, cooking, prayer, incense sticks,toys..the list goes on and on...Cant these keep us happy for even thirty minutes.

So
Its okay if things go wrong,
Its okay if you dont get what you want,
Its okay if you are blamed for everything,
Its okay if words are filled with thorns,
You can still smile...

Becoz..

Smile is infectious..And Smile The world looks beautiful Becoz of You.

Journal of Gayathri !!!

2010-09-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

Gayathri!!!
Thats what everyone call me. And everyone thinks am the best kid and wish their own kids behave like me. I have a sister who is 5 years younger to me. Ditti. The most naughtiest and cutest kid. And am so proud of her and at time jealous too.What is special today is that Today I have started writing my journal. And tomorrow is my birthday. Thats what everyone says. My mom, dad and my granny says that am born on March 31st. And my mom, dad and sis have gone to do shopping for my birthday. Am at home looking after my grand ma.

All my relatives love to spend time with me. Like I said most of them would tell me..Wish my daughter is like you. Well Behaved. As if I have a choice. I know my mom and dad loves me a lot and I also love them but there is a lot of difference between me and my sis.

My sis can go and hug my mom and my dad and doesnt feel any bit of awkwardness in asking what she wants doing and cries and whines a lot till she gets what she wants. If even she is having a little discomfort she would make sure my mom takes leave. At home even if my dad is watching any news or anything the moment she is in, the TV is hers. She doesnt feel bad and takes my parents for granted. She loves to get all the attention and she gets it too.

My sis is just opposite to me. Most of the time when either am busy with my studies or with some chores of cleaning, Inside there would be a longing to just throw them all and just go and have fun just like she has. At times I had felt why is it that I couldnt demand my parents to let me do whatever I like or ask them to take leave and come to my school for annual day or whatever. But I am not able to do.

My sis is a beautiful girl with fair complexion and she looks the best. People say that she looks exactly like my mom. I am just the opposite. Not so fair and probably average looks. Sometimes I have even heard comments that how is it that we both are just the opposite looking. And I would get a compliment that..But still Gayathri looks so homely. Strange!!! How come most of these people dont even think before they talk.

Well why am I writing today. I dont know. Bust just wanted to share something with my journal that one day I would have someone in life who would love me and take care of me like a princess. And there will be someone who would be only mine and whom I can love without any barrier in my heart.

My parents are back. I will be back in the night to finish this journal. Promise my J.

I am back. Ditti had got two pretty frocks and a jean for my birthday. Even my mom has got a mysore silk saree and a cotton saree. Poor Dad As usual he didnt buy anything for himself. Oh by the way I also got a dress. A yellow and brown combination. I really hated that combination. But I said wow I love this dress. Becoz am well behaved girl.

This is not the real me. I want to have the liberty of telling my parents that I dont like this dress. I want to behave like Ditti like cry and say this dress is yuck get me a new one NOW!!!! But am not able to. Because more than love what I feel is gratitude for them. I know they love me but my heart or mind Dont know which one is it keeps telling me that its not love but generosity.

I know that am blessed inspite of not being blessed. I know that there are thousands or rather millions of kids exploited in orphanage longing for some one to own them while I am blessed to be adopted by someone who loves me a lot and treats me like their own. Still at times some thoughts like this totally unwanted comes into my mind. A longing for a belonging May be. This is the first and Last Journal of my life which would speak about this. And I will end it up abruptly.
I just want to promise myself that may be some day I will make a difference in someones life. And may be some day I would feel more love than gratitue for my parents and get the feeling that they do love me and not just showing me gratitude.
May be I will get the strength to realize that. And may be some day I will have someone with whom I can share my love without any barrier in my heart. Someone who would be totally totally mine and who would consider me too a person of value not because of sympathy not because of generosity. The feeling of being a stranger at your own home is very difficult. It burdens the heart and I feel why am I not given the blessing. I feel angry with God also at times. I am stopping it here Journal for some of the feelings are not to be poured or shared with even a journal.

Gayathri!!!! Gayathri...Wake Up wake up

I woke up so confused to see my mom standing there. She had already taken bath and she looked so fresh and she had just returned from temple. Happy birthday dear. Come take the prasadam. We did archana in your name.

A new dawn. A new beginning. When I looked at her and her eyes all I felt is a mothers love and not gratitude. May be I could never be free with her like Ditti but I realized that I love her with all my heart and I felt so happy.

I just took the journal I wrote and threw it in dustbin. It doesnt matter. Am still part of a family that loves me and I love them all too.

Thats me. Gayathri!!!!

The key chain continued

2010-09-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

The Key chain continued...

Today After a long time after more than a year am writing a blog feeling really lonely as if no one would understand me. I dont know why I feel this way. Am not sure is it because of Vanithas thoughts still aching me or is it because I hurt my best friend today because of my never think before you talk attitude or is it because I feel that apart from Vanitha everyone else actually get easily tired of me or my friendship or my love.
Anyway am tired thinking about it and so I am dragging myself to continue the key chain story.

So after Vanitha after I left Lady Sivaswami school I joined Guntur Subbiah Girls school. I was the most unwelcome student there because of my good grades in public exam. I was totally a stranger to that school atmosphere and that is when I saw U..U.Hemalatha and all her friends call her U. She is another Cindrella..just like Vanitha. Her dad expired and mom married someone and so she was staying with her grand ma and with her uncle so she did have a cindrella atmosphere. But what was touching is that she was full of life and enthusiasm. Where Vanitha was intelligent Hema was innocent and absolutely dont care attitude with studies. We became friends within a month and the next month we were best friends.
We started playing badminton and both of us used to go for zonals etc. We were able to laugh at anything and everything and I has spent my best times of my school life with her. Many times I had compromised my studies just for her sake and I became very close to her grand ma. Things were going on fine when I gave her also key chain gift. Why did I even do it. August 20th is her birthday just a day before Anannya was born and I happily gifted her a twin key chain two girls holding each other kind. Thats it..after that she flunked and she took a very different career path and education and we were still keeping in touch which also reduced and now I am absolutely not in touch with her. As I write this I feel I should call her. I had been writing to her before without any reply from her. But now may be I should definitely try to get her number and call her. So that is key chain incident 2.

Actually my main problem is that I get impressed with nice wordings. I was like crazy to the core of good greeting cards and key chains. And in chennai, if you walk across pondy bazar or go to connections or land mark you get wonderful cards and key chains. Well the next thing that happened is with my cousin. Me and my cousin when we were young we would literally fight with each other as if we were Harry and Malfoy. It was fun. But then for his BSRB exam I had given me a all the best card and a key chain. Stupid me. I was praying for him and went to call him from a village which has absolutely no telephone connection. I waited waited and waited to call him and he was busy and didnt have time to answer me. That weekend I went to see him and then I realized that he is too busy with all his new friends that he didnt have any time for me. It didnt even prorbably mattered to him that i travelled all the way to help him with his exams. Who said distance make the heart grow fonder? So thats it. Now also we are in touch with each other but the magic of the friendship we shared is no longer there.

After that it was Jayanthi. Jayanthi is my best friend from my college. She is such a wonderful human being I have ever come across. I had made the same blunder with her and we both were the bestest friends but from the time I started going to Bank that friendship kind of became from best friends to just friends. But still in my heart I know, right now she is the best friend I have and I still consider her the same.

Kavi..Kavi is my friend in Covansys. A typical scorpion guy he is. Very understanding very caring and a very good friend who can never see me upset. To him I had given a key chain as gift and lo..now its a long distance friendship. The only 2 days in a year we call each other is on my birthday and on his birthday. After that actually before that I had a gang of friends Priya, Vino , Bharathi and Prabhu in Vandavasi where I stayed. Prabhu and me were good friends and I literally adored Prabhu. He was a perfectionist and very caring about his parents and also with his friends. He writes wonderful poems and articles.
He gave me a key chain as a gift and that friendship actually broke. Probably that is the only friendship which I had stopped because I got hurt with some words. Even now at times I wonder why did I do it. Because am generally not a person who would end a relationship and i wont get angry easily and even if i get angry or upset it takes only few minutes to get over it. If the other side come and tell me sorry..infact not even a sorry if they just talk to me also I would melt and become best friends. Somehow this one friendship is a one where I got hurt and I never spoke to him again till now. Sometimes I can be so stubborn. Surprise!!!!

So thats it and now I just pray that I dont lose any more relationships because of this key chain sentiment. And I pray God that

God, Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
God, Give me the courage not to be dependent on anyone
God, Give me the strength so I dont suffocate my loved ones
God, Give me some Maturity so I understand my responsibilities
God, Give me the tolerance so I dont hurt anyone
God, Give me the wisdom so I dont complain about anyone or anything

God, Take some rest for I am going to be back with a big list of demands :)

So now..Do you want a key chain from me??? :)

The Key Chain

2010-09-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

The key chain sentiment

There is a saying (Really??!!!) that you should not be giving key chains and kerchiefs as gifts to your loved ones. I really dont know why. Have never done any research on that. But somehow it worked in my case. I have lost my very good friends very soon after a key chain incident. Today I was really thinking a lot about it.
May be this would give me a chance to think about all those events and to conclude may be its a sheer co-incidence or may be is it really some sentiment that works for me and sadly only for me.

It started with Vanitha. Vanitha became my best friend when I didnt even know the meaning of Friendship. I had joined 6th standard in a government school and somehow I was not happy. It was a big change for me to get moved from a CBSE school to government school. From a class of 26 to a class of 86. I was upset. And in our school there were 5 sections A and B used to be of English medium and the rest three are of tamil medium. Somehow there was a impression that tamil medium students are very different and not serious about studies. It is with this opinion I had met Vanitha.

I had joined Dance class in school. And when it came to a jadhi after that we were supposed to perform arangetram ie stage performance. Now that means investing 2000 rupees for costume, fees and stage etc. We were six students and when I was excited and went home I learnt from my grand ma that its going to be difficult for my dad to arrange money. I think thats a elder daughter syndrome I decided not to do arangetram. But still was going to the class.After the first few minutes of practise when we had to do the steps for arangetram my teacher used to ask me to step out as am not going to perform in stage. It felt really sad to stand apart and watch every one else dancing that every day ended up in tears. And then I met Vanitha. She was also standing next to me watching the steps and started talking to me.

Vanitha!!! As I write this tears are filling up my eyes and I dont know what should I write about her. She is such a gem of a person. From my 6th standard till my 9th standard she has been my good friend and the irony is that I realized she is my best friend only when I lost her. Well we started talking and her language was just wow for me. Though we dont sit in same class we used to meet in breaks and at time go home together. She would walk with me till the bus stop and then would leave.

Vanitha had a very difficult life. She had lost her mom and because of which her dad married another person. Her step mom treated her well but once she had a daughter of her own and honestly because of economic reasons she had put Vanitha in government school. Its like Vanitha moved from St.Johns to our school We studied in the best school. Though its a government school it had the best teachers and best infra strucutre. I belong to Lady Sivaswami and am so happy and blessed about it.
The one commonality we shared is that, we both moved from CBSE to state syllabus for some reasons which at that age we couldnt understand. Vanitha was very understanding very caring and very very very friendly to me. She would listen to me whatever crap I used to say. She used to motivate me in everything. It was nice having her around me.

In seventh standard is when I was sick frequently. Twice I had to get admitted in hospital for 2 months I had taken break and I didnt even get a chance to see Vanitha. When I came back to school she was there again. Because I couldnt join in dance or drama because of surgery she too didnt join. She would just sit with me. I remember once she was not feeling well and scored only 35 in science. I became so upset that I removed some sheets from my answer page and went and told my science teacher..Oops I forgot her name..lalithambal miss or someone and changed my 85 to 35.
The beatings I got from dad that day ooops...I can never forget. More than that..Vanitha felt very sad about me getting 35 that she didnt talk to me for few days. The one thing I learnt from her is her patience and endurance. It was obvious that she missed her mom and her step mom didnt much treat her well. But she would never complain would always carry a smile with her.

Then in ninth standard our friendship kind of grew strong but at the same time there were lots of difference. I was becoming crazy of IIT and science ofcourse partly because of her because she too had IIT craze. And my grand father expired which I couldnt take it and I cant believe even now the way me and Vanitha had discussed about Life after death on how to make the heart beat after it stopped beating. Is it possible to bring some pressure so many stupid discussions. we both stealthily go to the restricted sections also to see if there are any books on life after death. That is when we both have tried calling the medium etc...and all. Then started I should call it FATE that Nehru stadium was going to be inagurated and we had to participate in the inagural function. There were lots of practises on the exercise and performances which I joined and she didnt. I spent almost 4 to 5 months on that. We will come to school take a bus and go to stadium to pracitse. It was fun fun and only fun. I didnt even had time to miss her. Finally just 3 days before the inagural I had gone to school for taking up a mock test and got some time to see her. She was on leave and I heard that she was not well from her class mates. How sutpid I was that I never realized to even get her address.

But I was busy. And then when I saw her after all this chaos she was looking so pale and totally not well. March 13th..Her birthday..is when I gave her a key chain. It had initials of V and A. It was in a yellow bottle kind stuff. I had gifted her that with a card.

After that exams started. Annual exams started and I couldnt see her. I managed to find her friends just to know that she is not writing. i got really worried. But didnt know that time whom to contact or what happened to her. And last day after I had come out of social studies exam her friend came and told me that Vanithas mom is waiting for me. I had gone to see her and asked what happened. She just told me that Vanitha was not feeling well and she had already taken her TC and that she is no more. And she had mentioned my name to her step mom and asking her to tell me all the best and I am her best friend. She told this and left talking casually about other things.

I am not able to write also as I still feel the shiver. I dont have any memories or any pictures of her. I just remember walking towards the mylapore market road with tears in eyes. I remember directly going to t.nagar to my ammammas house. I was not used much to share any pain with my parents becoz I worried that they will get upset or hurt so instead I went to ammamma. I just stayed there with her. The summer holidays was a mess and I just couldnt come out of the whole mess. I really dont think I could actually write how important she was and how much she meant to me. And I still feel the guilt of not being with her when she has needed me the most without even realizing it.

That time I didnt realize anything. Later I couldnt even continue in that school that I changed my school never going even to the side of Mylapore. Its not that me and Vanitha were always together but still we shared some bond some kind of understanding and commonality. I dont feel like writing anymore about it.

By the way now am relating the key chain to this is actually I myself feel it has got nothing to do with my key chain. But after that with my other friends we have not become enemies but we had parted. Like either by changing jobs or changing countries and so proxmity was not there which indeed makes a person used to the other persons absence and so it makes you feel less need of that person and in the end the friendship that is called THE BEST FRIEND becomes to a HI BYE friend or probably one more friend.

I will continue this key chain sentiment in my next blog as I really need some time to come out of Vanithas memories.

Content Life!!!!

2010-09-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

CONTENT LIFE???!!!!

Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.

Yesterday I had been to a friends house for Vinayaka chathurthi pooja. By the time they reached there they were doing bajans. It just reminded me of my parents and how we used to have very frequent bajans at home. It was a lively experience. They were all singing and it didnt matter whether they sing in proper swaram or even whether I understood the lyrics.
But the whole atmosphere was peaceful. And they asked me to sing as well. Generally if someone ask me to sing I would not. Especially in that group everyone were singing so well and are so learned and had good knowledge of music. But somehow I didnt feel a bit of embarrassment. I was so much involved in the pooja and atmosphere, I just felt..God created me and am singing for God and it was so easy. In the end the atmoshphere was good and I felt so peaceful. And when I prayed God there was no give me that or give me this. Its just ask nothing kind of prayer.

When I came back home and I was putting my daughter to sleep. Looking at her face itself was so serene. I was thinking on how many unwanted tensions I was having right now. I cant control the way others think about me and how a person chose to live his life or takes his decision or even talk to me is something which in no way I can control. I cant force someone to live in a way I want to so that I could be happy.Love definitely could not be a reason for creating hiccups in anyones life. Sameway I have no control in the way things currently going on in my work life also. But before it never bothered me but now I am worried of all these small small things. What is wrong with me. Before it never even bothered me if some one spoke rude to me or hurt me. I would ignore it and forget it.I used to even think so much about others. May be they felt that way because of my this behaviour or whatever and just forget forgive and move on atleast so that I dont have to be sad. But now it hurts a lot even small things. And at times certain words spoken hurt just too much.

The first time I ever prayed God and literally demanded for something is when I desperately wanted to have a baby. After my miscarriage I was so upset that I thought the only thing I needed in life is a baby and then I would not have any more things in life. Then I was blessed with a darling princess. Later the only thing I dreaded and prayed is when Pavan had to undergo a lung surgery. I just have to dedicate one write up for that because its really really really very difficult to wait outside a operation theater which was going on for hours without knowing what is happening inside without knowing if he is okay or if he is in pain and accompanying his equally worried old parents outside. The only prayer I had was that he has to come out safe and he should not be in pain. Even that was answered. I think its only only because of God I was able to face that situation. I being a coward myself never really had the courage to face that situation. And that is the time when all my friends atleast whoever I thought had friends had no time to be near me to give me or Pavan a helping hand. And the only option I was left with was my colleagues and all I got from them is a sms if you need anything let us know not even a call.
Actually that time I had built in such a wall around me that I decided never to let anyone close to me and that I dont need anyone. Anyways the point is in both the times God has answered my prayers. And so I should never be complaining of anything in life because apart from those two I didnt have any other expectations. But recently I have started expecting too much in work :).

If I go back FLASHBACK...... I had been a very career oriented person. When I started in SBI in 98, I had to be in a village which gave me lots of time. The first 3 months I took it very slowly trying to compromise with myself. My heart and dream of doing Msc Physics in IIT was not going to happen. And I didnt want to end up as a failure. By sheer luck somehow in the first 6 months in the bank majority of events happened. The internal audit and also somehow Our branch was selected for zonal audit so within 6 months I was like know the end to end operations of Bank. Be it handling the cash counter or deposits counter, be it handling loans or going for field inspection, be it money remittance or withdrawal from the town bank, be it preparing trial balance or balancing main day and GL books I know every thing and could do everything fast. I made some of the boring works like trial balance etc interesting by making it a game and also with some creativity of making the ledgers look good with good writing. The auditors were actually impressed. And two of them even sent me letters about me either becoming a TO or a PO. The only thing I didnt like there was that it was really a totally isolated place and I didnt want to end up just earning some 3000 or something and somehow there the growth seem to happen only if you are in good books of your boss and be a yes boss kind which was never kind of me.

That is when I had got this oppurtunity in IT world in Covansys. Me joining Covansys was a big thing. When I was selected first after a written test and interview I couldnt join becoz I didnt yet complete my graudation. So they said they cannot take me after giving me the offer letter. I had to go back to SBI withdrawing my resignation. But I didnt cry and I was not upset also. I thought if God is doing this he should have a reason. But that year in bank I learnt that I probably should not be in that place at all. It gave me a good oppurtunity to serve old people but there was no exposure and definitly no growth especially me being only 19. So next time again I wrote covansys entrance this time with more clarity that I defnitiely am not going to regret my decision of quitting SBI and joining IT. There was lots of resistance from my parents and relatives because a nationalized bank job seemed to be a charm than a private job. But I was very stubborn. Sometimes If I take a decision I would not even think anymore and be very stubborn at it and lo..I made it the second time also got through the interview and got an oppurtunity in Covanys with UNUM being my first project.

After that there was no stopping me. I wanted to become a team lead within a year of joining and never wanted to be branded as just one more MCA group. So I involved in every activitiy in the project. I had stayed late helped others atleast there was a goal on what I wanted. I wanted to get a onsite exposure and wanted to handle a project independently. And I think when you really know what you want and if your heart is on it no one can stop you. And that is what happened to me. I became a TL infact project owner I still remember the mail sent by my then PM Ravindran Palaniappan. He is such a great person I have ever come across. Then got an onsite and things were all working in the way I expected. It was always work work work and that is when I got a marriage proposal :).

Actually things were not like so straight forward. In my SBI life and covansys days there were lots of every day issues and hiccups and things that bothered me had tried to pull me down. But somehow the goal was clear.

And well before my marriage, I was in singapore and then I had to come back to India in the middle of a project well for getting married. Now that is when I had been thinking on what my priority is. Work or Family. I didnt want him to do any compromise for me and at the same time I thought both of us should not regret any move we make. Because He was working in Germany and I was in Singapore and it didnt seem there is a point that either one of them to move to the other country. So we discussed and finally decided that we both better move to India. And that is when I also decided that I will give priority to family and career comes second. And I did make up my mind for it. So with that...now why am I feeling so worried about my work and about not having clarity and if am actually having a growth in my career or not.

Probably I was actually not putting in much efforts when I joined again after my daughter was born.
But the last one year I had put my heart and soul in a project which I was working on. I think I spent most of my time worrying about conversion and UAT testing and implementation and accounting entries more than I even thought about my princess. But in the end there was some expectations set..May be I felt I would take up more responsibility and probably without my knowledge has been expecting a grwoth in my career.And then it felt like may be am not doing any good job probably and honestly if I think, if I leave the team now..there would be absolutely no impact also. And I dont know what I want to do also because of some constraints am putting on myself. In the end after all this the only thing that comes to my mind is why do I even have to expect anything when I am the one who decided that family comes first.

So that comes down to the very first line.
Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.
Everything depends on the attitude and how we choose to react. So may be thats what Lord Krishna says.
Do your duty without having any attachment to the results!!!!

Songs of Heart Songs of Life

2010-09-18T03:44:00.001-07:00

Its not that am from a musical family but music and songs has been part of my life..part of my growing up :). And some songs when I hear now brings in with me lots of memories and touches the heart in a way that at times it leaves some tears in eyes and a ache in heart. And some brings in memories that make you smile and make you feel glad that it did happen.

Actually even my engagement and wedding is also because of one song.
Actually the meeting of my life partner also was because of a song. There was a song in movie azhagi oliyile terivadhu devadhaiya....
And I just loved that song again a no reason love..And my husband then used to listen to this song. I was wondering why a telugu person is listening to this tamil song..and he said he loved this song so much for no reason. I was thrilled. And later I sent him a mail with the meaning of that song thinking that he could enjoy it more if he understood the meaning. Thats how it started and we ended up getting married.

Anywas going back to the flash back.
The first ever song I remember listening is to my uncles song. He used to sing me pullanguzhal koduttha moongilgale..a old cinema song which he used to sing for me as a lullaby.

My mom used to sing some songs like chinna pappa, kuzhandaiyum deivamum apart from other devotional songs for me. She used to sing for me till I sleep infact when I went to India for my pregnancy I asked her to sing me the same songs so that the baby in me can listen to them and now I sing the same songs for my darling princess.

And my dad used to sing lots and lots of devotional songs especially for the whole night also. Every day morning he used to sing doing pooja and then he will sing for us to put us to sleep. So even now if I listen any purandarasa songs then it reminds me of my dad.

Now after that my life was kind of ruled by Ilayaraja. The songs like povoma urgolam, agni natchathiram and especially one of the ever green songs are idhu oru ponmalai pozhudu and ilaya nila..And the one song which I used to listen again and again and again is Malaiyil yarooo mandhododu pesa..Well that reminds me of Swarnalatha and I really feel sad that she is no longer with us.

Especially there were some moments of my life with my cousin. There was a movie varusham 16 and one more ullatthai allitha...Those movie songs are like as if dedicated for him kind. He would enjoy those songs and we had gala time making fun of him with those songs. Even now if I listen to those songs the first thing that would come to my mind is the moments we made fun of him and it brings lots of sweet memories.

Somehow mouna ragam and punnagai mannan songs were again as if meant for dancing.We never had a tape recorder at home so we me and my sis used to go to my ammmammas house and used to listen to our favorite songs. Actually that time most of the songs I listened were the ones my uncle used to listen. That is how agni natchathriram, idayatthai tirudadhe movie songs I came to know of :)

Once in college, wow life changed so much. I had good circle of friends and then its always songs songs songs. Every part of life there is some song or other :)
Tuje yaad na meri ayi from kuch kuch hota hai I dont know how many times I had heard that song and same goes to dil to pagal hai..songs...Just not the songs but also the lyrics added meaning to life and giving wild set of dreams as well :)

The first other language song apart from tamil and Hindi I listened to was one malayalam song. Pramadhavanam veendum..I dont know it was all a pure coincidence. I had gone to a casette shop to search for some songs which we could use for chorus singing and also for dance. And in that shop this song was playing. I didnt understand the meaning of it but some how it felt as if I know this song and it touched my heart in a way that I couldnt really understand. So i asked him to record that song and give me. Later we tried to practise it to sing. This definitely was not a chorus song and my friends gave up and I tried a lot many times but couldnt get the first line itself correct. Never knew.

Later I had joined bank and every week I had to travel around 10 hours in bus and my amammama gifted me a walk man. And in the village I stayed though it lacked most of the basic amenities you wont believe there was a recording place where if you give the list of songs they will record and put in a casette. And with nothing much to do, I had spent my days there busy collecting songs and making them into cassettes. I had such a big collections all were like ANUs Favorite 1,2,3 almost around 10 casettes. Wow What a life.

That is when alaipayuthe and dil se had released. I dont know why the yeh ajnabi song seemed so touching and why snehithane song has to bring in so much of feelings when I was in no way in love with anyone at that time. Still it brought in a lots of dreams and lots of expectations in life.

So songs has been always a part of life. What am I writing. This is really not the one I wanted to write. I totally drifted away from the topic.

Yet currently the song am humming is a telugu song which is for the love of my life.

Nuuvvu Nuvvu Nuvve nuvvu from Kadgam. The song and the meaning was WOW.

Let me stop here and hope probably in my next post atleast I could get what I wanted to write.

Doordarshan :)

2010-09-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

DOORDARSHAN

I was talking to my mom yesterday when I heard the music of doordarshan in someones ring tone. It just took me back to years ago..Flash Back!!!!

Life used to be very simple then and yet full of fun. The first television we owned is a small black and white TV - Konark TV. I used to ask my dad , dad why is it our TV is konark and my friends own up solidaire..and which one is the best?. Because in school we used to fight konark is best or solidaire is best :)

The routine at our home starts at 5:30. My grandma would finish cooking dinner and start the TV at 5:30. There used to be kanmani poonga, wonder ballon..sort of kids programmes and then a very boring vayralum vaazhvum on agriculture and around 7:30 there will be news and some tele serials after that. The most watched and wanted is the friday evening 8 pm where we used to have oliyum oliyum which will telecase all new movie songs. Saturdays evening there will be a hindi movie and sunday evening tamil movie. And sundays are definitely fun days. It would start with He man and the master of universe , then disney mickey mouse and then ramayana, idhar udhar, and hum paanch...etc etc :). Later Ramayana to Mahabarath and then to chandrakantha...Wow :)

My uncle used to go to television station to give some programmes on light music. Once he took me with him when I was in second standard. They were recording the kanmani poonga in the TV station, where small kids will come and sing etc. I told my uncle I also want to sing. So later he took me home and then taught me a small song. I still remember the song.

Vaazhthuvom vananguvom...composed by him on Goddess Saraswahti. So on the day of recording, it was full of hungama at home. What dress to wear as if I have one big wardrobe. Finally I borrowed a pink frock from my cousin I was wearing that. And then my mom tied my hair into two plots with red ribbons. You might be wondering how I even remember the color of the ribbon but theres a reason for that. After going to TV station and then the recording was over. I was so happy. Because I was the only one who sang during recording without crying or creating a scene :). So my uncle as a treat took me on top of the light house and also bought me a icecream.

After that it was a long wait on when they are going to telecast it when finally they sent us a notification that its going to be telecasted that wednesday.
This news was broadcasted to whole close and distant and very distant relatives also. And my mom took half a day leave to come home early to watch me in TV. That time my parents also used to take tuitions at home. So one of the kids used to be very very rich. Actually their house seemmed to be a palace. So her mom had come and took me to her home so that I could watch myself in color television. So when the programme started it was in long shot. But when the kid next to me started to sing,I could see my one plot and red ribbon. And I started screaming hey thats me..thats me...and watching myself in TV felt so great :)

And after that for many days, whenever I go to a wedding or any function, well with my grandparents staying with us and with a very big chain of relatives every other week there would be a function and people would call me..and tell..hey..needane tvla vandha(You are the one who came in TV) and I would keep one expression as if they are asking autograph from me..:)

After that one day our konark TV picture tube POP..bursted. And then dad said..Anu..its not konark.its solidarie which is a good TV and he came home with a mini TV. By then I was in 6th standard in high school so that craziness of fighting whose is best was gone.

And then cable TV mania started where if you take connection you could see one movie every day. Thankfully we didnt do any of that sort and my dad was very strict against all those. Even the regular sunday movie he would check the censor certificate. I guess he had been more strict than those in censor board also. If he sees even a small 'a' anywhere in the certificate which will actually be shown in TV only for seconds he would not let us watch the movie :)

And till my college lifes we were away of this sun tv or any channels. It was always and only doordarshan that was part of our life. But slowly that changed. And we took cable connection out of peer pressure !!! ;-)

Then things changed. It was always full of confusion. Whoever owns the remote cant control the urge of changing it to another channel to make sure that we are not going to miss some better programme. The peacefulness of watching doordarshan was not there.

Probably a simple life is a content one too :)

After that my relationship with doordarshan was very minimal. Till my college days I had been there the TV station near Marina couple of times as part of chorus singing.
Infact once they divided us in three groups, high pitch, low and medium. I was part of high pitch. On the day of recording in the TV station, my voice suddenly was gone. We are supposed to sing one humming..aaah aaa...a...aaaaah...aaaa...
And my voice stood out and my music teacher then told me..you are not going to sing..you just do lip movement okay. I was standing in the middle..and she made me to stand in the back. I was almost in tears. And we had to sing three songs, on sun, moon and stars and I was stupidly standing in the back doing just lip movement. That was one worst experience.

Hey how can I forget to even mention about the films division presents....Ek Anek, Chulbuli and mile sur mera tumhara..These are some songs when you listen to it takes you to the small home where we lived bringing in lots of good old memories.

I dont know somehow there is something missing. The happiness in watching one doordarshan was now missing even with having 100s of channels. Our kids already are exposed to 100s of cartoon characters barney,Dora,Toystory, Ben10, spider man..when all we used to know was just spider man spider man.

Well..Missing Doordarshan and Missing Home!!!

The MRT RIDE

2010-09-07T16:17:00.001-07:00

THE MRT RIDE

Its been long time since I took an MRT alone. Being very lazy and the last minute prep person, I never really will have time to take MRT so I would be rushing for a cab. And even if I take MRT, I would be with my friends busy chatting and if at all am alone which was in my pre-marriage days I used to be totally involved in a book most of the time even missing my stop.

Last week after my class I had taken MRT surprisingly alone and was not even having any book in hand to read. Somehow in India I used to enjoy the train rides observing people around me. Singapore mostly it would be like everyone would be busy with their iphones/PSPs etc so whats there to observe people. But this time lucky I am I get to see how busy and how different everyone lives are.

I noticed a couple with two kids and may be they are going to changi airport with luggages. The baby was so chubby and cute and was trying to get away from the stroller while their son was asking so many questions to his dad. His mom was continously having a worried and kind of irritated look with so many dont do this / that to both her kids. For a minute I felt it was like me...I used to do the same with my daughter being over protective...Oops..does it look so irritating to others and may be to Pavan of me being a constant NOI..NOI..;) Next to them a lady a singaporean with Indian origin(based on looks) was pretending to sleep. The boy was being playful and was moving beside this lady and she was not giving him place and really was acting as if she were sleeping. I was thinking how mean she should be to behave like that with a kid...May be my thoughts were too loud the minute I thought it she turned around and looked at me with a mind your own biz look. Was she a vampire or what :)

Then next to me was sitting a very old lady must be in her late eighties and a old man was standing. She was constantly looking into the old man and telling something. Everytime there was a seat vacant she would call him giving a worried look and ask him to sit. She was actually finding it difficult to tell that also. Finally that old man came and told her Mom Am fine okay..I want to stand..Actually I was really touched..Well however old your son may be for a mom he still remains a child.

Two extremes...I saw two moms one with a 5 year son and the other with almost 50 plus year kid and both shared the same commonality...a worried look in their face for their kids..Moms never change :)

Then there was a dad and son standing. The dad must be in late fourties and the son must be actually almost in 20s and the irony is that the son seemed to be mentally handicapped. He was not holding anything and trying to stand and the father was trying so hard to make him hold something and balance. He was totally in smiles at times looking puzzled and at times feeling dazed. And whenever he smiled even the dad smiled showing him something. It left a strange ache in me. I asked him if he wants to sit but he said he has to get down in the very next stop. It leaves me with the feeling that when almost everything is alright with us we still complain about all small things when there are people who has every right to complain just walk away smiling enduring things. May be thats why attitude matters.

Opposite to me was a serious woman sitting and reading a big book. I tried hard to find out what she was reading. Curiosity boss!!! what to do. But could never succeed in that.

And then I saw some kids getting inside chatting happily and bullying each other as well. They were all wearing the same kind of t-shirt but no names in it. Probably went for a competition or something. Nostalgia...:( Missing good old golden days
Each one having a mobile phone and planning for outing and were quite loud as well.
Most of the time in a group of students there is a person who always look cheerful and one person quite reserved. It was the same in todays case also.

Anyways thats it by then I had to get down. But this is the first time I got to see some lively scenes in singapore MRT.

Have you ever heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn't you with that you could go back into time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Those are songs that are the soundtrack of our lives... the ones that bring back childhood memories, best friends, first love, first heartbreak... the memories.

Are you thinking what is this got to do with the MRT journey :)
Thats the prologue for my next blog :)

Sometimes

2010-09-03T17:12:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, Knowingly or unknowingly we hurt the feelings of others. And there are some in the name of being straight forward try and hurt others. I was thinking about my ammamma today. My mom called me and started crying. She was telling me that she was reading my ammammas old diaries.I am the eldest grand daughter of hers and for my marriage my mom had bought a cotton saree for my grand ma. Actually my grand ma was very thin and she wasnt keen on silk sarrees. So thinking about the comfort factor my mom had got her a cotton saree. And my ammamma had written in her diary that she was so upset and in tears that her daughter had given her only a cotton saree probably because she was a widow etc. Actually when my marriage was fixed I was in singapore. When I came back I went to pothys in chennai along with my friend and took my ammamma also and had got her a silk saree which probably my mom forgot. But reading this diary now..she was very upset..and what could she do to change it. There is no choice. Even after I telling her that I had got her a silk saree she was not convinced. And somehow the very same day her maid had come to her and asked that she dont have sarees and if my mom can give her one. It was such a big coincidence and my mom immediately went and gave her some nice sarress including silk sarees and she told me that only then she got some peace. she felt its ammamma who is asking for saree. Somehow this made a big impact to me. Most of the times we really hurt the feelings of our near and dear ones. And especially if someone is very close to us we dont mind speaking to them whatever we want and may be it hurt them. We might even feel that its okay tomorrow if I tell sorry things should become okay as most of the time it would be some emotional outbursts..But what if that tomorrow never comes for the other person. Will it not impact us throughout our lives.
Thats why its really important not to hurt anyones feelings.
Every one has one life and a right to live it in the way they chose to.
When we start judging people where is the time left to love them?

Happy Independence Day

2010-08-14T15:50:00.001-07:00

Wishing You all a very Happy Indpendence Day.

Wow!!! India is now (we are) celebrating our 63rd Independence anniversary :).
And this year its going to be all the more special as India is going to host the common wealth games. Lets not talk or think about corruptions or any other -ves today.

It gives such a immense sense of belonging just by looking into our flag. Especially for those who stay away from the home country. We used to celebrate Independence day for the choclates thats given in school...The small paper flag that we used to pin in our uniform, the Independence day speeches, Dances and cultural programmes. Generally it used to be like this for me. I used to learn some song from my grand mother about freedom struggle or the country related songs mostly Bharathyar poems and then write a speech to talk on independence day and then participate in any of the cultural event. The best thing I used to like is to pin the flag.
There was not much seriousness till atleast I came to tenth standard.

After tenth, there was realization and a huge pariotic feeling about India is my country. Even when we recite the Pledge we friends used to actually mean each and every word of it. We went to library to learn about our freedom struggle. ACtually the interest came because we first thought that we will no longer be studying social studies from plus 1 and that in turn became into a patriotic feeling.

India :) With sixty three years of freedom, what we have achieved. We have come to a stage where we are still the number 1 when it comes to democracy. Only when we dont have something we understand the importance of achieveing it.Since our generations have already tasted the sense of freedom we still dont realize or probably appreciate it.

Apart from democary and population,India has been noticed for all the scientific achievements.Actually its easy to complain. Most of us including me still do complain on the infrastructure on the corruption about politics about unemployment about slums...but whoever complains have we done anything about it other than complaining..Where Inida was noticed because of slum dog oscar, will we be noticed for hosting a big event like common wealth?

Oops am deviating..I want to talk only about the good things...Independence day, to thank every single one from Father of nation to all those freedom fighters who visualized and struggled to get independence for us. The beauty and the serenity of the song..Vande matharam which used to be the wake up song in most of our houses...
to our National Anthem, which by default makes us to stand and feel proud of being a Indian. Feel proud to be a Indian which has the beauty of Unity in Diversity.
India which has the beauty of varied cultures and languages.

Well Let me share some facts about India to be proud about.

36% of NASA employees are Indians.
34% of MICROSOFT employees are Indians.
28% of IBM employees are Indians.
17% of INTEL employees are Indians.
13% of XEROX employees are Indians.
(Do I have to mention about citibank too :))

You may know some of these facts. These
facts were recently published in a German
Magazine, which deals with
WORLD HISTORY FACTS ABOUT INDIA.

India never invaded any country in her last
100000 years of history.

India invented the Number System.

Aryabhatta invented zero.

The World's first university was established in
Takshila in 700BC.More than 10,500 students from
all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The
University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC
was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India
in the field of education.

Sanskrit is the mother of all the European
languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language
for computer software reported in Forbes magazine,
July 1987.

Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine
known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine
consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today
Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place
in our civilization.

Although modern images of India often show
poverty and lack of development, India was the
richest country on earth until the time of
British invasion in the early 17th Century.

The art of Navigation was born in the river
Sindh 6000 years ago.
The very word Navigation is derived from
the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH.
The Word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.

Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the
earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the
astronomer Smart.; Time taken by earth to orbit
the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days.
Budhayana first calculated the value of pi, and
he explained the concept of what is known as the
Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the
6th century long before the European mathematicians
Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from
India; Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the
11th century ; The largest numbers the
Greeks and the Romans
used were 10 6(10 to the power of 6) whereas
Hindus Used numbers as big as 1053 (10 to the
power of 53) with specific names as Early as 5000 BCE
during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest
used number is Tera 1012(10 to the power of 12).

According to the Gemological Institute of
America, up until 1896,India was the only source for
diamonds to the world.

USA based IEEE has proved what has been a
century-old suspicion in the world scientifi
community that the pioneer of Wireless
communication was Prof. Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.

The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was
built in Saurashtra. According to Saka King
rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake
called 'Sudarshana'
was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during
Chandragupta Maurya's time.

Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.

Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600
years ago he and health scientists of his time
conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans,
cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary
stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage
of anesthesia was well known in ancient India.
Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep
knowledge of anatomy, etiology, embryology, digestion,
metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found
in many texts.

When many cultures were only nomadic forest
dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians
established Harappan culture in Sindhu
Valley (Indus Valley Civilization)
The place value system, the decimal system
was developed in India in 100 BC.

QUOTES ABOUT INDIA:

Albert Einstein said: We owe a lot to the
Indians, who taught us how to count, without
which no worthwhile scientific discovery could
have been made.

Mark Twain said: India is the cradle of the
human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother
of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great
grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most
structive materials in the history of man are treasured
up in India only.

French scholar Romain Rolland said: If there is
one place on the face of earth where all
the dreams of living men have found a home from
the very earliest days when man began the dream
of existence, it is India.

Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA said:
India conquered And dominated China culturally
for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single
soldier across her border.

Jai Hind.

Helping Hands are better Than Praying Lips

2010-08-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Its going to be my daughters birthday in a weeks time. I was just thinking that most of the time in the name of parties including weddings for that matter, we order lots of food and end up wasting a lot more also. Am not saying parties and feast are wrong actually its fun and is a good way of meeting up our friends and relatives and also have a quality time with loved ones. But when we choose about the dish that we have to order and plan for it, there is vision of those under privileged comes into my mind.

People who do not have a choice to choose their food not because of health reasons but because of Poverty...People who have no choice and who are in need of food just for survival...If we think of them we would never have the heart to waste food. I am not the right person to say this actually because I have just too many choices. I love to enjoy my food and eat but at the same time I would outright reject some dishes and waste them.

So next time when we plan a party or feast along with that may be some percentage of money we probably can allocate for charity or donate to orphanage or some noble deed.
May be the blessings we get from them is one of the best gift we could give to our children also. Also actually if you have experienced it you will know that the best happiness lies in seeing others happy especially those who are in need.

In Helen Keller's words, the best things in life cannot be seen or heard but only can be felt!!!

By the way for those in India please note that
If you have a function/party at your home in India and food gets wasted, don't hesitate to call 1098 (only in India) - Its not a Joke - child helpline. They will come and collect the food.

Can You Believe It

2010-08-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Can you Believe it that I am the sole reason for breaking open the directors room in My office Tower 31st Floor!!!!
It was the most stressful day!!! Heights of irresponsibility!!!
Soemtimes we are too pre-occupied with unnecessary worries too much pre-occupied with things about which we actually need not worry and lose concentration and lose things.The main reason for my carelessness is at times am too much occupied with certain thoughts and well I had lost the key to the meeting room and ended up in raising request to break open the door!!! And already there was a stress of losing the key and it was all so embarrassing to inform everyone sitting in the floor that there is going to be a disturbance since we are going to break open the door!!!
What a day!!!!!
And I think we should listen to our intuitions. For me it always has worked. But only thing is I never listen to my intuition. Like when I was taking the key from my friend I had thought that I should not be taking it and what if I lose it. But other thought was that after all its for a day and I am keeping it in my bag so how will I lose it. Same way today morning when I started also i had intuition that I had misplaced the key and I wanted to check before I started to work. But already it was late and there was the usual morning chaos so I didnt give much priority to it and in the end had to really face a tough day at work.

When am I ever going to learn?!

Be Ready

2010-08-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

{Not my own post. But I liked this very much}

Opportunity has always been with us. Everybody gets a shot. Question is will we be ready?”. …………………………………………………………………………………………...……...……………………………………………………...

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: “The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold”.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles. He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about mid afternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it's easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it's just as easy to throw it away. The problem is we never know when the door of opportunity is going to open wide. For some, the big break comes early in life and for others later on. But for all of those who become successful, there is one key similarity: They were ready. And for every one of those who were ready, there were thousands more who weren't. So, the principle for us is: Be ready!

Let's be proactive and make sure that we are the most qualified when the door opens. All we need is to make sure we are the closest to the door…. When it opens – Be Ready!

Ssshhh....... Do you hear that sound? Hinges creaking! It is the sound of the door opening. Our door of opportunity - The touch stone! I am ready, how about you?

Chevrolet Optra..

2010-08-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

I have never ever had a dream of owning a car. Even as a kid I would have dreamt of having a own house good job etc etc but never a car. And infact till the time I had come to singapore, the only car I had travelled in is ambassador. And its impossible for me to identify and differentiate the different make of the cars whether its Hyundai or honda , Toyota or Suzuki or whatever. I used to even wonder when people even young kids can identify the car.

All this changed when my hubby decided to buy a car. I am still surprised that he learnt and got licenence in singapore. Wow. And now we decided to buy a car. Now whenever I go out in cab or in bus or whatever, I never used to concentrate on the directions as well sa other vehicles. But from the time we decided to buy a car is when I started noticing the cars. Wow its actually interesting.

Toyota, Chevrolet, Hyundai, Honda, Ford, Benz, BMW , Suzuki and what not. Some of the cars which I actually liked based on the shape because I still cannot talk about mileage or other technical details :)

I loved Chevrolet Cruze and Toyota Camry. Ofcourse if you want to go for a big one I really loved Toyota Estima. And ofcourse Toyota RAV4. And finally we settled for Avante. But unfortunately it didnt go through the coe bidding and so now we are the proud owners of Chevrolet Optra.

Chevrolet Optra especially the golden colour one is just the best car you could ever own!!! (Now I had to be partial since ours is cheverolet :) )

Actually am now in love with our car. It has such a class look and appeal. And the golden color adds to its beauty.

I had a wrong notion that better to take cabs instead of owing a car for who would worry about parking etc. But now that we got a car wow the comfort is amazing. Anytime anywhere you want to go its like so easy. Where my hubby would prefer staying home than going out he is now willing to come out. I dont know how long this enthu will last..but as of now its just amazing and am so excited.

Well so East or West Cheverolet is Best :)

By the way if you want to buy Optra its useful to read some reviews.

"http://www.chevrolet.co.in/content_data/AP/IN/en/GBPIN/001/awards-gm.html"

"http://cars4india.wordpress.com/"

Is it the world or Us who is getting smaller

2010-08-05T00:06:00.001-07:00

We talk about globalisation. We talk about world as a small global village. With all these growing technologies we defintiely have made world a better place to live but are we living in a better way.

In the past where letter brought in the joy where getting a call from some one close would mean so much , now a days its all become a fantasy. Even a third standard kid is getting missed call. There is no quality time spent with out loved ones. And especially with iphones..things have gone even worse. Getting a answer from your loved one...itself is a big gift even if we stay together. The only source of entertainment has become watching television or browsing. People spend hours in chatting with unknown faces rather than to talk to their life partners. How many times we get a response from our better half while they are busy browing their i-phone.

The happiness you get when getting a post, when reading those letter written in your friends or relatives handwriting no words could describe it. Whether its birthday or a festival, to do shopping and buying greeting cards writing messages and posting them all those moments are lost now. The only thing that fills our letter box is the bills and statements nothing personal.

I remember even when I was in college during some lazy sundays I used to open all the letters cards and read them which would always bring smiles. Ya now also we mail our friends but whats so special...where is the personal touch...Slowly we are becoming like machines...searching for happiness in the technology..always browsing either in laptop or thanks to apple even in iphone..Kids are busy playing games in their parents i phone..

The healthy hobbies like stamp collecting or writing or even reading books I guess will soon vanish. The moments where a family sit together and chat..especially the moon light dinner in the terrace are all kind of vanishing now.

Well what to say..where there are no ears to listen to these thoughts what is the point of having these communicating gadgets. When distance between hearts have increased what is the point of world getting smaller.

Virus Virus Virus

2010-08-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

There are good days and There are bad days. This is one such day.

My daughter was down with viral fever. Now for the first time I felt bacterias are better than virus atleast I could have given her some anitbiotics. After 4 days of continous high fever she started getting rashes. I was so worried. I thought it must be HFMD!!!! And rushed to the hospital again. The doc checked and confirmed that its not HFMD but its still a viral infection and the next two days her rashes might get worse but later she will recover on her own.

So am hoping she gets better soon. This phase is really tiresome and leaves with literally no energy physically and mentally.

I wanted to share some things to do when there is high fever.

1.Make sure that they do not get dehydrated. So keep giving them lots of liquid. Especially water for ever few minutes. Since there are ulcers in throat and mouth its very difficult to swallow. So only way is to keep giving them in small amounts frequently.

2.Its okay to give some cold jelly, ice cream or yoghurt but they should be given only in very minimal amounts. Otherwise it might aggravate the fever or cold.

3. Its okay to give sponge bath using luke warm water and let it dry on its own.

4.Dress them up in very light clothes and make sure that the room is ventilated and neither too hot not too cold.

5.And more importantly take care of yourself too as as a mother we need more strength and energy to take care of our kids.

Generally I am against the concept of taking kids to GP when they fall sick. I used to argue that its important to take them to only paediatrician even for small issues. Last time when I was down with fever and at the same time my daughter also was sick with cold and flu I took her to GP since he was near and she also recovered fast. And because of that I took her to GP this time too which is actually wrong. May be I should have taken to the paediatrician first. Ofcourse a virus takes its own course of time but still...So Lessons Learnt..Never take kids to GP .

All izzz well :)

Happy Friendship Day

2010-08-03T04:10:00.000-07:00

Good Morning World

All izzz well!!!

It has been a stressful week for me since my daughter was not well. The toughest times in life is when your dear and near one fall sick and you feel so helpless.
Anyways its friendship week with first sunday of August being friendship day.

Friends :)
The minute you say this word it brings a smile. Friends are part of our life and our well being.
I am thankful to god for having blessed me with good friends and a guardian angel.

So wishing all my friends a very happy friendship day.

Dont walk in front of me
I may not follow you
Dont walk behind me
I may not lead you
Walk beside me and be my friend forever :)

Oops

2010-07-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Oops. Today was really a mess. I really dont know why I was so toungue tied after all to run a call with my own team. Did I do that? I really dont understand where did all the courage go? I feel like a stranger to myself as if I dont know me. Its like did I ever had any confidence in life. Always there is a doubt of what if am wrong or I dont even realize what is that that has taken the confidence in me. Probably at times when you have to be submissive at certain places may be that brings a impact to the person who you are.Or probably when you hear some negative comments most of the times about you then you tend to believe that and become pessimistic about yourself. I dont know what is it.And especially the worst thing is when you fail someones trust on you. Right now I am feeling totally low and hope by morning I get back to the me I were from the me I am.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A WASTED DAY!!

2010-07-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

Manager asked sardar at an interview. Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner? Wife: No! Why? Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.. S.A. asked Sardar: Any great man born in this village??? Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanti So Sardar writes, "Gandhi ji was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanti
When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive.

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!

Sardar: My mobile bill how much? Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.. Friend: How do u know? Sardar: I told her that I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay " Air hostess said: "B silent." Sardar: "Ok... Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?" Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!

Sardar: Miss, Did u call my mobile? Teacher: Me? No, why? Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call". (Had never thought of it)

MORE MOR-KALI.

2010-07-26T17:00:00.001-07:00

Today early morning 5:00 am I was chatting with my cousin when she mentioned that she loves Morkali (I dont know how to spell this better, anyways she had spelled it morkali so am using the same :) ) and which is unusual. I replied her back saying that even I love morkali especially my mom made morkali and that is when we both decided that whe have to write something about morkali.
What is morkali.Morkali is a south indian dish. Its kind of like a upma but is made with rice flour and curd. It would be more tasty if the curd is sour. (Actually its a must that the curd is sour). Now the recipe is simple. Add curd to the mixture. And set it aside. Then do seasoning, add this mix and stir it till the whole mixture turns to brown and yummy kali is ready.Sounds so simple right :)
Now I dont know probably my mom adds more oil or whatever when she makes it it just tastes really yummy and there will be a big competition between me , my sis and my dad. And It just would taste heavenly and always would feel like its not enough.
So now after my marriage, I wanted to prepare this heavenly dish for Pavan. Now when I explained about this to Pavan, he was really scared. First thing is am already a great cook and he has to suffer my daily routine and if I am going to prepare something for the first time then you can imagine how much he should be afraid. On top of it he told me that he generally doesnt prefer to eat the kali kind of stuff. And finally out of the newly wed crush he one day offered to try it out.
So I started my ordeal. Well its so simple to do it. I just told him wait for 5 minutes and you are ready to try out the most heavenly and blissful dish. So all set, the mixture is done. And I lit the stove, put the pan , add oil , mustard seeds and red chilly..And then poured the mix in the stove and started to stir it. I was just hoping that it would turn brown soon but it doesnt. Well am I doing the right thing. So I called my mom and checked and she confirmed everything is as per I have done and asked me to have some patience. By the end of the discussion when I was going to kitchen,I could see the kali but well..how hard I try I was not able to remove the spoon from the dish. I switched off the stove and was trying with all my energy to remove the spoon from the dish. Otherwise it tasted just fine and yummy :). Then I called Pavan. He told me to wait till the dish gets bit cold. But I was telling him that mor kali tastes fine only when it is hot. He gave me you-still-have-the guts-to-ask-me-to-taste look and told me to wait. And then he tried and tried hard in vain.
Right time there was a ad in TV. Fevicolin balamana inaippu.. I mean Fevicol just sticks so strong that you can never remove it. And my husband started laughing. He was telling me that even If he manages to remove the spoon there is no way we can ever seperate the dish from the pan. Its like two souls united forever. I still dont understand what went wrong.And I had to disown my pan, the spoon and the mor-kali. Such a sad ending to a good start :(And I definitely could not wait for our maid to come and clean the pan because already it was so hard getting maids in Chennai and we both were pretty confident that if I let her see the pain and the kali that would probably be the last day she worked in our home. After that I never ever even dared to mention about mor-kali to Pavan but I had the longing of trying it again.
So next time I tried to make mor-kali is after around 4 years of my marriage at my moms place when I was pregnant. I then tried once when I was alone at home to save any further embarrasment. So this time I took very little of everything and started to make mor-kali. I just let my friend know that and she told me that however good I prepare I should not eat it as its a big risk for the baby inside. What if it gets stuck :). So this time thankfully it looked great and I really wanted to taste it but well why take chance during pregnancy. So my cousin (poor soul) unexpectedly came to see me in the wrong time.And I offered him. Well I prepared very little and definitely only one person can eat and he got the chance.
He told me that he dont want to eat anytihng but I told him that when a pregnant lady offers he should not be saying no and that am already having lots of mood swings and if he dont eat I will start crying :):):). So he managed to eat it and when he was eating he literally tried so hard in between so many times to tell me that it tastes good but he could not open his mouth as it was still sticky :). Finally after he finished eating he told me that I should thank god that I am pregnant :)and he never knew till that day that I had so much of hatred for him :) Well thats to the lighter side, actually he said it was good but I till date dont know if it really was good and thats the second and last time I tried mor-kali. After that I never got a chance but now..to think about it probably I will try to make it this weekend. Anyways I have one old pan which am thinking to get rid of. So do you want to come home this weekend to try mor-kali????

Marina - I miss you

2010-07-26T16:24:00.001-07:00

{Warning - This is a badly written one...Not that my other scribblings are great. But this is written sometime back and is
incomplete..but I had been quite for quite a long time in my blog. So want to break the ice :) }
Marina Beach...It has been not just a part of my happy moments or a picnic spot but also a place which I would prefer to go
when I look for solace in solitude. As a kid going to beach is the best most lovable outing. The walk in the sand and to play
in the shore with the wild waves trying to drag us and we (Me and my sis ) holding on to our dad. I just love to play in
water. The thrill the excitement and the happiness are just cannot be expressed in words. And same way, whenever am hurt or
whenever I have to make a decision, Its been always Marina. Standing and feeling the waves that touch your feet there is a
serene beauty in that and that atmosphere has helped me to calm me.
Today I am very much in need of that. Miss you Marina. Today I am feeling sad a no reason stupid sadness. I am just thinking
how powerful words are. They have the tendency to break you apart completely. And how very powerful the relationships we make
in our life are. I think human lives are bound by these relationships. And Love and affection is something that cannot be
hidden how muchever we try and when there is no reciprocation for it, they just break the heart rip the soul apart from our
heart and in the end we feel alien to ourselves.
The unconditional love we get from our parents, the protective pampering love of grand parents,the friendship that blossoms
with our siblings and the friendship we make with our peers and those teachers who touched our lives, our colleagues,
superiors, neighbours, the train mate, the room mate, the just look and smile acquaintance and the cousin less friends more
kind o feveryone that come in our lives touch our lives in some way or other and when they leave us it changes us in someway
or other.
Everyones life is bound by so many relationships. Some relationships stay forever. A friend who touch your heart in a way that you wish to preserve that relationship forever.And there are some relationships that break just by one wrong word uttered then it just makes us lose the faith in relationships.At times it happens with our most understanding and close relationships. And if you think about it, it just leaves me with a
feeling that..how uncertain are any relationship that we form in our life. It makes you feel that there is no such thing
called forever. Its very difficult to see people who live their lives in such a way that they do not want to hurt anyone at
all with their actions.
Why am I drifting to a different world when I started about Marina. Well coming back..again as a kid when we used to go to
Marina with dad and mom the best things I love are the merry go rounds, making of sand castle and OFCOURSE PLAYING IN THE
WATER. And also I just would love to collect sea shells and buy the bajjis (oil dripping) and kucchi ice (ice cream stick)
there. But my dad will never allow to buy anything there becuase he was to the core protective of us. He would give reasons
that they are made of bad oil , impure water etc etc. Now thinking about it that time I used to feel so bad about it that he
is not buying them for me.. But now am sure I would not let my daughter too to go and eat those things there. First sign of
getting old may be :). And going to beach with friends or alone is impossible and not allowed. Now where is the fun if you
dont break rules :).
The first time I went to Marina alone is because of ammamma. Actually am a bit too emotional and sensitive kind of a person.And at times actually most of the times the person with whom am so close and so comfortable and become very emotionally
involved will leave me. I used to have lots of friends around always. But only with one or two I was really close.And the time when a friend becomes my best friend..is the time they would leave me also..either they would levae the school
or go to different state or whatever or I would leave to different place.So when I had to leave my college to join bank I was totally totally upset more importantly about missing my friend.And when I came back for holidays sometimes it does happen that out of sight out of mind with some. It felt really so bad that someone else had taken my place for my best friend. It might seem silly but it did hurt me a lot. And I was talking to ammamma and she told something about beach and I just left to Marina beach all alone. I was not doing anything. I was just sitting letting the waves to take away my sadness without thinking anything. And really i did feel relaxed. Well that is when I decided that I guess probably for the third time already that I would never get involved emotinally with any relationship and get hurt or get myself feel sad.And now after 10 years am still the same :) no change at all.
Well like wise I have been to Marina stealthily with friends and alone when I had to take a decision of quitting SBI and joining Covansys, When I had to convince my parents about my first onsite trip, when my grand ma expired, when my friends mom left her and wow so many times :) and it never failed me. Always when I return from the beach even if am not fully recovered it still does help to calm me down.
Well Today...I miss Marina. I am sure am not in a right state of mind right now. But I definitely have to write something just about Marina.

The Boquet

2010-06-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

I just opened the shop when I saw him. It was not a special day. Not a valentines day or mothers day or fathers day where people would come to my shop and buy boquets and on top of it is actually not a good day in the calendar too. Its Friday the 13th which is actually considered as a bad day to many. So who is going to come and buy boquets today unless I buy something for myself. Amongs these thoughts I saw him. He was staring my shop for long time. This already seems to be a nice day and on top of it I have no time to manage any adventure today. Oh no..The only other person in the shop used to be the lady who comes to clean up the shop. Yesterday she told me that she needed leave today and I had asked her not to come too. How stupid of me.
I opened this shop just opposite to the bus stop and in college road because that is where my target customers are. Most of the time its students who would crowd my small boquet shop either to give boquets for their favorite professors or to friends or lovers or what not. But holiday season already started and not much students around and in this sunny lonely day all I am left is with roses in my desk and a staring guy in the bus stop. It made me feel really uncomfortable.I went in and sprinkled water on all those beautiful flowers and again I looked into that guy.
He was still standing there but thankfully not staring at me or my shop. He was tall stout and really dark. He doesnt look clean and I dont know when was the last time he would have washed his clothes. He looked that dirty. I guess idle mind is devils workshop and my mind already started imagining 100 things about him. Was he there genuinely waiting for the bus. It doesnt seem so because all the buses that pass through the route already had passed but he was still standing there. So it did seem that he is not waiting for bus. Then what else..is he there to steal something or to create any issue. And the college also is not working today and the road was completely aloof without anyone except him. And ya there is a me, the only person who has a shop in the college road. May be I should close and go home and come back later. I am sure, Friday the 13th is ofcourse a bad day. I never used to believe in such stupid sentiments but things are really weird. Is it normal to have someone looking so rough staring at your shop for alteast an hour almost.
When I looked up again, thankfully he was gone. He was no longer in the bus stop. I just felt like a big relief. But it didnt last a second as this guy was now standing in front of my shop. I started to sweat. I had never felt such a fear in my life before. And this guy happily walked into the shop. I was just thinking that the best way is to hand over all the cash to him and any jewellery I have and then ask him to leave. But before I could say anything, he started to show me some flowers.He was not talking anything. He just showed me some pink roses, orchids and white lillies. He was just showing me in action and I asked him if he wanted me to make a boquet of those flowers and told him that would be very costly(how did I get the courage to tell that to him). He smiled and asked me how much all in action. I told him it would cost 500 bucks.He gave me 500 bucks and bought the boquet I made and left smiling. I could not believe any of it. After he left, I got few more orders in the phone for boquets. So I made them and finally sent them for delivery. I was still wondering about the guy who came, who looked so rough and what he would do with the boquet and why he was not talking. A close look at him, he indeed was not dirty. He was just wearing dark clothes. Anyways a strange day.
The next day I saw my cleaning lady. she was keeping orchid flower on her hair. I was bit irritated. I told her, Valli...Orchid flowers are very costly and you are taking them and keeping it for your hair. If you see a flower dropped down, please take it and keep it on the tray. She smiled and said No Mam. This flower is indeed from this shop. Last month before I told my husband that of all the places I work as helper the best place I like is your shop. It is full of lillies, roses and orchids but never anyone has ever given me a boquet or I dont own a single flower also.She was almost blushing. She continued Yesterday my husband asked me to stay at home and rest. And he came home with a boquet of all these flowers.He neednt have spent so much. She was still blushing and I smiled. It felt so nice, not just she but even the guy whom I saw yesterday suddenly felt like one of the handsome guys.
Well, Beauty is something inside. something about your heart and not about the way you look.Looks are deceptive. I felt so happy..happy for her and nice about that guy.Friday the 13th...it might have made her day...it might have made his day to see the person he loved happy because of her.Ignorance and Innocence are indeed bliss.
Oh well...now thinking about that..no one ever gifted me a boquet too and I own this boquet shop!!!! Guess The time has come to look for the forever friend :).

Innocence

2010-06-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

Today I took my daughter to play area when I met a tamil family there. The mother was busy talking in phone and her two kids were playing in the play area. The younger one should be around 3 years while the elder must be around 6 to 7 years. The thing is now a days kids are becoming matured in a faster pace. The innocence which is there in kids are no longer there. Actually in movies if you watch, kids will be talking and planning like my god as if they are too old. That maturity in the way they talk seems too much for their age and it actually lacks any beauty. I thought its only in movies but even in reality its like that. They have more exposure and get to learn things fast but in the end the beauty of the innocence is lost.
In Tamil there is a scholar and poet thiruvalluvar. In his thirukkural he has said"Kuzhal inidhu yaazh inidu enbar tham makkal mazhai sol keladhavar"
which means people those who hasnt heard their babies voice will keep telling that the divinity is in musical insturments like flute or veena. But see the kids at this age.They already know before 2 years on how to dominate people, whom to dominate, how to get things done and the way they handle gadgets even I cannot. My daughter the minute my husband comes home she will tell, Dad give me your i-phone and she will start playing games for sometime. One way it looks nice to see her doing all this because yeah its a competitive world and the sooner you learn the better you are. But how long these kids will hold their innocence. There definitely is a beauty in that.
Whenever I go to play area and see the kids playing the way they talk in a way amused me but again makes me feel a bit sad too. I feel they miss the way we enjoyed our childhood. How many times we would have passed a toy shop longing for a toy and then getting it after requesting our parents for long time and when we get it the happiness would last for a long time. The way we wait for our cousins , for summer holidays, to go to park there were happiness in so many simple things. But now a days even before our kids ask for it we are giving them all they need at times more than what they need that I dont know if they will learn to appreciate what they have. How does it sound when a 5 year or 6 year kid yells at their parents or talk about things which are just beyond their age. It doesnt really look or feel nice.
Now coming back again to the kid I saw, as I was telling these kids were all too matured in the way they talk and act. But this girl came and told me, Aunty my sister dont know english. And then I started talking to her in Tamil. She wanted to play hide and seek and was explaining the game to me.She has just reached singapore and is basically from a village. The way she explained the game and how she used to play in India in her home town, it was so nice. I could sense the innocence in her voice the beauty of being a kid the joy of ignorance, there is a saying right Ignorance is bliss. It was so touching. I just loved it. There I see my daughter just 2 and half years old playing and telling rules to the other kid. I jsut pray that let her innocence stay for a little longer time so that she is not touched by the cruelties and competitoins of this world.

The Long Wait

2010-06-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

The longest moments of our lives would be those when we wait for someone or something.Be it as simple as waiting for a bus or as serious as our interview or exam results which might change our lives. Now when I talk about bus, somehow Murphys law always seems right when it comes to me. Anytime when I wait for a bus, the bus would come within 2 minutes but in the opposite direction. Same happens when I wait for a cab. If I wait in a long queue there will be so many cabs coming but it would stop coming exactly when it is my turn. The only solace or hope I would be left with is ... God!!! please make the person standing next to me as lucky.

Well the other thing is in the end of a long wait if something positive happens then atleast its worth the wait. But sometimes we wait for something which is never going to happen and feel sad about it.Now when it comes to waiting, I just want to share few moments of my life which I would never forget. If I think of it, it feels as though they all happend just few days back.
As kids we wait for the exams to get over, wait for summer holidays , wait for the outings to go and for cousins to arrive , wait for play time, wait at home for parents to come and what not. As we grow older we still keep waiting but wait for different other set of reasons.

The drawback of both parents working is that kids miss us. My parents since both of them were working never had time to attend any of my school annual day function or sports day. Most of the time it will be in a week day and they would miss it. But my ammamma is a source of inspiration. She would encourage me to pariticipate in everything. All she would say is winning is not important but participating is more important.So I used to take part in every competition I know of. And it was in my eleventh standard , I guess I won prizes in almost all the competitions I participated. Lady luck was by my side probably. Then my teacher called me and said that my parents should come to the annual day.It was a saturday. I had to go to school by 3:00 to get dressed up for a dance performance. I asked my mom to come for the culturals at 6:00.From 6:00 I was standing near the gate waiting for her to come. My turn came for performance, I just danced and again came back to the door waiting. And then came prize distribution after that, the chief guest speech, they called for my mother.But she was not there, and my teacher was asking for her. In the end my friends mom went to the stage and collected the shield for me with me. She couldnt come because she was held up in a meeting but that was one of the days which felt like a never ending wait.

After that when I was pregnant, the first three months every time I go and see the doctor to get the scan done, it would be alteast a minimum of 1 to 2 hours wait and till three months the doctor was telling I should be very carefull and she can confirm anything only after 3 months. So till I go inside and get the scan done, I could just feel my heart beating fast but the clock never ticking. And after the three months, then it was during my delivery. I had pains for 2 days and the longest nights were those when there is pain and no electircity at home and people around are sleeping. But that was all worth the wait and when I saw my angel princess all those waits and all those pains were all felt worth the wait. And the miracle is that you never remember the pain immediately after seeing your child.

But these waits in hospitals are really the most unfortunate moments of everyones life. Becuase the next thing is when my husband had to undergo a surgery. Waiting outside the operation theatre was like really hell. I dont even want to write about it and I just pray that no one ever should go through such a situation.

Now coming to the lighter side,now these waits, which make the moments as the longest moments like einsteins theory of relativity,how do we get over them. How do we do something productive in those moments because idle mind becomes devil's workshop. Well that I have to work upon too because the only two things I used to do it is to read a novel or listen to music. Anyways, whatever it is we cannot escape these waits. Sometimes we wait for someone to leave while sometimes we are desperate in waiting to see someone and hoping that the time when we are with them last forever.So wait!!!! Dont get bored. Am completing this topic here. Let all the waits be worth the wait for you all.

A Beautiful Mind

2010-06-01T08:45:00.001-07:00

Not just the title of the movie, but the movie itself is just beautiful. It was like reading a poem, feeling a music and a just nice movie. I watched it twice. The first time, I just watched the movie. But the second time when I saw, I could notice all those minute details also which were like wow impressive.
Coming to the story of this movie, well it is based on the life of Noble Laurette John Nash. The movie is about how the young Nash becomes schizophrenic and how he has to go through the disease and what is the impact it brings on his wife and friends. It becomes really sad when he has to watch the burden he is being on his wife and his friends. The movie is just not about numbers and how genius Nash is but it also tells about unconditional love and trust.

How nice it is to fall in love and be loved unconditionally.

The story is about Nash, who is good at numbers but a introvert guy and is never good with people. When he arrives at Princeton University he meets Charles his room mate who becomes his best friend. But the irony is that, there is no Charles. That was just his delusion. Later he meets Charles's nephew Marcee who also is not a real person but part of Nash's delusion.
Later he meets one of his students Alicia and both fell in love and get married. And Nash gets his hallucinations worse where he is being taunted by some Parcher who is the head of United States Department of Defence. Nash has to work for Parcher by reading the daily magazines and journals to find any secret codes or messages being sent. Now that is all his illusion and he works on it until one day he imagines being followed by Russians and he thinks they are going to kill him.

That is when Alicia takes him to psychiatrist and he gets treated with meds and insulin shock therapy. Ideally all those messages he has decoded Nash used to put in one secret mail box which Alicia opens and shows Nash that they are all unopened and it is all his illusion. But Nash finds it difficult to believe Alicia and he thinks even that as a plot by Russians.

Finally when Parcher and Charles force Nash to kill Alicia since she now knows the secret that Nash sees Marcee the little girl and suddenly realizes that over the years Marcee has never grown up and she still is a small girl and then he realizes that he is actually imagining those characters. But since the medicines he takes worsens his relationship with his wife and also with Mathematics he tells his wife that he will apply his mind when he sees those characters and she supports him. In the end Nash lives his life , he still sees those characters who talk to him and taunts him but he manages to live with it and also manages to become a most respected Professor who also finally awarded Nobel prize for game theory. That is how the movie ends.

Now the fine moments of the movie which I just adored are lots but to tell about quite a few..

There is one scene about how you value people and value the things that they give. In one scene Nash takes Alicia to a art gallery during their courtship and Alicia just keeps a kerchief on his pocket. And Nash was busy seeing people talking to them while Alicia was watching a painting and she explains Nash that she loves colours. It looked as if Nash was self absorbed becoz he doesnt reply anything to Alicia but on her birthday he gifts her with a crystal and he tells her this crystal will reflect all the colors. It was just a nice moment and when Alicia replies him with a surprise that she never realized Nash was listening.. and also he always keeps the kerchief with him.When Alicia tells him that she gave him the kerchief since she thinks that it would bring luck, he replies that he doesnt belive in luck but he values it because it was given to him by her. He values people and things.That was really touching. And throughout when he has to suffer, it impacts Alicia also but she never gives up on him. She continues to live with him and support him. And in the last scene when all his fellow professors come and honour him by putting their pen down , it was like wow, it just brought tears in eyes.

Overall it might look like some slow movie but its a nice , good and wonderful movie.

Actually one of the important life of lesson about not giving up on our loved ones is what I liked about the movie.At times we avoid our loved ones when they need us the most because we are afraid of seeing them in pain.We feel that we cant take it and we dont have energy to see them suffer and so we avoid them or avoid being in that situation.

Actually if our loved ones suffer in pain then its more painful to just watch them suffer the pain and feel helpless.I had felt it when my grand dad was not well and I was afraid to be with him. I was really scared and felt helpless.Sameway when my grand ma was not well I wanted to be with her but unfortunately before I could reach she left me.

When I was in college as part of NSS we had to go to Royapettah Govt hospital and do service for the patients. I had seen one young guy who was in AIDs ward. It was only then the awareness of AIDS was among people but still many were not clear. There was a misconception that if you even be anywhere near the patient you will fall sick. So we had to get special permission letter from our parents to go to the ward and do counselling. I had forged a letter as if signed by my father and had gone there for atleast 3 weeks. It was really really sad to see that young guy dying out of AIDS for no fault of his He had met with accident and blood transfusion had caused it to him. And the moment they realized he was having AIDs his own parents had left him there. He was like one orphan. He used to talk to me in a different tamil. The first day I was with him.he was really arrogant. Later he was okay to talk to me. We kind of became even like good buddies. His name was senthilnathan. But it was just for 3 weeks after which I could not go there and also he was transferred to different hospital and unfortunately I dont know what had happened to him. But when I was there, it felt sad because when he was sick all he needed was his parents and those loved ones around him. He had a good sense of humour and was able to even laugh with me. But I could sense the sadness in his eyes. It would trouble your heart in a very different way. It was like after I spend an hour and come out of hospital , the whole day used to be very depressing. Where I am fighting with my sis for small petty things and worrying about my exam marks and where a guy who is younger to me has to face death alone!!! Even to write it sends a shiver inside.

Now coming back to the movie..well..It is really worth watching and worth the oscars it has won especially Russel Crowe for his wonderful expressions. He has lived the character of Nash.

In the end,May be you need not only beautiful mind but also lots of tolerance.May be instead of asking Why me God? should we pray Give me the courage Lord!!!

Life is filled with moments and certain things cannot be changed. So the best way is to atleast act happy and may be you would really be happy. Its all in the attitude to make those moments into precious moments.

Love All. Serve All.

To My Dearest Ammamma

2010-05-30T01:56:00.001-07:00

She walks in Beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
If I just close my eyes all I see is her. She walking in front of hindi prachar sabha.She hugging me and the feeling of being safe when she hugs me.
Time really flies fast. Its been a month since she left us and it still feels as if its only yesterday I saw her.The last time I saw her alive is in November last year. I stayed in chennai only for a day and somehow on that day we managed to bring a cake and did cake cutting for her birthday. Though belated still it was nice since I could be with her and celebrate with her. It felt great when Anannya and she both were sitting in the swing. She was looking tired but still acitve by taking pictures even on that day. Did I ever realize that, thats the last time I am going to see her.She kept telling me even then that I should buy a house for my parents. That seemed to be her only worry.Ammamma..The very brave yet very kind. I was very tired and I wanted to sleep. But if I close my eyes all I see is her.I wish I could just go back in time and get a chance to spend all those moments with her one more time.Missing her. Missing her a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Ammamma and Amma

2010-05-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

My mother is wonderful woman to be remembered for ever till world exist. she is like a woman Gandhi. Gandhi struggled for freedom of india but my mother struggled lot for the welfare of her children. Gandhi walked all over india for sake of indian people and my mother walked all over the madras to take tution for the sake of her chldren.
she led a very simple life like Gandhi. she wanted her children to live in own house because she suffered a lot in rented house shifting here and there so she has shed her blood to earn money by way of taking tution . she has never requested for help from others even in critical financial position. She is used to take care of everything by her own.she is master of all arts. while learning one art she was capable to teach the same arts to other and earn money. she is woman in gender only but she is very brave even when compared to man. she construted a house at neelangarai at the age of 65 without anybodys.she never spent any money for the sake of her comfort also even she did not expect any money even to spend for her own healh from others. she led the family with out debt.
she worked for her family as father and mother in all occasion. At age of 83 she knitted swetter for her grand daughter's daughter .she never wasted single minute without doing anywork till her last minute. I have written all about her but very difficult to follow her path even in my dream. At end of her hour she chanted god's nama. I am very proud to say G.R Malathi is my mother though she is not with me now her memories will always be with me forever.

by g.r. seethalakshmi.

Ammamma and VG Aunty

2010-05-24T16:55:00.001-07:00

viji aunty, ammamma's last daugther in law and also her favorite dil. We are blessed that we could also be in the marriage of raja uncle and Viji aunty. The shopping we had done for the wedding and the time we spent in the marriage as kids were just too good.
This is a writing from Viji Aunty.
I miss my mother-in-law so much. She was my best friend. She never bothered her daughters-in laws with rules and regulations. She was always simple. She was also very strong and brave. I remember when she came to New York for the second time, She came home by her self. Raja was waiting at J.F.K. but the plane landed in New Jersey airport. So, she talked to some kannada people, and they said they are going to Queens. She shared a taxi with them and came home by herself. If any other seniors were in that position, they would be worried so much. I still remember her jokes. We both used to laugh so much. She never gossiped.On the 10th day early morning at 4am, I felt that she came to bless us. I felt her smell and presence in my bedroom. She also came 2 times in my dreams. I am very happy my kids got some time to spend with their grandma. They love her so much and now they miss her so much. She helped me a lot of times too. But I didn't get a chance to return them back. But she was still a very satisfied person. Whatever I cook she enjoyed. One time I showed my poems to her she liked it and said it was very good. I also used to complain I was a short girl. She used to say no you are not, You are the perfect height, which made me feel better. She was the sweetest person I have ever met. We never are going to replace her emptiness. We were not blessed to be with her in her last days, but I am glad Raja spent some time with her and took some videos. Those videos are precious to us. Sahithya and Kavya wrote a letter to her, and in the video after she read it she kissed that letter. Oh! God so sweet...........Now in my gods place we are having her photo with a light. Really, I don't like it like that.....I can't believe it......and I can't write any ......more............I am crying... I am praying her to give me her braveness and strength.Viji

Ammamma and VG Aunty

2010-05-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

Art of Giving

2010-05-24T08:33:00.001-07:00

Please do not search anything in this related to the title. Something I learnt not today..but just felt like writing about it today.At times we do somethings for someone without any expectations..and with just love..unconditional love...There is one thing that if it is not reciprocated may be its hurting..but if its not given any value or if they really dont appreciate us doing things for them and if it doesnt add any value or doesnt make them feel happy..then there is no point of doing it. The effort in breaking our heads in finding a gift and seeing something and get excited thinking that when we give it to them and when they open and see it..they are going to love it and then give them to realize.that they react to it with..oh okay..please keep it there..it just hurts..hurts a lot...Well so..what to do?
Actually I like if someone surprises me with a gift which very very rarely has happened and also had happened quite long long ago...and in the same way I love to surprise others also with gifts or with things which I assume they would like.Anyways..I dont think I am going to change.Today is just another day of being so foolish.
In the end whether it is some fruits that you got or some keep sakes whatever be it..it lies there untouched..laughing at you..or rather cursing you saying why did you buy me at all?
Now my thoughts again goes to ammamma. My ammamma..also used to buy some things for me..as gift..she has got me some pearl chains..I am not a person fond of jewellery. Rather I would like to go to street shopping and buy lots of earrings and bangles from the road side shops rather than go and buy in gold or diamonds or pearls. But my ammamma loves to buy in pearls or stones that are of some astrological benefits. Suddenly she started showing passion towards it and used to gift me such things for my brithdays which I hardly appreciated. Ofcourse I would not tell her that I didnt like it because I dont want to hurt her..so I will wear it on my birthday and remove it. Later whenever she comes to our house I used to wear it just to please her. Now I dont have even a single one which she gifted and it makes me really feel sad. So I dont have right to complain on anyone as I myself havent kept it safe.
Well whatever in the end what I wanted to tell is I wanted to write something positive about the art of giving which I would in my next message..Till then..Love All Serve all :)

Ammamma and Ranjani

2010-05-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

This writing is by Ranjani...Ammammas most beloved grand daughter..
Ammamma always used to be very proud of Ranjani..She used to tell me that..Ranjani..has the blessings of lord saraswathi.be it studies or be it her musical talents..she is blessed..and Ranjani..I remember her and my own sister both wearing a blue colour frock stitched by Ammamma..and used to almost keep fighting with each other for toys and games and what not...
This is a writing by Ranjani..and Wish Ammamma could raed it..As I start reading it...tears are rolling down and fresh memoreis are revovling in my mind..

Ranjani writes ....

It was Thursday (20.05.10) around 4 am when i got this dream. There was some Pooja going on at Ammamma's Home.. and we all had gathered there. The acharya was chanting mantras. All the ladies (My Mom, Doddamma(Rama) and Periamma (ruckmani)) were busy arranging things.. there was a wave of sadness around cuz the familiar face, neatly dressed, holding the camera n clickin away lotsa pictures was missing.. i was searchin for ammamma every now and den.. but couldn't find her there at all.. atlast, the function got over.. and every1 were goin towards the pooja room (near the corner of the hall). Once every1 was done, suddenly ammamma appeared, dunno from where.. She was so real, and there was dis brilliant brightness wen i looked at her.. Like a god.. .. N she was draped in the Purple saree.. Do u remember anitha??? .. every1 went upto her and got her blessings. It was as if, she came there oly to bless all of us.. Everybody around were sad and crying, 'She said 'Don't worry. I din go anywhere. I am here only'. and that's it. There was an abrupt pause. I suddenly felt a lil awake.. I din want to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to go on.. I wanted to feel her presence.. I wanted to hear her voice again.. I was scared to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to be real.. but then it was not.. I suddenly woke up shuddering and scared.. there were goosebumps all over.. I had met her a week back (apr 17th) .. She was very weak and was lying on bed... As soon as she saw me, she smiled at me and asked me to sit near her. She took my hands and kissed it (She always does tat wen i meet her) and She was holding my hands tight.. She neva wanted me to leave...Next week, my dad called and told me that she s getting better.. Was a lil relieved. I was waiting for tat weekend to com so tat i could meet her on sat.. but neva could i meet.. :(( I miss her so much.. I wish i could meet her for 1 last time n talk to her and be with her.. i still remember the days me n suji used to go to her home, play cards with her.. esp trump.. Me n suji used to be partners n used to cheat ammamma.. She'll find it out and v all ll laugh our hearts out.. Miss dos days, wen i used to take tuitions along with her.. I used to keep dictations and teach few lessons to her students... Miss those days, (wen i was waiting for my call from TCS and totally jobless), every afternoon i used to go there and have lunch.. She'd neva lemme starve.. she'd serve food for me with loads love and affection.. She'll make nice dosas for me in the evening... Miss those Evenings wen v used to go upstairs, water the plants, take pictures if they had flowers in them, enjoy the sunset scenery.. Play carroms with Madhumita who stays next door. Whenever she was alone, i used to go her place n sleep over... Miss those nights which was filled with her bed time stories.. Shees a gr8 narrator.. Love the way she narrates.. and above all, I miss her JOKES and RIDDLES... not oly me, evey1 is a gr8 fan of her jokes and riddles and ofcourse her photography...She'd never stay idle even for a while.. At the age of late 70s, she used to go to Hindi Prachar Sabha to get books for her students.. N i used to accompany her in auto.. There wen she goes, I was shocked to c every1 coming to her, talk to her and n get her blessings.. Every1 has so much of respect towards her.. This shows how she has led her life... She has lead a Complete life. .Shees a legend... and above all a ROLE MODEL to all of us.. Every evening wen she gets bored, she used to come to my home.. and she me, my mom and dad used to play cards and carroms together.. And after v r done, I used to take her on my Scooty Pep and drop her back.. I miss those evenings so much.. Everytime I go to that home, there is no one to ask me 'How I am', there is no1 to take my hands and kiss me.. The very thought of it aches my heart and mind so much... n above all, she wanted to c me getting married.. This was one of her wish wch i couldn't fulfill... Dear Ammamma, m really really sorry for tat.. but i know that u r here, watching all of us and blessing us all... Miss u ammamma.. I love u so much.... Ranjani...

We Love Ammamma..

2010-05-19T09:33:00.001-07:00

Thinking Of You - Ammamma

2010-05-19T08:43:00.001-07:00

Thinking of You - Ammamma
Meetings and Partings are the happenings of the world. My friend once told this to me.But at times certain people we meet touch our lives in such a way that without them, we are no longer the same. Life seems so incomplete without them.My ammamma is one such kind. She is a very independent lady and I have never seen her being dependent on anyone for anything. She is very brave and a strong willed person.Like I said, I fear staying alone, as anytime am alone..my thoughts end up thinking about ammamamma...and it feels as if she is alive..and when I think of the reality of what happened its like honey bee stinging feeling...becoz am guilty.
Today I was in train...and thinking about her...When I saw a old couple. The old lady came to me and asked me how I am and if I recognize her. I really couldnt recognize her. The next thing she asked is how is your ammammma..I was surprised and shocked and I was wondering who it was when she said she is from Desur, the village where I worked in Bank and to me she had just been one of the customers to whom I help but somehow she remembers me. She said that she had come to close her TD account to bank and I helped her a lot patiently. And she has seen me and ammamma in temple regularly. It felt good seeing her but after she left I couldnt stop thinking about the carefree days in Desur with ammamma..
I remember walking home for lunching..thinking what she would have cooked for me..I am thinking about the way we gossip and eat lunch and laugh ...She asking me to keep some good god songs...while I keeping some movie songs playing it loudly...And exactly the same time I keep the song...the loudspeaker in the village will start playing some other songs in the near by tea shop...how many moments..our temple visit...shoppings...and me playing cricket with the school boys..the kids coming for tution...the latenight movies...she sleeping in between and suddenly waking up and asking me...what happened..wow those moments..I really miss her a lot and am feeling very very very lonely..
It didnt feel like having dinner alone..without anyone near to whom I can say atleast few words about her..Even the maid had already finished her dinner.But yeah..thoughts of ammamma..was still there in heart..I wish I could talk to her. I wish whatever I write..she could read it or hear it from my thoughts..
I miss you ammmamma..I never ever could be strong like you...Wish I were and Wish I could..At times it feels really really lonely without you..With whom should I share those fears..those lonely moments..To whom I can tell that am feeling sad, am feeling helpless and who is going to make me smile with all those caring words..
The time we spent in Desur in the hut and then it the terrace..talking about stars..playing songs and listening to it...That was the time we actually were behaing like friends ammamma..I want to tell you so many things ammamma.I am feeling very lonely right now..I am feeling so stressed..I feel as if God is playing games with me...Letting me down when I need him the most...and ammmamma...wish I could see you..now for just one time.
Missing you.

Dreaming in Dream

2010-05-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

Ammamma, I had a strange dream. In which also I was sleeping and dreaming. It was your house..You were there talking to me and Anu, telling us about your tution visits and then asking us to sleep. It was like so real. I could clearly see you feel you and listen your voice. And then I wake up realizing it was just a dream and there were tears in eyes. And In reality also I woke up.

I was so confused thinking if its just a dream or a dream in a dream or whatever..Because I had taken medicine I was all the more drowsy but I did remember your face and your expressions when you were talking. Today I saw pics of yours again. Writing to you feels as if you are alive there waiting to read them. You know there was a story sixth sense, in which the doctor who was a psychiatrist comes as a spirit and helps a boy. Will you not do that to me ammamma.

Can I have a hope of seeing you..atleast in my dreams. Now a days I want to keep sleeping so I could keep seeing you even if it is only a dream. Ammamma, do you hear me. Can you understand any of it.

I am alone,

With loneliness awaiting for me.

I am at loss

I am with grief

I wanted to share it with someone

Needed a shoulder to lean upon..

There was my mom..

Already depressed.

I managed to put a smile

To give her the courage she needed.

I went to my friend,

To share my pain..

She was there with all smiles

to show her just born to me

And I came back with another fake smile..

I went to my loved one

To share this fear...

He was busy with his exam fear..

And I turned back yet another smile...

To those I spoke

They dont understand..

To whom I wanted to speak

Were too busy to listen..

And then when I turned back..

I saw the loneliness..

waiting for me

giving its shoulder to lean on....

It feels so lonely ammamma without you..

What difference it makes ammamma...

Finally its after all just a blog and you wont even know about it..

But yet

We miss you ammamma...miss you a lot.

Missing YOu Ammamma..

2010-05-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ammamma, How come time flies so fast..Its already a week since you left me..left us...

Life seems to have come back to a normal phase...Wake up , get ready, get Anannya ready...go to work..work...take tea break..take lunch break..smile with friends..come home...etc..etc...

But still...always there is a pain inside..Am guilty and I can never come out of it...I had a choice of coming and seeing you..of coming and taking you to hospital..which I never did...Now any amount of tears or ache will not bring back the moment..It just seems like only hours since I spoke to you..Your voice..keep ringing in my ears...When am writing this..I am already blind with tears..Will you ever be reading this..Did you read the letter I sent with amma...

You know ammamma..am not able to sit alone..even for a minute without feeling the pain of missing you..So am always being with people..Even at work, if I have to sit alone and work am not able to do that..am calling people or simply joining conference call..When I wake up the first thing in morning am missing you..I am thinking of the days we spent in Desur...

Then my routine starts..but every 10 minutes there is a thought of you..you sittng with me and teaching me how to do knitting...You taking hindi tutions..we both correcting hindi papers..

You doing the gardening....You teaching me to cook..You who taugh me how to play chess..

The you who when I got tired and couldnt complete the kniting took it and completed...You who taught me to do embroidery..The You who taught me to do painting..You...with whom I walked miles in chennai..in kotturpuram..nandanam...and where not..It just seems likeyeserda..when I came with you in my ninth month of pregnancy to send you in auto...

You holding my hands when I was in labour pain.

You holding Anannya and blessing her..

You who gave me the moral support whenever I needed it..

You who always show meyour poems and drawings and jokes...

I am not able to share this with anyone ammamma.

In the end I couldnt do anythng for you..when I could have done it.

Will I ever forgive myself.\

I miss you..miss you a lot...and I am feeling very guilty..

Its becoz of my carelessness..

Miss you Ammamma.

Ammamma...We miss you.

2010-05-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

My grand mother passed away...

Is there any word which could actually describe the pain I feel in losing her...I am lost for words..and I have lost her..

Death...I was acqainted with death only through the news paper and movies and news..It was just like as if part of life..Never had experienced it so close..What if my grand ma is 85 years old..who said it means that she has lived her life...she still had some dreams unfulfilled..I still cant believe that I will not be able to see her anymore..

My grandma...who has been supprotive of me from the time I could remember..Till the time I got married and settled..till then almost there has not been a week where I wouldnt have seen her...I am really at loss of words..what to write and what not to write...

why is it that suddenly the world seems so selfish..why is it at times we do not recognize our priorities and give values to those that doesnt matter...

How will I let her know that she meant a lot to me..and how is it going to help her in anyway..if I say it now..I couldnt find time to talk to her the last 2 weeks because of I was busy..busy at work...but in the end one soul who has needed me..to whom I could have brought some hope..has lost her life...and am here..sitting and writing about it..

Most of the time in our lives..the people whom we take for granted are the only people who had cared for us a lot and love us a lot..Because we knwo that they are going to love us anyway..we take them for granted and run behind those who either ignore us or who doesnt know the value of relationships.

I was watching ammamma...seeing her inside the glass pane..it was like..as if snowhite was lying down..I was so desperately looking at her..what if she suddenly winks her eyes.

or what if she moves or what if she shakes her legs..or what if she feels cold and what if she is still alive and dies becoz of breathlessness

so many thoughts..but she never moved..it felt as if she is lying down in peace...

Next day when I felt her..when I touched her hands....when I felt her face...it all felt so strange..

The rituals that followed..oh no.i dont even want to write about them......am not able to forget them..

Memories...memories are pleasant only when there is hope...Hope of meeting those whom we love..as long as it is there they are pleasant..the moment the hope ceases and when there is no hope..how could memories be pleasant ..They seem like burden to carry in heart..

If I close my eyes..I could see ammamma..walking towards me..the time I spent with her...arguing about things...taking her in auto...listening to her songs..stories..jokes and poems....How many stories she shared with me...some of them which seemed so intimate to her...she could share with me like a friend....and I was able to talk to her like a friend..There was no generation gap and nothing...And in the end when she needed me the most..I wasnt there with her...

And she has always been a role model..always taught me so many values in life..she has been there with me in Desure..where I was afraid she gave me the courage to go and face the work culture in bank ..whenever I felt lonely..becoz some friends hurted me or someone ignored me..she was there...to listen to me..and has told me that she has lived her life alone..facing everyone alone..and she gave me company..and now...am alone...and her death also has taught me something...

it feels now..as if people around us are selfish..including me...I dont knwo about others..btu I had been selfish..thinking about my famiily..my daughter my husband..my friends..my work...

and I didnt have time to think about a old lady who had given me support..And now on her death..when I needed someone who could hold me or who could understand me..I too had none....becoz everyone are busy...We are all busy..always..that we dont find time to let our dear ones know that WE CARE for them..we postpone it for tomorrow..we keep postponing it for tomorrow that we forget that some day we are also going to become old...and the tomorrow is never going to come..

I postponed seeing ammamma..in the end one day..one tomorrow made all the difference...The only good thing that happenned is I had called her up...I had called up my mom...and said I felt like talking to her..but she was sleeping..

And when she woke up she called me..the last 10 minutes..the last few words I spoke..it feels as if she knows..she is leaving..it was like farewell...she just said my dearest anitha...how is anannya..how is pavan..I love you..bless you and i am going to die..you please come..and what not...I cant write anymore..all I am left with is tears which are blocking my vision..

Ammamma..I miss you..we all miss you..I dont know if I ever will come out of the guilt of not seeing you..not taking you to hospital...I dont know if you would ever forgive me and if I ever have the right to ask forgiveness...

Ammamma...WE ALL LOVE YOU...and we are blessed that we were part of your life...

Miss you ammamma.. A LOT....miss you..

Wish you had waited just one more day ammamma....

Few Seconds with Stars

2010-02-12T19:09:00.001-08:00

How immensely nice it is to lie down in the terrace and watch the stars and imagining shapes of the clouds. The last time I got such a chance was really long back when we were in Mambalam during my pregnancy chatting with my parents about useless stuff and actually lost in watching the stars. It was so peaceful.
Two days back I took my daughter to play area. We were just playing in the slide for long time and then I took her to gym. She wants to play in a place where you have to lie down and do some exercise. I also went with her. We both did lie down and then I was amazed to see so many stars. It was really a nice moment. And I was showing her the clouds forming shapes.

I dont know what she understood but the best thing is she was quietly lying down with me watching the stars.

Why is it that our mind always think about something.I kind of went into totally another world.
For a moment I forgot that am in a gym..in a play area..
It was like some nostalgic moments. I was humming some ilayaraja song and for a minute I was thinking of my school and then to college and it was all those happy moments of my life i had replayed. I came back into reality when my daughter said mummy! see dog :)

Its then i came back but still I didnt stop telling her about the stars.
In my cousins house mostly we sleep in the terrace chatting for long time and then sleep off tired.

EVerytime I am there I used to tell him, see the stars..but can you see one brightest star..which is brighter than all of the others..He would say yes...and then I would say...note it down That is me...I will be like that in my life...Always shining Always happy Always smiling and I would make all my dreams come true. And he would say good and I will always pray that your dream come true.
Next night again I would start the same story and he would still be patient and listen :)

I dont know if all my dreams have come true...But yes I would want to be the brightest star..

forever happy forever smiling and I wish the same for my daughter and for all those whom I love :) (Selfish!!!).

Hey..wait..can you see the brightest star there....:)

Celebrating Love

2010-02-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

Its valentines Week...

Time to celebrate Love...

It was in college first year, that I first learnt about valentines day. I used to catch the 12B bus in the morning. And almsot 2 weeks before february 14th I started hearing this valentines day story. What to buy , what to say and how to say how not to tell..all those stories. I was in a womens college. And in the bus I had friends who would all wanted to propose cute girls in my college. Atleast around 5 to 6 guys started talking to me just a week before valentines day being too much helpful in the crowded bus so that I could help pass their letters :).

So well that is how I learnt about valentines day and we friends decided that wow!!!! Valentines day is not just to celebrate between couple...its about love so we should make all those whom we love to feel special. So from then every valentines day we used to buy gifts cute cards and girly stuff not only to friends but also to my parents , sister and grand parents..all those whom I loved..and ofcourse to me too :)

Well, I like all those stuff...the precious thotz...the connexions cards....senti words..stationaries..absolutely not useful stuff are there in my top priority list and well no one anyway is going to buy for me..so I have to pamper myself too....So valentines day was and is special.

Most of my friends including my dear hubby dont believe in celebrating these days...They feel its artificial not in our culture...and every day is special..Ofcourse every day is special..but every day we dont celebrate ..I would love to make each and every day special and when there is a special day coming in..why not celebrate. Ofcourse we love our parents and life partner and friends every day..but everyday do we take time to let them know that we love them..Every day do we take time to stop and think and appreciate all that our loved ones are doing for us...Everyday are we going to surprise them with some silly stuff they like..There are nice moments....everyday in our life..but still by having these days..we just make it more nicer...so whats wrong?

How nice it is to spend time on thinking about what gift to buy to our loved ones...and how to make it a surprise..and then wow..watching that smile when they open it..is priceless..worth a million...

In this busy world where is the time to give surprise to everyone everyday..where is the time to even sit and talk to our parents or long lost friends..so when these days come why to miss it..

So wishing you all a very happy valentines week...Its time to celebrate love...If we are loved by someone we are blessed..especialy if someone loves us unconditionally...for what we are..then we are truly blessed...

So Love All Serve All.

Tell all your loved ones that you love them..and surprise them with your presence.

Happy Valentines Day.

My lost Possession

2010-01-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

What is life without some sentiments. Well I know at times it sounds so weird and stupid, but somehow I just couldnt change.
I have lots and lots of small sentiments..harmless to anyone..and the happiness you get out of it is wow priceless.

Be it the exam or be it a interview, be it a special day in the calendar, or be it a day you
want to make special, be it a card given by your best friend or be it even a choclate paper..everything mattered. I had bags and bags of such cards and papers and even gift wrappers. After marriage when we shifted I lost them all. Even now I keep them...
Meeting people close to heart on some important days in another sentiment..:)
Like friendship day or new year or your birthday I believe that if you happen to meet those on those days then the whole of year you will be together.
Anyways this is not about my favorite sentiments...Because right now am feeling sad about something I had lost.

Somehow in our home my parents are not used to give surprise gifts to me and my sis. After I started going to college and started earning part time, I started that culture. Giving surprise gifts to my mom, dad and sis. And on my birthdays I just love to surprise them with gifts. Wow the smile you get to see is just priceless and the happiness you get when you see that smile is...just wow!!! So I am not used to getting gifts from my parents. And the first time I got a gift from them is on my marriage. Actually in our custom, after marriage as a gift parents will gift their daughter a steel cupboard with a locker. It is supposed to bring wealth and you should keep it always.

After the expenses of my marriage I know how difficult it is for them to buy it and since my birthday was immediately after marriage my mom had brought it and gifted it.
Well, by that time steel cupboard with a mirror was out of fashion but who cares..what mattered was the love behind it. When I used to stand in front of the mirror in the cupboard, It used to be like the Harry potters mirror in room of requirement...;)

After some days we moved to Banglore and I did make sure it was safely delivered to Banglore without a crack. Then we moved to Hyderabad and I took it there also. Finally we shited to Singapore, I couldnt bring it there but left it in hyderabad. The cupboard was filled with all my silk sarees i had got in my wedding, my photo albums and all the me stuff. Every time I go to India, that became my storage space.

And then last year when we were thinking of renovating the house, the topic that came is to sell all old stuffs and buy new ones. The first target was my steel cupboard...oops..I literally cried..and told a BIG NO..Everyone said Grow up..it looks so out of place..well the same thing was said about one of the thali am wearing it was bit too big and now a days no one wears it..But who cares..it was given by my mom. And the same applied to the cupboard. So I told a big no to my dearest hubby and my in laws.
Couple of times we had a discussion where I would finally finish it with NO. May be it is stupid sentiment..but somehow I wanted to keep it forever and ever as a keepsake.

Finally last decemeber when I went to India for vacation oops the steel cupboard was not there..I thought since we dont have much space may be they kept in a store room. so I didnt ask anyone about it because I dont wanted to be upset when we have lots of function. Finally I asked my mom in law that I have to take some wedding sarees and where is the steel cupboard...and she told that is all not there..some of the sarees from it she had kept it other wooden cupboard..

Oops..I had lost it..My prized possession what my mom gave along with it there were other cards and gifts and stuff which was inside it..which would look as a garbage for anyone other than me...Am not able to continue writing as already tears are blocking my eyes..
I would may be ask my mom to gift me another one..

Is it worth having such sentiments?

Vacation in Chennai

2010-01-10T02:17:00.000-08:00

This time our vacation was too hectic. We had lots to do and I shouldnt even be calling it a vacation. We had 2 weeks leave and in that we had planned our grahapravesam, our daughters ear piercing and our in laws sashtipoorthy (60th wedding).

And since everything is to be done in hyderabad, I was able to stay in chennai only for one day.Am going to chennai after 2 years and get only one day there so I had planned so many things to do in one day.

I had to meet my college friends, school friends, Had to plan a surprise birthday party for my 85 years old granny who is the most active person I had ever met, Had to spend some me time with her, Have to spend as much time possible gossipping with my sis and also with my nephew, have to go to my two favorite temples which always had been part of me till the time I was in chennai, any sorrow or any joy, whether its exam or interview , whether its happy moment or heart broken I would always get
peace of mind there after pouring out my emotions to the divine power, then I have to roam around in pondy bazar and ranganathan street to do road side shopping, have to eat in Murugans Idly shop, and should drink coffee in the road side restaurant balaji bavan where I used to go almost daily in my college days and finallllllllllllyyyy must not miss the Marina beach.

Marina beach - wow if I think of it only i feel excited...just to stand in the water, watching the waves and the moon and stars and what not..its a bliss and I have been there everytime when I had felt lonely or sad and everytime I had to make a decision its Marina....

So with all this TO DO list, I started from Singapore.

What a timing!!!! Our flight got delayed. I think I shouldnt even say delayed it was rescheduled. Instead of starting at 11:0 pm it started only the next day 6:00 am. I really couldnt tolerate the injustice..Between 6:00 am to 8:00 am is when I had planned the temple visits now they are out of question. And then I called up my sis and told her to come to airport with her 8 months baby so I dont miss a second being with them.

Finally we reached Chennai. Wow the feeling you get breathing even the polluted air, is great. Thats what you call the home town :) After reaching home, since I had already missed my moms breakfast, had to settle for mom cooked lunch and filter coffee. When we reached home, by then my daughter was already tired and was cranky and hungry. I couldnt attend any of my friends call because she was almost crying. Finally after making her eat and put her to sleep when I saw the time, It was 3:00. Oh my god..I havent even opened the TO DO list.

Then I called up all my cousins to arrange for the birthday party for my granny. Thankfully it was saturday they were all around and they really helped in that. Then we went to do shopping in pondy bazar. Couldnt do much shopping there becoz of lack of time. But I did go to balaji bavan and had my favorite coffee though. Wow thats one thing done.

We were back around 4:30 pm and then one of my school friends had come and I was spending some time with her By then most of my relatives had come home and so we couldnt go out anywhere. Around 7:00 we managed to decorate and arranged the cake cutting for my granny. It was the best thing, and she was really surprised. Then we planned to go to Marina, but my grandma cant come and she wanted to spend some time with me. So we cancelled the marina.

So thats it. We were back around 11:00 pm put my daughter to sleep and started repacking and then finally spent some time with my parents. Then we started next day to Hyderabad around 6:30 pm. So thats the end of the day in chennai.
This new year, am hoping that we will plan and spend some quality time in Chennai. Hey thats going to be there in my diary for this year TO DO items :)
Time Flies ....

If - Rudyard Kipling

2010-01-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

I started to write and started some four topics and left them all incomplete. When I start to write, I never used to get stuck but oops..what hap..
So I wanted to post my favorite poem
Happy New Year to everyone.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

My World

2009-10-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

In My small world,
I waited for a friend
To share, who cares,
To whom I mattered,
And with whom I can laugh..
To be Myself..
To be a friend..
Some came..and Some went..
Everyone were like passer by...

So I made my world of friends
Who were there forever with me..
Rain,
Beach,
Books,
Music,
Poetry,
Clouds,
Trees,
Buds and Flowers...
Became my friends..in my small world..
And then..
You came...
Where Rain poured happiness..Your words
Brought ecstasy...
Where waves swept me away..Your presence did the same..
Where Books shared knowledge...You shared the same with me..
Where Music gave bliss, your songs and singing did the same.
Where Poetry gave a lift to heart, your eyes and the love in it gave it to me...
Where clouds gave me a wonder to watch..I still wonder at your marvel..
Where Trees gave shade to me...the warmth and shade to share with you everything..gave to me..
Where flowers brought fragrance...you...just you filled my life with it...
And then now my small world..has just you..
for you became my world.

Navarathiri celebrations

2009-10-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

Navarathiri!!! A festival which always brings lots and lots of excitment because it is the only festival which we celebrate for almost ten days. This time for the first time in I managed to keep nine steps. And especially I made our daughter who is only 2 years old also to pariticpate in the keeping and arranging of dolls. Later it was nine tough days to make sure that she doesnt touch those dolls or touch the lamps lighted.

I think the next generation would eventually lose interest in all of these festivals and also even now, may be the excitment we had and the thrill of these festivals are slowly dying. So many reasons may be, before for example, festival would bring the thrill of meeting relatives, friends and getting new dressess and then making variety of dishes to eat and all that. But now its a different story. We really do not wait for a festival to buy dress. Its all whenever I feel like buying I buy kind. And in this busy world who has time to keep golu or call friends and all that.

Now that reminds me the time I was young the navarathiri excitement will start the moment we start removing the dolls. We lived in a 2 room house, me my sis, parents and grand parents. And my grandma and pa were very orthodox. EVery year during navarathiri we will buy a doll definitely and breaking a doll is considered a bad sign , so you can imagine how many dolls we had, all traditional ones and big and old idols of almost all Gods. The fun would start when my grand pa and dad try and bring the big wooden box having the idols. Then since all these idols would be wrapped in clothes me and my sis will have a guessing game of which idol was it and seeing some of the idols would even bring some fresh memories.

After that in that small room, we would try and keep 3 steps and fight and argue for where to keep which doll. While me and my sis are busy in this, my mom and granny would be making mouth watering dishes. Since my grand ma was there, she would make some prasadam almost every day for the nine days. That is one thing that changed after she passed away.later though we keep my mom would call friends only in the weekend. Then we make park and a mountain. We used to put corriander and mustard seeds there and me and my sis would really wait hours in front of the hill to see when the first leaf come out of the seed. But never we have succeeded in the attempt.

Then, everyday evening we would dress up traditionally and mostly I would dress up my sis as krishna or Radha then we would go to all neighbours house, and most of them would have kept golu. They would ask us to sing, we will sing take the prasadam and then invite them to our house. Wow it will be a great 9 days. And once it is over,there will be a sadness when we pack and keep the dolls back as if it were a farewell.

Navarathiri is one festival, when me and my sis would also get a new dress. Mostly it would be the traditional dress of full skirt and blouse and then lots of papads to eat :) and lots and lots of sweets and snacks. But once my grandma passed way, time changed my mom was working so she never had time to make them at home she would buy from shop and then it was not like daily having people visit us. It would be only in the weekend we would also go to others house to visit for navarathiri ad to invite them also to our house. Slowly its kidn of became mechanical. But atleast still there was a nice time to have time to get in touch with relatives and friends in the name of festival and then in the end its all about sharing and caring.

so now this time, I finally managed to keep 9 steps and did the pooja i know of. I hope my daughter likes it and understands the importance of our culture and the variosu festivals we have.

So wishing all of you a belated navarathiri wishes and advance diwali wishes.

Lonely Nites...

2009-09-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

Sitting Beside the window
I was looking at the moon.
Without the stars around
Even the moon looked gloomy.

I was searching for words
Which could heal the heart.
When I heard the words,
Which actually broke it apart.

I did smile, I looked happy,
Though it ached for there is pain.
I did talk, I even sang,
For all these aches let it just be mine.

Every cloud has silver lining,
And the end of tunnel there is a light.
All I need to do is stop whining
coz when i think of you it brightens even my night.

Time would change, People will change,
When there is love, there is hope.
And when I see you, you are my sun,
All my fears melt away and elope :)

Well i see a star there..
Just beside the moon.
Lonely nites just passed away
Ur friendship is a boon.

Mother Teresa.

2009-09-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

Today is september 5th and it brings back memories of Mother Teresa. Agnese Gonxhe who really was a rose bud who blossommed many peoples lives. On september 5th 1997 when she became immortal, she has left Missionaries of Charities with more than 4000 sisters and over 100000 volunteers who still server the poor and give sheltor to sick and homeless people.If not everyday atleast on September 5th may be we should try and do some charity is what I decided then on 5th september 1997.

I still remember the day. I was in college and it was Friday. When we just came out from prayers is when we heard the news of Mother Teresas demise. It came as a big shock though we knew that she was not well. But that was a big loss, a real big loss to humanity. We just couldnt control our tears. She was like a role model and someone who taught to see God in all beings. Someone who taught to love fellow human beings.

A person who has made difference to innumerable lives. Well whenever I think to write about Mother..I become wordless and my thoughts just goes blank. It still brings back the pain of losing her. But at the same time it reminds that we have a duty to do apart from taking care of our own lives and our family apart from that a bit of us belong to service. Atleast to make difference in one person life whom we do not know. That is what is a true service right.

I feel sad and irritated to see people spending on event shows which doenst add any value to anybodys life. For example last week in NDTV they showed a village where everyone are starving because of failure in harvest. The kids there have only bones left and mothers are crying thinking of what to feed their kids and what to feed themselves. I was telling my husband that atleast let us send some money. So we enquired NDTV on the address and trying to get some details. Immediately after that program there was a program where people are celebrating MJ's birthday after he has died. I know MJ has made a difference in people lives because of his music and dance. But where living becomes a question mark in some lives I dont know how could we spend millions on a birthday party of a person who is no more. What differnece it makes to whom. I still am not able to understand. May be am wrong too.

Anyways..I think its very important that every individual try to bring a difference in others lives. We need not be mother Teresa but atleast we can be a human being who understand fellow human beings and atleast if not every day, atleast one day to think about others those who are less fortunate and try to bring some happiness to them.

After 97, every 5th has become a day which would make me a little sad about Mother Teresa and also reminds me that Serivce to humanity is service to God. Also today is teachers day a day which is really special because for me Right from my LKG, my class teacher was Bavani till my college Mahalakshmi mam every person has been a memorable ones because of their service of their dedicatoin and commitment and enlightening us with knowledge.

Wishing all of you a happy teachers day and also wishing everyone to know that they are special and they can make others special too .

Those Few Rain Drops

2009-09-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

A beautiful Evening....
And clouds send some rain drops
To kiss the earth.

Standing beside the window,
Am also getting wet enjoying
the sprinkles of those few drops.

And then I watch...
As the drizzle becomes rain...

Birds looking for their nests..
People looking for some shelter..
Kids looking to get drenched for some more time...
Trees looking at each other dancing...
Flowers looking down to say bye to trees...
But my heart is looking just for you.

Those few rain drops
That adds beauty to the evening..
Those few rain drops
That brings moments of happiness
Those few rain drops
Thats make my life beautiful..
With each drop sprinkling on me
Bring you in my thoughts.

So now those few rain drops are special
As each rain drop
seems like a message you send.

Wish there are forever rain drops
Wish you are forever mine.

Coffee with Anu

2009-08-29T02:26:00.000-07:00

Well. This is not like Coffee with Karan(star) or Koffee with Anu(Vijay TV). This topic is dedicated to my all time favorite drink Coffee :). As I just start thinking about it only, I could feel the aroma of coffee seeds brewing and decotion filtering.

I was not actually a coffee girl. My life started as a complan girl because I was lean, thin and puny. Infact I myself used to make fun of me saying the only weight I have gained so far is head weight. So my parents made sure that I drink complan. But did I drink. Well thats a different story. I hated milk and complan is something I hated the most. But no choice. Have to drink.Then I found a way out. Our house where I lived was a single bedroom house but outside we had a big garden with coconut trees, banana trees and even many crotons and parijatham(No idea in english) flowers..So there used to be one small banana tree which never grew. So I thought it needed the complan more than I need. So everyday after my mom gives me complan I used to take it out to drink and silently pour it to the banana tree. You wont believe actually it worked. The young small banana tree actually grew.I think complan might be a good fertilizer. Try the strawberry flavour.

Oops..Deviation. Now coming back to coffee..So every day morning when my mom puts the filter for coffee, the aroma of it, I just couldnt resist my tempation. But no..kids do not drink coffee!!! Then in my ninth standard holidays I went to my aunts house. Its in a town. Kind of a mini village. There I was the youngest and my aunt adores me a lot. So I get the full pamperings. And though my mom packed me my complan also in my luggage I convinced my aunt for a coffee. So daily I used to wake up around 5:30 with her and she will make decotion and the filter coffee. Wow!!!! And I used to take two cups one for me and one for laziest cousin and used to wake him up also and go to terrace. Just imagine...Filter coffee in hand and in terrace watching the sun rising..Its heaven in earth kind.

After that when I came back and was in 10th standard with Public exams and all that, My parents gave in for my coffee craze. And coffee especially the first coffee which my mom makes is the best.Actually after making the coffee, you should make it once the decotion is ready and warm and milk is warm with the right mix. If you warm it up later after making its gone. Just the way I used to love the best coffee, I hate the coffee which is not good even slightly. So according to me the best coffee is the coffee that too the first coffee made in the morning by my mom.

And then take the coffee sit near the window play your favorite song. If music is divine, then music plus coffee is well what would you call when its more than divine.

My grandma also makes good one but it would be too light.

After that the next good one I tasted is in a restaurant in pondy bazar. Well I have tasted coffee right from road side canteens to five star hotels in chennai. But the best I liked is in Balaji Bavan in pondy bazar in chennai.

Me and my friend Jayanthi and Priya at times almost most of the times after college used to walk till the hotel and have coffee. Every sip I enjoyed there.

Then it was coffee day. Well,all the time in balaji bavan and all the price of coffee is manageable. it was 2 ruppees. But later when I shifted to banglore working for accenture, that is when I started going to coffee day. Actually I liked the name coffee day. And also the coffee was good quite good because they grind it freshly and make but quite costly. But worth it too.

Then I had come to singapore. That is when I had learnt of the word latte!!! And then the star bucks. Wow I became a instant fan of starbucks. My mornings are always bliss just to think about star bucks. I loved to work in MT and so everyday I used to take a coffee latte and go to MT. And in weekends, where I stayed there was a library near and inside the library there was star bucks. So first I used to pick my favorite book then take my favoite latte and then go to ECP beach. I had one favorite reserved for me . A rock near the pond which no one would have noitced. At times I even enjoy being alone too.

And ya..the flavor of coffee can be 100 times better if you have best company also. Right now am missing someone too much and it really aches to miss some one. So well now, I am going to prepare a coffee for myself and play my favorite song sit near the window and enjoy my coffee with someone speical in my thoughts. So let me stop here.

Would you care for a coffee with Anu?

Life Is Beautiful

2009-08-23T04:59:00.001-07:00

Aroma of Filter coffee,
Blossoming Buds,
Chirping Birds,
Daughter's Voice calling me amma,
Enchanting divine music,
Fragrance of Fresh air,
Grassess kissed by dew drops,
Heavenly Breeze
Interesting Small Talks,
Joyful Dance,
Kindness around,
Lovable Friend,
Merriful Moments,
Nice weather,
Optimistic People,
Pleasant atmosphere,
Queer Thoughts,
Radiant You,
Surprise Rain,
Tendor thunder,
Understanding you(again),
Vivacious Spirit,
Windy Weather,
eXcellent View,
Yearning To see you(Even that!!!) And am
Zealous of You That makes my
Life Beautiful.

Happy Independence Day

2009-08-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Wishing All Of You A Very Happy Independence Day

Unless You are Me

2009-08-11T08:53:00.001-07:00

Be it a movie or Be it a song,
Be it a novel or Be it a magazine,
Be it am cooking or Be it am cleaning,
Be it am dancing or Be it am singing,
Be it am chatting or Be it am working,
Be it is related or Be it is not related,
Whatever Be it is, You are being in it...
There is nothing in which you arent there,
and Not a moment passess without you..
You could understand that if and only if
You are Me.

My Magazines..

2009-08-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

We went to Mustafa yesterday for the weekly gorcs shopping. And I went to magazine section as usual. Well Reading is my hobby

and I wouldnt miss some of my favorite magazines. So when I get a chance to go to Mustafa, I try to buy them. And to my

surprise yesterday I saw WISDOM.

WISDOM though is considered as childrens magazine, it has lot of useful stuff for elders. I used to read it when I was young.

They were golden period. I got the magazine for my daughter.

Okay now that brings back lot of memories related to my crazy reading. When I was in school, I used to read Gokulam and

wisdom. And my parents would bring that only in the summer holiday time. So it would be only for 2 months. And after that

they started a public library near my house. But unfortunately there werent much of kids magazines that time.
But still most of the time, I used to borrow the books from the library and then I started saving money to buy my favorite

magazine.

It started with Gokulam and WISDOM and then slowly to TINKLE,CSR and Womans ERA, Readers Digest, India today and so on.
So even now I spend quite a lot on buying these magazines (Poor hubby!!!)

At times when I start reading I will never be able to close it without completing it. Many times I had been inspired to write

something to these magazines..But well why scare others. And when I start reading at times, I used to hide below the bed and

read. But the best of moments will be to sit beside the window when its raining and sipping MOM made coffee. Especially it

would be more divine when I had troubled my mom enough for the coffee.

Reading especially from books gives trememendous pleasure. Be it a magazine or novel its the best company a person could

have. Whether it enlightens your mind or provoke your thoughts or just takes you to a world of imagination whatever be it,

its a very good hobby.

With internet around and laptops becoming a necessity habit of reading is slowly vanishing. Guess very soon our future

generation would be seeing books in a museum.

You might ask what difference it makes to read a book or browse the same in net or your personal laptop. Well it makes a lot

of difference. The very best thing about books well especially when you buy it new wow!!! the fragrance. When I was young for

my school text books, I always buy the second hand books from my seniors or in a place called Luz there is a big old book

shop which we can browse through and get our books. So that way I used to miss the new text book fragrance. Infact I had

longed for it. At times I even used to pray that the syllabus should change so I can get new books :)
Well I was very immatured.

Ooops. Am deviating from the topic.

Yeah the first best thing I love about books is the fragrance. The next thing is well about turning the pages and keeping a

book mark and ofcourse carrying it wherever you want even in a bus and sitting next to window seat and reading. It definitely

wont spoil my eyes. At times after long time of sitting in front of computer have made my eyes tired but never reading a big

book has made me fall tired.

I generally prefer to gift books to my friends. And going to book shop is definitely a turn on for me. Music and Reading are

like two eyes for me.

After I joined my first job and got my first salary the first thing I did is to go to Landmark...My dream shop. And I got my

favorite books my favorite poem books and a fiction book. And after that it became a regular practise. Whenever I happen to

got a new place I always make it a point to buy a book. And I have quite a big list of to read books always.
The latest one is well a book by Bipin Chandra.

So let me stop her and keep reading....:)

True Lies

2009-08-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

Right now...
I am not thinking about you,
I do not miss you,
I am not expecting any message from you.

Right now...
Your presence would make no difference,
Your call is just another call,
Your thoughts do not disturb me.

Right now...
I do not expect to see you..
I do not long to talk to you..
I am not waiting for you..

And these are what you call

TRUE LIES...

Tata Bye Bye See You

2009-08-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

When I was young, we were staying in a place which was near the railway track. Basically, from our house backyard we can sit and watch the trains. And that time me and my sister will go and stand in the backyard and keep waving bye bye to every train that pass by hoping someone will return us the bye :). But it never happened like that and the only thing that happened was we shifted our house.
Because of that disappointment, I had taken a oath that if at all I travel in train and if I see any kids waving I would respond back by waving back a tata byebye see you :)
And luckily my first job I got was in tambaram and every day I had to take a train from Mamabalam to Tambaram, It would be atleast easily thirty plus minutes journey and almost 6 to 7 stops in between. And I used run and catch the train and will always stand near the exit door for two reasons.
One thing is I love the breeze flowing on my face and second most important thing is to keep my oath. And to my shock, again I was the one who was disappointed. Throught out the journey I never noticed a single baby waving to the train. Time changed may be..This continued for a week and I got so frustrated that I thought I would start taking bus instead of train.
(I know it would sound so silly but still...Life is not a big thing right..its again made up of so many small things ;))
And then it happened. As I took the train and when the train was reaching sanitorium the stop which I was about to get down, I saw a mom feeding her child showing the train and the kid was showing bye bye to the train???. Thats it...I just dropped the file I was holding and literally was waving a BIG BYE BYE for the kid. I dont have words to explain the excitement I had..Even now I feel so while writing this. The happiness in fulfilling one kids wish is really ectasy. After that we had a group in the train going regularly to same place and somehow everyone understood the childhood disappointment I faced and everyone started waving to that kid regularly. And infact the kids name later I learnt as Gayathri and we became friends too.
So anytime you see a baby waving at you, dont think if you know the kid just wave back. Its priceless and you are making a kid happy :)

Its Raining. Its pouring

2009-07-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

Phewwwww!!!! That was amazing.

Let me explain. We went for a tea break in office and then suddenly it became cloudy.
The weather was too good..Just too good..And then it suddenly started pouring heavily and with a loud breeze...Wow is this what you call as heaven on earth.
Just imagine, the lovely breeze spreading coolness and the little drops dripping on the face and when you have good company is this not heavenly.

I love the bus journey with window seat especially if there is a lovely breeze blowing. I had enjoyed it in solitude when I was working in bank in a village.

It was the same today. It was just for a precious few minutes that I could enjoy this. But still it changed the whole mood I was in. It just vanished my headache..

If I were not going back to Office, nothing at all could have stopped me going and dancing in a rain and yeah would be more fun if I could get a cone strawberry icecream and play a nice song in my IPOD and dance. Who cares on who is going to watch you ;)

Oh...Nostalgia...it reminds me of the silly college days and not silly village days and even some days in Singapore. Mostly when I walk back home from college and if it rains, its a daily event of getting drenched in rain and later back home drenched in thunder storm from dad :) And I have never missed an icecream in rain. How crazy But that I still am.
Guess this is what you call "Money cant buy everything" :)
And in college I had my best friend Jayanthi, who also a little crazy like me. Poor she. Just because she happen to be my best friend tolerated me a lot but yeah we do shared a great wavelength.

Then in village, I was living in a hut actually. There was a small hill(well u cud actually call it a rock) and whenever it drizzles, I will be there. With my favorite Bharathiyar poem book I just walk and sit on the top of the rock and hoping that I shouldnt be disturbed. But it would not last more than 10 minutes The place would fill with school kids.
They would keep asking me to teach them to sing(?????!!!!!! ha ha poor kids) dance and how many games to play. It was a great life. But it couldnt last long because ooppssss...I became very busy with work!!!

Okay..dragging me back to present.

Wow it Rained....

Just as the drops of rain sprinkled on me..
Thoughts of you tinkled me.

Just when the cool breeze waved thru my ear...
I hope thoughts of mine you could hear.

Just when the lightening spread a light of happiness
Your presence fills my day with brightness.

Rain may vanish, Rain may go away
But you would remain close to my heart always.
(Note => Not a stolen stuff!!!)

Moral

2009-07-27T09:10:00.001-07:00

I was rushing home from office, since I got a call from home that my daughter was not well. Leaving her and going to office is a every day trauma, but especially when she is not well then how could you put it in words the ache you feel in your heart.

Well coming back to the original story, it was when I was rushing home in cab, I noticed something that was very disturbing. My cab stopped in a signal and I was obsevring a old man walking very slowly and tired. He suddenly held his stomach and sat down in the pavement. Its near the signal. What if he slips and fell down on the road. I was worried. I saw some students walking past him, some people chatting and crossing him but none bothered to look.
All this took place in few seconds and I had no choice but to get down from the cab. I got down and went to him.

And when I asked him what happenned and if he need any medical help, poor he, he couldnt understand my language and I couldnt understand his chinese language. Thankfully I saw a girl coming next and asked her to talk to him. She shrugged and said looks like he is hungry. The food court was very near by so I kind of accompained him and dropped him in a food court and gave him some money and I rushed back home.

I dont think I have done a right thing. What I did could have solved his problem for that time but later. May be I should have left him in a old age home or something But I had to rush to see my daughter. My selfishness comes first. But what was more strange was there are people walking past him , students walked past him none bothered to even ask or wait to check on him.

What is happening to Humanity...

In the village I stayed when I was working for a bank, it was like I dont know how to put it in poetic words..

Its like people rushing to fan a flower with dew drops thinking that the flower is sweating..Humanity was like that...

I know now the world is changed a lot more. We do not know if we are helping the right person or not. I had had bad experiences before trying to help some who turned out to be drunkards. But that doesnt stop us from being good. From being helpful.

When I was in school we had a class for moral instructions. Where the teacher would tell us stories on Panchatanthra and about morals about good character etc. In the end we will have exam on that, and the irony is that even if you neednt pass the exam it is okay.
See...Moral is optional then!!! But now there is no class in school for moral instruction. They could as well use it for some other training or to put more efforts on other subjects that would bring more marks and also galores to the school.

In the end I dont know if money would matter or status would matter or the big circle of so called friends and relatives or the big house and a car that matters..

Like there is a saying..Its not how many moments you breath but what matters are the moments that took your breath away.

Just living doesnt matter, Living a life of honesty and sincerity and spreading kindess is what matters.

'What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?'

Abhiyum Naanum (Abhi and Me)

2009-07-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

Some stories are meant to be poems and some poems are meant to be stories. When I was watching this movie, I just felt as though am reading a poem. So nicely and naturally taken projecting the Father's love for daughter. All fathers can easily relate to it and so are the daughters. And this movie, oh my god...I felt as though I was watching myself and kind of my story. Only difference is the dad in the moview was monetarily rich while my dad was rich in values and character.
My dad is the best. May be every son and daughter would say that. But as far as I have observed I still would proudly say my dad is the best. For him it is always his daughters and family comes first. I have never seen him doing anything for himself. He would do everything only for us. If it is a festival then only we would get dress and he wouldnt get. He was so protective of us and actually I kind of didnt understand it that time and used to fight with him for being so protective.
I think only after my marriage, I became very close to him. Till then, though I adore him we always used to fight a lot because of him being so protective of me and because of I being more independent. But one thing for sure me and my sister always had a trust on him that if he is near to us nothing can harm us.
There are so many things that would always be in my memory...But the blogs wont be enough to put them in...One of those memorable thing is...
Like the cycle race. I wanted a cycle of my own for long time. I know our family economy condition but still I badly needed one. From my sixth standard, it was like you get first rank you get a cycle. And I managed to get first rank but poor dad, he couldnt keep his promise. I was so angry with him at first that in my seventh standard I wantedly wrote my science paper so badly that I got only 35. (I gave a mild attack to my science teacher..that was a different story). It made him so worry and then he promised that he would buy a cycle for me no matter what if at all I get school first. And getting school first in a school where the strength was 250 per class my god was too tough. But somehow I made it. I literally came running to my house and was waiting for my dad. And he didnt turn up till it was 9:00 pm. Tired and upset I slept off. Around 10:00 he came home and woke me up to show me my new cycle. It was just a WOW moment. More than the cycle what I admired him then and even now is he got the cycle for me even without knowing the results. It was really a big thing for me. And then I made a small jewellery box for my cycle key (all in the night ha ha) and kept the keys inside and lied down hugging my keys. (actually i wanted to sleep hugging the cycle ;) And from then, every evening I would take the cycle and go to my dads office. and then we will have a race back home. I always used to beat him in the race and he always used to be so proud of it. But in the last race we had, I met with a big accident and thats it...From then he didnt allow me to touch the cycle and race tho dhoor ki bath..
I think its nice to have Father and Daughter ONLY moments...Actually its so playful, fun and what not. My mom is also so protective of us but she is so confident on my dad than she herself. So me and my sis had a lot of dad only moments.Be it riding a cycle, Or Playing shuttle, or having a race, or shopping with him and trying to divert him so that he forgets what mom said, walking with him..and very importantly playing in the beach...it was the most scariest and at the same time funniest thing and then the rides..be it Giant wheel or Bungee jumping..why fear when dad near!!! confidence.
We always used to argue for almost everything. Right from my studies to job and then to marriage, there always had been a fight. I desperately wanted to join Engineering but he wasnt sure so when I got a engineering seat outside chennai..we fought...then I joined B.Sc and then I got job in SBI which I dont wanted to join but he wanted me to take it up, Later I got in covanys which I want to join and he dont want me to join..Likewise so many times we had argued but I know all these arguments are all because he was so protective and caring of me.
And then my marriage...Thats what is the coincidence...its just the same as this movie. My hubby was telugu but my dad cant understand or speak Telugu. So intially he wasnt really happy about it. I never understood why should he feel so bad about language but later after marriage...he is now managing to understand and even speak some words in Telugu. He started understanding for my sake and now started trying to speak for his grand daughters sake..:)After marriage and after becoming a parent is when we realize the importance of our parents. Till the time whatever was taken for granted, till the time the comfort they provide us is lost, we never really understand the need and dependency of them.
Just the way I had lots and lots of fun with my dad, Just the way I feel so protected when He is near me...I want the same for my daughter. So many times I send my daughter with her dad, and I wont accompany them. I will just be far and watch. I just love to watch the bondage they develop and adore that.Even now when something goes wrong, or if i need a moral support I know I can depend on my dad. He will be there. Our relationship is not bound by honestly respect(I am not being rude) it is more of bound by Love , affection and Care.
I have seen my friends, who respect their parents and at times try to do things to please their parents and also are at times afraid of their parents. But am really the blessed where I never need to act in front of my parents for anything. If I am angry I can yell at them without any fear or worry if they will misunderstand me..Because I know they wont feel bad Because I know that they very well know much I love them. The place where we live can be called as a home or house depending on whether we live or exist there. And that very much depends on the family.
I am truly lucky to have a father who would do anything..just anything for my sake and my sisters sake. For him our happiness matters the most. And I just hope and pray that we bring all the happiness for him in all that we do.
So to end with..if you get a chance watch ABHIYUM NANUM..and if you get a chance dont wait to let your dad know that you love him..Just say it..NOW.
Btw..MY DAD IS BEST u c...:)

Pinch of Pain

2009-06-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

He speaks
Dressed up words
I seek
Truthful worlds

Around me floats
Jokes and joy
No one in my boats
I fake smiles of Coy

He knows
But doesn’t understands
May be He knows
What I didn’t understand

Scared of the naked truth
Can’t fill the dots
Nothings true…
Who’d fill the dots?

Long roads
All alone
All I need is
You to understand

It rained
I drenched
I cried
It pained

No one noticed
It pained
No one listened
It pained
No one understood
It pained

Noticed ones passed by
It pained
Listened ones gossiped
It pained
Understood ones
Stood helpless
It pained

A bottle of venom
A Pinch of pain
Relieved
A life in vain…

… And the dots bloat on…

The best Professor

2009-06-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

The most wonderful Teacher.
I would not be doing justice to my blog, if I dont write about the most wonderful,dedicated and the best teacher I had come across - Mahalakshmi Mam.

Throught my school and college days I have been very blessed with good and encouraging teachers around. I didnt study in the best of schools, I had always been to government schools with scholarship and every class had a strength of 80 plus but always had been with the best and good teachers. And the most important person in my life would be Mahalakshmi mam, without whom I would never have completed my graduation.

After getting pathetically less marks in Chemistry, I knew that my engineering dreams are almost crushed. I made it to a college outside chennai. But being from a orthodox and middle class family, I couldnt go and join it. So I had to compromise to join Bsc Physics but the very first day I entered the lab with lots of depression, the things changed.

Mahalakshmi mam, was so empathetic, wonderful and very patient and knowledgeable. The way she explained things in practical class just made me feel better. Infact I was happy that I missed out the engineering for otherwise I would never have had a chance to come across Mam.
She was strict yet caring. she was polite yet would make it a point that we understand her.She will take strain in making us understand things and unless she is satisfied that we have got the point, she would not stop.

Things were going on well and I was enjoying my first two years in college as a class rep and with wonderful friends and lecturers. Thats when we friends decided to appear for BSRB exam. Just for fun we want to write. And throughout India OC had only 7 seats. so we know we dont have any chance. But still four of my friends went and attended the exam. Honestly, its the very easiest paper.

And then I got through that and was posted in State Bank of India. Now I was not sure if I have to take that offer.If I take that offer, I could help my family but I would have to discontinue my college and who would want to miss the final year of college life. And because of Mam, me and my friend became addicted to Physics and we wanted to do our masters in IIT. And this offer was such a big turning point. Because one thing is I need to discontinue my education and other thing is that the job offer was in a village which is around 7 hours away from my Chennai.And finally I decided not to take it up.

But my parents were not very happy. And then I went and spoke to Mahalakshmi mam. And mam convinced me to take the offer. She told me to take a break of 6 months in college and then join Bank and finish my probation period in bank and then come back and join college again. She said she would help me with practicals. And another thing she highlighted is I would get an oppurtunity to serve people by Joining in a rural place. Well the two years in SBI was ofcourse a big learning experience.Now I did as Mam said but unfortunately after 6 months when I came back to join college, I was not well. Had malaria and viral fever so missed college for one more month and so I was not allowed to write exam that year. So I had to take practicals only the next year.

from then my nightmare started, when all my friends had completed their graduation, I havent still. I managed to clear my therory papers with 80 plus percentage by writing it private but practicals was the one I really feared. That is when once again Mam came to my help. She asked me to come to college on every saturday for around a month and then she too came patiently taught me everything. Final year Physics practicals was not really easy. But within 4 classess she made me learn everything and patiently taught me everything. I scored 100 percent in practicals just because of her.

Not only me, she has been a mentor to so many of students. She has helped us at times not only academically but in other aspects as well. I am proud that am her student and I got a good fortune of meeting her in Singapore when she had come to accompany her niece. She was very supportive and even now provided moral support to me when my hubby had to go thru a major surgery.

No words are enough to describe about her. We all just feel very proud and grateful of her throughout our life.

Thank you Mam, for always being there for us.

Pleasure or Pressure

2009-02-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

I am taking my seventeen months darling to day care to leave her for half a day. When she holds my hand and walks with me to the play school I feel so proud and as though my darling is doing a great achievement.Just cant express it in words the pleasure I feel to take her to school carrying her bag. But then the moment I leave her there the way she cries to leave me and go inside is just creating such a immense pressure once again no words to express.And again when I go to pick her up, you should see the happiness in that small angels face. And the moment I carry her she gives me some hundred kissess and literally holding on to me.Oh god!!! This is just like watching the tides in ocean. Pleasure followed by Pressure and then pleasure. So in the end what would I call it Is sending your baby to play school a pleasure or pressure?

My little princess going to school

2009-02-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

Feb 9th, a never to be forgotten date. Our little princess started going to play school. We just enrolled her for half a day session. Feb 9th it was okay, And yesterday I too was with her. But she was not very happy. The moment I left her for few mintues to go and register, she was in tears. When I saw the total helpless state of tears she was in, I just immediately wanted to resign. But at the same time I thought that is the only way she is going to learn sharing and caring.
Today its Feb 11th and I left my darling in the play school. I was there with her for 10 to 15 minutes and then met all the teachers and told them to take care of her and to call me if she cries. And without her knowledge I just started to my office.
On the way back I felt such a heavy heart. As though am a TARE ZAMEEN PAR Mother. Back in my heart I could even hear the song..tuje sab kuch patha hai na ma..and could imagine my baby helplessly waiting in the door for me. I just couldnt control my tears and I just wanted to run away back to her. It took all my will power to drag myself to office. Physically in office but mentally am just thinking of my darling.
I hope she doesnt cry. Now its 56 minutes more after which I would just run away to hug her. Hope she is fine.
Guess at times being a mother is so tough. Its a proud moment to see my little darling walking inside the school on her own and also a little burden in the heart of missing her and worrying about her. I guess a mother no matter what would always have some worries for her baby. NOw I understand why my mom always keeps worrying about me and keep calling me.
Mothers never change!!!

This Old Man - My grand Pa

2009-02-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

My grand dad passed a way 10 days ago. Exactly on the same day as Mahatma died. And I couldnt even attend his funeral. He was 86 plus years old. And was counting his days. He is one who actually chose his death.

I have seen him as a working man, later as a retired man, with his wife(my grand ma) and the last seven years without his wife. He has taught a great lesson and when am writing this, I feel so nostalgic and at the same time a unknown burden in my heart.

My granny had pampered him a lot. He always used to be so egoistic and never even mingled with his own sons and daughters. Whenever he spoke a few words with us I used to feel so proud. He had four sons and two daughters. One of his sons my uncle was mentally challenged and died at his thirties. And so he has around well how many...mmm if am not wrong 7 grand daughters and 3 grand sons..And if anytime he spoke to any of us we used to feel that we had been given some great respect.

Later after he retired..he was juggled between his sons. Its a pain to have more than one son. Number 1 lesson learnt..My grand ma never used to feel comfortable anywhere else other than my house. And my dad is the poor and unlucky middle son. Generally either the eldest or the youngest used to be close to the parents. And my dad was never really close to my grand parents but he was the one though complaining still took care of them. I know my dad. He just lives for his childern. Me and my sis. But deep inside I know how much he loved his parents and had actually longed for their love. Well now till my grnad ma was alive my grand dad lived a life of a king.

But after that alas...he was really a loner. Never having emotional bondage with any of us, he was then joined in a old age home by my uncle in banglore. I went to meet him there, since I was in banglore...seeing the plight of him brought loads of tears in my eyes. The man whom I have seen wiht so much ego and respect was lying down in a bed like some vegetable. The poor longing eyes he still told me what is the use of life when my three sons just left me here. I called my dad immediatlely who was in chennai..I asked him to come and take him to our house in chennai and that my dad did willingly not for my grand pas sake but for my sake.

I remember my grand pa always complaining about my dad to me. Lesson 2 learnt. Never talk bad about parents to their children. But he did. And in the end from 2005 till 2008 it was my dad who served him, including cleaning his shit to giving him food and even searching him when he just goes away. But then in November I wanted my dad to come and stay wiht me to take care of my child. And that is when not only that even my mom retired and one mistake my parents did is they never had a house of their own. Lesson 3 learned No matter what try and build ur own hosue however small it is. So they cant take my grnad pa with them so they asked my uncle to take care The same one who once left my grand pa in a old age home. He came and did the same thing again. And this time no me there to take him back.

And here i am who acted selfishly. When I was in banglore I asked my dad to take him but now i needed my parents to take care of my daughter so I was silent. Though inwardly i felt horrible I couldnt insist my parents to keep my grnad pa becoz one way I needed my parents and the other thing is even my dad getting older couldnt take care of my grand pa.

When all three sons and 10 grand children left him alone in a old age home, my otherwise healthy grand pa couldnt take it. He stopped eating and he chose his death.

Though 100's came to his funeral what is the point when none could be there in his last moments. That is what pains me the most. Even if he had wanted to say something there was no one..but some hospital nurse who was no way related to him in blood.

Life...how it changes...The very close people whom mattered to us become a burden to us when we are busy with other things!!! but does all this matters?I agree that my grand da was no emotinally involved and whatever be his negatives but when a soul is totally helpless is it right to just go and dump in a old age home.I do have answers but still am helpless. I hate myslef for that but what is the use of that too.

I dont know who all should be blamed becuase everyone will have their own justice. But in th e end of it one soul left this world with none to care for because of a disease called old age.
This one way guess will make me strong that in my old age even if am left alone in a old age home, I would consider it as a punishment that God had given to me for neglecting my grand parents may be.

Life is too short and too strange. And we should never let our happiness depened on other person even if its a blood relationship.Thats the final lesson I learnt.
Still I feel a lot and have lots to share but no words come only just that always there would be a burden a black mark in my heart because of this.

The worst Betrayal

2009-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Generally when we are low or when some one betrays us the first person we look to share our feelings is our friend. A best friend. But what if your own best friend lets you down.
Isnt it the worst betrayal you could ever face and at the end of it what is the lesson learnt.
How could some one who has spent time with us, understanding us and having been a good friend to us suddenly can let us down and even allow others to talk bad about us. Does that mean friendship holds no responsibility.

Some people we meet leave foot prints in our heart but some just leave some cracks in a delicate heart which never could be healed.

Could never blame those who behave in a way to break our heart but have to blame ourselves for letting our heart be so vulnerable.

Broken hearts can be healed though it leaves the mark it has made always.

Happen to read a poem written by a friend who has betrayed his best friend.

An echo fades into the night,

an eerie mournful sound.

A shooting star disappears from sight,

and I crumble to the ground.

There is no life within this garden;

my sobs are the only sound.

I have poisoned the honeyed fountain

where your love could be found.

Dazed, I stare at the stars above,

my grieving howls fill the night!

Unintended betrayal of love has

hidden you from my sight.

I remember how it used to be

when we shared our fears and delights.

You are a treasured friend to me.

How can I make things right?

Feeling afraid, cold and lonely,

I long to tell you how I feel,

but you don?t want to hear me.

The pain for you is much too real.

Should I back away and build a wall

and block away how I feel?

Or, should I give you a call?

We both need some time to heal.

An echo fades into the night as our friendship disappears.

How do I know what is right? How can I ease my fears?

If I do call you again, would the old wounds reappear?

I can?t stand to cause you pain. Hurting you again is my worst fear!

Kabi Kabi Aditi...Does Friendship Matter

2009-01-06T01:51:00.001-08:00

Well I happened to hear this song only couple of weeks before and i guess as of now I have heard it more than 1000 times..Just loved the simple lyrics and foot tapping music and the wonderful lyrics. What impressed me more is the personal touch of the song..where almost in everysentence the name aditi was mentioned. Now you might wonder what is the relationship of this song and the tile does friendship matters?

I happen to hear this song by sheer coincidence when I was absolutely upset with my very best friend. My best friend sent me a one line mail saying the friendship is over between us as I have other personal problems and hence could no longber be friend of yours. That too just a day before my anniversary I got this mail. I was shocked and upset.And even tried very hard to continue the friendship.For it takes years to get a good friend with whom we could be ourselves share the same wavelength and be caring and courteous and at times take for granted but just moments to break it.Though my heart was broken I didnt want to give up on my best friend. I wouldnt even wanted to bring my self respect or ego to crash a wonderful friendship. But nothing worked. After that mail from my friend I tried for couple of weeks to sustain our friendship through mails,sms and phone calls. But finally I was forced to give up because at times I understand that the care for each other seems more important than the need for each other. May be today my friend doesnt need me anymore.Though I need my best friend always and a pure friendship always but if its going to be a burden for my friend, I dont want to force it anymore. So its over now. But it hurts. Hurts a lot.

It has caused a great pain in me and even I now kind of feel that I dont understand what friendship is and I learnt a lesson that you should never be emotional. But what to do. For some unlucky souls like me its not the brain which does the thinking but its the heart that thinks. But another big question is how could friendship matter when you are reaching thirty. Where is the time for a woman to maintain friendship when there is demanding responsibilites at home and work. Well I couldnt answer any. All I was thinking so far is each relationship we have is precious. Each single person we meet have come to our lives for some purpose. And no matter what, we should never give up on one relationship just because we have got a new relationship. No one has the right to hurt others feelings.

With all these hurts and heavy heart, I have learnt one big lesson that we should never depend on others for our happiness. No one really needs anyone. Every one is a individual and can come and go in our lives as they please. The sooner we learn to accept this fact we could be more strong and infact more happier.Though I have understood this I am still trying hard to accept this. But till then it still hurts a lot.And I still miss my friend a lot and still care for my friend a lot more. And I end this up with a small poem to my friend MY LOST FRIEND...BUT STILL MY BEST FRIEND(FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE SHARED).

You My Friend

You my friend

You don't always show it, but I know that you care.

You My friend If I'd ever need you, I know you'd be there.I'm glad you're my friend.

Your smile makes me smile. Your pain makes me hurt.

You My friend I want you to know: If you need me--I'm there.

To make you happy, make you laugh.

You My friend Sometimes you make me mad, but I can't stay mad.

You My friend Sometimes I want to get away from you. And sometimes there's nothing I want more than: to talk to you, to tell you about my day, to hear about yours, to laugh with you, to tease you, to share an inside joke, that no one else would get, to argue with you, but know we're just kidding..

You My friend Do you remember the time when...? There are so many times.

You My friend Don't ever lose the wonderful person you are. Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay you.

You My friend I'll never stop being your friend. Don't ever stop being mine.

You My friend Just wanted to tell you: I care.

Thats it...And at the same time Thanks for A.R.Rehman and for the lyricist and singer of the song kabi kabi aditi...It kind of really boosted me up when I was depressed.

The longest road

2008-11-17T05:28:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I just love to walk. The distance I feel like walking is not decided based on the kilo meters or miles but for me its totally dependent on the company I have. Ofcourse sometimes I do love to walk inthe company of solitude provided if am very happy or very sad.

The best company I ever had for walking was and is my hubby. I just love to hold his hands and walk aimlessly talking only sweet nothings. That is exactly how it was during our courtship days. Think nothing , Donothing, just enjoy each others presence. Every time we start holding hands and walk, I used to wonder how I had reached the destination so soon. And never ever I had the satisfaction. Always my heart would long for some more time with him. After marriage its still the same but onlydifference is now the sweet nothings has changed to serious manythings.Guess having responsibilities would sometimes change the precious moments to quite a bit serious moments. Now at times our walking would even end up in small misunderstandings.

Then comes my sis. She is my best companion and with her I could walk any miles. From childhood our topic of conversation never been sweet nothings. Its always a serious discussion but only thing is it is filled with loads and loads of laughter.Because whichever things that matters to her would seem funny to me and vice versa.so if anyone of us goes to the other with a problem, whether we get solution or not we sure would forget it for a while and have a clear mind after the walk.

Walking with friends is a blessing especially with best friends. You can blabber anything and be sure that you are not going to be judged. Thereis no expectations and no ego problems. I have a best friend and I could walk with him for miles and sure with smiles. And rain or shine, day or night its always nice to walk beside him talking about nothing in particular or some serious issues, whatever it is one thing that I could be sure is at the end of it I would always leave with a smile.Lucky for having such a good friend.

Then comes walking in solitude. I would enjoy it more if there is asmall drizzling or a big rain. Most of the time after a very happy moment I just love to walk. Mainly because to bring back every second of the moment once again in my memory and to enjoy the moment again and record it in my memory completely. Well the same goes for a sad moment too. Only thing is I just want to play it again and flush it completely once for all.

And most important of all is its better to absolutely walk alone than in a bad company. I once had to go with one of my acquaintance. Somehow we coudlnt share the same thoughts and absolute mismatch of wavelength. We would have walked together for the shortest distance but I felt asthough that was the longest road I ever travelled. Einsteins theory of relativity proved true!!!

Jab We Met...My friend

2008-09-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

After loonnng time got a few spare time to watch a movie..Jab We Met..
Well with a year old kid around getting to watch a movie would be a miraculous event..
And as always I was able to watch this for the first few minutes...

But I just loved the few minutes I have watched this. Because the movie brought back the moments I had spend with one of my best friends.

Well but after marriage I dont know how much feasible it is to continue friendships. Especially if it happens to be between a guy and girl. But am one of the lucky few who has this blessing.
My hubby is a gem of a person who understands.

I still remember the note given bymy best friend for my hubby. It said
Before marriage I had one friend. And the friend got married and now I have two friends.

This is just a message for my best friend for being there very supportive all the time and for all the good times we had and going to have.

So here goes the famous lyrics dedication to my friend...

Lean on me my friend when you're not strong andI'll be your friend I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long till I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride if I have things You need to borrow

For no one can fill those of your needs that you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you'd understand

We all need somebody to lean on

Let me Lean on you when I'm not strong

And Be my friend and help me carry on

Tears

2008-06-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

Tears=====
I was cleaning the kitchen and it was almost 11 in the night. After a really hot day suddenly when a cool breeze said an hello to me I was really surprised.I just went near the window and well it was no longer cool breeze but it turned out to be an arrogant wind. The sound of the wind and the clouds kind of scared me.It always was like that from my childhood. I knew that the wind wont hurt me but still there was a fear a fear kind of a different feeling. I just wanted to run to my husbandwake him up and just felt like going out and dancing in the wind and rain. I came to the bedroom and saw my tired husband already in deep sleep and next to him my 10 monthsbaby too was sleeping. I had just spend 2 hours to put her to sleep. Should I wake my tired husband and should I wake my baby and waste my two hours effort of putting her to sleep.
Along with the wind drifted my thoughts too back to my childhood days. When I was a kid I faced the same wind with same tingling fear. The moment I hear the sound of the wind I used to rush to my dad. He used to hug me and make me sit in his lap. Beside me my mom would be either telling me stories or humming her favorite songand inspite of the fear I used to feel as though I were the most protected kid in the world.
As years rolled by in my school days when I saw the wind, the same fear but now my younger sis was there. I used to rush to her and hug her and next to memy parents having a healthy competition of who is good at making paper boats. And ofcourse the judge being me, I would always declare the winner not based on their boats but basedon who was more considerate to me then.
Then came my teen days, the same wind and rain, but there was a small ego which never allowed me to tell my friends that am scared of wind, and so always we a group ofthree friends, used to get drenched in rain , eating ice cream and being cursed by some elders...See these kids on the road...Eating icecreams in such a cold weather...!!!
Then came my college days, this time though I had the fear for the sound of the wind and heavy rain, my reaction to it was, to put a chair near the window and have myfavorite novel in my hand and beg and pamper my mom for a freshly brewed coffee..And finally when I settle in the chair listening to the songs of rain and wind and sipping my coffeeand about to read the book, my sis would come and take the book away and we used to have a small fight and lots of giggles and the episode will end with me and my sistalking useless (that it seemed to be the most useful) gossips.
Then came my courtship days, the same wind and rain, would take me to my mobile and I used to call my would be(now my hubby) and talk sweet nothings mostly caughtby my naughtiest sis.
Then came the days as newly wed, this wind and rain and it was nice to tell my hubby that I am actually scared of wind and to settle in his warm hug and romantic cuddles.
Well now as a mom of ten months and after five years of married life, the same wind and rain, giving me thoughts if I should wake my husband along with that some worries like Oh my God the clothes I had put outside will become wet.
Suddenly there was a big thunder that brought me back to the present moment. I just noticed tears rolling down in my cheeks.
Trust me..I really dont know if they are tears of happiness or sadness.

Nice one....

2008-03-23T03:00:00.001-07:00

Love Letter!! From a loving husband

My Dearest Darling,
I had the choice of giving you flowers or greeting cards or bouquet...but don't know why I chose to write a love letter to you instead.
I am not a poet and so I cannot write sonnets embellishing your beauty. I am not an eloquent writer and so cannot compare you to moon, sea or stars. But there is something special I have which a poet or a writer cannot express for you....my true love for you from my heart.
Do you remember the first time we met? It was at a party and one of our friends introduced us. By some sheer magic my first words uttered to you were "Where are your wings? I thought angels carried them all along wherever they went." I still don't know how did I say that, but it worked. All I remembered about you that day was that you laughed beautifully to all my stupid jokes and anecdotes. Truthfully most of them were copied from Woody Allen's stand up act video I saw somewhere. I told this to you only years later fearing that you would reject me as unoriginal.
I didnt fall in love with your eyes which exhibited the kindness of Virgin Mary or anger of satan in a slit second. I didnt fall in love with your lips which were tulip colored and had the freshness of the dew drop on lotus flower. I didnt fall in love with your long hair which seemed to challenge the very existence of gravity whenever wind blew through it. I didnt fall in love with your voice which had the divineness of even bringing the dead back to life. I didnt fall in love with your hands which were so soft and little that one wondered if the god had sculpted them for weeks altogether.
I loved you when you patiently taught alphabets to the physically challenged kid in the neighborhood. I loved you when you were angry with your father when he skipped his lunch. I loved you when you took all the blame for the withering of flowers which was instead your sister's responsibility. I loved you when you cooked food for the neighborhood aunt day after day. All I fell hopelessly in love was with....YOU. Mar 1 La Vida It took me six months and eight days to realize that I had been suffering from your love and the only potion that could save me was your acceptance to marry me. 3 days and 121 drafts later I managed to write a love letter to you explaining why you could marry me and still be happy. I had not even been nervous for my grade exams than I was when I waited for your response to the letter. It seemed as if that day the hands of clock refused to move apart and as if I was in a time warp. I must have opened my mail box once in every five minutes and kept looking at my phone as if my life depended on it...and yes it did. Thank god, you saved me. The moment you said yes, I yelled loud enough to be heard from the other side of the Atlantic.
I thought that perfect marriage existed only in romantic novels...until we had one. Each day was wonderful waking up looking at you. Some people tell that marriage is boring because the sheer prospect of waking up to see the same face near day after day is horrifying. Unlucky chaps...they were not married to someone as wonderful you. I loved those wrinkles under your eyes even though you hated it. Do you remember how you cried when you lost my birthday present in the shop and couldn't surprise me? Why would I need a gift when I had you for me?
But it all crash landed one day when we discovered that you were suffering from Brain Tumor. I thought that I loved you more than anyone, but seemed that even the gods loved you a lot. Being a mortal I hardly stood a chance fighting them. The hardest thing is living in the fear of death of someone you love more than your life. By sheer misfortune I could not share your pain and instead watch you suffer from it. Five months later the gods summoned you and snatched you away from my possession.
They say that life has to move on. Maybe it does. People ask me if I remember you often. You have to forget something to remember it back. So I guess it doesn't apply to me. Mar 1 La Vida As I write this, I am at the same place in the beach where you asked me "How much do you love me?".
I will never understand why women need to be reassured of the vows of love. But as a well read man I answered something that I read somewhere "I love you more than you love yourself."
Your loving husband..
He rolled the letter and inserted it inside the bottle and threw it far into the waters. Sometimes people say that he is a mad man...but does it matter to him?

When When When

2008-03-11T06:36:00.001-07:00

????????????????
When was it I was in Cloud Nine
when my Best Half became Mine!
When was it I felt very special
when you gave me that wonderful cuddle!
When was it I felt am also cute
when your love made me to uproot!
When was it I felt am complete
when I felt in me your heartbeat!
When in my life came sunshine
when you became my valentine!

Worries Invited ForEver

2007-10-17T03:50:00.000-07:00

Well it was a shock for all of us when we heard that Shankar is getting married. The Shankar who ridiculed everyone who gave marriage invitation, who had the definition that full form of wife is Worries Invited ForEver,when he gave the invitation we were all surprised.And ofcourse some of our women colleagues even sympathised the girl who is going to marry Shankar.

Well, we all went for the marriage,wished him made enough fun of him and came back.But the shock doesnt end there. Very soon after Shankar joined our office, he made his wife also join our office. And soon we all started making fun of him that now Shankars wife is his boss in both office and home.

Somehow I myself being Shankars best friend thought that Shankar is giving too much rights to his wife. Well when people started making fun Shankar never seemed to bother about it but I got irritated. So I took him for tea and started telling about this.

Shankar! Are you listening to what our colleagues are saying

What? Shankar asked.

Well that you have become a slave to your wife. Personally even I feel the same.

Shankar laughed. Rajesh tell me something. What makes you think like that.

Well you generally used to ridicule everyone who is getting married and made fun of everyone even if they get a call from their wives. But now you seemed to ask permission from your wife for everything.

Yes Rajesh. There is a sudden change in me. Tell me one thing Rajesh. We are working so hard in this company for almost 5 years. But still after so many appraisals also our manager doesnt trust us enough to give one single project for us. But a girl who is brought up in a different environment, leaves her parents and come to live in a totally different atmosphere trusting a guy. No interviews, No appraisals. In that case is it not our duty to keep our wives happy. Is it not our responsibility to make the one single person who has complete trust on us to cherish her every second she lives worth while.

I was too silent and didnt have any words to talk.

This sudden change in me is because of my mother Rajesh. My dad has always been a superior person and my mom used to be scared to even open her mouth. Last month when my mom was bed ridden and sick she called me and told "Shankar! As a child I always used to feel safe when am with my dad. I could boldly vouch that my dad can do anything for me. And when my dad fixed my marriage he told me now you have your husband who will do anything for you. But unfortunately your dad was not like that.So Shankar I want my son to be like my father. You marry a girl and make her cherish her life.I will be proud of you when your wife says"If there is one person who can do anything for me its my husband" " That was her last words Rajesh and now you know why I changed.

Well actually I didnt reply Suresh.I was just thinking when leaving from office I should buy jasmine flowers for my wife today.

Labour and Delivery

2007-09-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

Labour and Delivery
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*//*/*/*/

When I saw the positive line in the pregnancy test kit no words to describe the happiness me and my hubby had felt. But in the deep end of my mind there was a little fear of labour pain. But then I thought let me enjoy the first 8 months as labour is somewhere in the ninth month. But for a person like me the smell of hospital was a night mare and any kind of syringe could make me run marathon, I dreaded labour very much.

The first 6 months with visits to doctor and folic acid tablets and very yummy food from my mother in law and fruits carefully selected and given to me by my father in law and love that is showered on me from my husband I enjoyed all of it thoroughly. Very soon it was 7th month and I went to my moms house. Well though I was becoming huge suddenly after long time when you go
to your mothers house with no repsonsibilities and when you get so much attention and pamperings do I need to say that I enjoyed that also.

Then came the ninth month along with it bringing some dreams to me. Though I hardly slept in the night still whenver I slept there was some dreams. Sometimes they were crazy like as soon as my kid is born its starting to walk or its talking or its too huge , sometimes they were so nice like I deliver the most beautiful baby in the world or like I go to doctor and the doctor saying
oh no you are already into labour and without any trace of pain I deliver and sometimes its like so dreadful like I couldnt make it in labour and just the way they show in cinema the doctor comes out and removes his specs and tell my hubby that sorry we could only save the kid.But with all this still there was one confidence that is if my hubby held my hands I was some how very sure I
wouldnt feel pain.
Then came the dday. I was lying on sofa and watching some junk serial. It was 10 in the night. Suddenly my mobile rang and I woke up quickly and felt a sprain. Thats it I never knew it was contraction and I thought it was sprain and continued to watch the serial and in that there was a lady who got labour pain and is being taken inside. I immediately thought if that lady had a
boy I will also have a boy etc. See Idle mind devils workshop. To my horror that lady dies delivering the baby making me more nervous. The whole of night I couldnt sleep because of fear and because of my pains.

Next day my hubby called and I told him that I got sprain. The first thing he told is to go to doctor. So I went to doctor and she checked and told am having contractions and asked me to get admitted.Oh No So soon...As she was checking me for contractions in the labour room there was a lady next to me delivering. The shouts and screams from her made me all the more
nervous. Oh God what situation I had put myself in is the only thought I had and I couldnt control my tears. I called my husband immediately and cried my heart out and he immediatlely started to reach me. Next thing I decided was no matter what and however is the pain I am not going to tell anyone till my husband comes. Because somehow I thought I could handle the first stage myself but inside labour room I know I couldnt do without my husband. The whole day they gave me only fluids and I got more tired with the pain and fluids and finally when my hubby came and held me for the first few minutes there was really no pain.
Then came the longest night I had ever spent because of pains. And in the morning they induced pain and then I understood what is contraction and what is labour pain. I initially felt I should experience what is labour pain but in reality It was unbearable. Suddenly my husband remembered of epidural and asked the doctor to give me epidural. But by then though I was awake nothing went inside my head. After epidural was given I was literally normal. No pain and I could even smile at my husband. Then came the most fearful hour the labour and my husband was asked to leave the room. I was too shocked but couldnt speak anything. Slowly my pain was back and when I told
the doctor she told now unless I have pain I wouldnt be able to push. Then it started. They put the oxygen mask and started shouting at me to push. All the things I thought I should do like breathing,prayers etc nothing came to my mind. All I could feel was the pain and the tiredness by pushing. Suddenly the mask fell down and I started coughing. For a split second I saw the worried face of doctor and felt that am not going to make it. But then at that time all that mattered to me was no matter what happens to me my darling baby should be safe. But then the doctor came near me and started talking to me that she also got severe cough in her delivery etc etc of which nothing mattered but her smile gave me a new set of confidence. They put back the oxygen mask and in the next few minutes I had delivered. God Gifted me my cute little princess.

The thing that is so wonderful is how God could suddenly give confidence and strength to a fearful person like me and how a new soul is born from a woman and how suddenly nothing matters to a mother other than her kid is all beyond words and still a mystery. Now as I see my daughters face all the pain seems to be worth of it. And now I keep telling others dont worry its
normal, You wont feel anything once your baby is born :)

The Gift

2007-09-24T23:29:00.001-07:00

The Gift/*/*/*/*/*/*
Two Days!!!! Suddenly two days seemed to be more than 2 years. Never knew that it would turn out to be this serious. It had been there for couple of months. I kept forgetting where I kept my car keys or spectacles,remote etc and I thought at 70 you cannot remember everything. But yesterday when in my own street I couldnt locate my house it is then that I got scared and rushed to the doctor.All he said is it could be due to some tension or pressure or worst it could be Alzemeirs. He took all the tests and had asked me to come after 2 days. I couldnt imagine a life with Alzemeirs and the first thing that comes to my mind is my wife. Oh no now I have only 2 days to prove myself as a worthy husband.

Fifty years of married life and I know I had been very faithful to my wife and had been a tee-totaller and above all I had loved her more and more as every year had passed by. But one thing that would be missing in our married life is romance. May be its in the blood probably because I could never be romantic or emotional or sentimental. Being a supervisor in a transport company, I had always felt as a boss both at home and outside. And when Raji came to my life
she was just the opposite of me. She is very emotional, lovable and romantic and above all she could empathise with others which made her close to all our relatives and she had lots of friends.

She always had some reason to celebrate and I had wondered seeing her energy
level. Not only that she also always did something to surprise me. It would either be my favorite food or some love you message or something. Ofcourse I had enjoyed them but I wouldnt be able to do the same. And when I tried doing it she understood that I did out of compulsion. And one day she even spoke to me that she doesnt need any surprise or gifts from me, and I felt so bad to even see her straight in her eyes.

Now as am driving towards my home when I think about the past there is a sense of guilt I have. Does my wife really love me even now. I had been selfish and I had been arrogant and when am in tension or anger or frustration I had shown it on my wife. Its a irony that always your outlet of tension or anger is on the person for whom you care the most. Infact I dont exactly remember wehn was the last time I had spoken with love to her. It had always been a routine conversation between us and I think it was around 5 years back that she hinted me about it but as always I had never understood it. And now I just have two days to let my wife know that I love her deeply and to tell her all those words that I have never told.

True to my heart if I get a chance to go back to my twenties and if I get a chance to marry again my heart would definitely choose my wife.Raji again but will she choose me. I would choose her because when I show frustration or anger she was patient with me, she made my life meaningful with all those cheerful moments, she had taken care of my parents well, though she initially was disappointed of me being non romantic still she endured it. But when I ask her the same thing will she have atleast one reason to choose me. Well may be I would forget everything because of my disease but I need to know if she would choose me.

I stepped inside my house lost in my thoughts and Raji was reading a magazine. She looked at me and as I expected she asked me what happenned you look so upset. Thats my Raji she could judge me exactly by my looks and my tone. I said nothing am tired. Again she asked tell me know what happenned and this time I told her please get me something hot to drink. Now she looked more startled.
Whats this...Generally he would have shouted at me for asking like this. But today he seemed to be patient. These are the thoughts that crossed Rajis mind. And she came out with two cups of coffee.

Now is the time I thought. And I asked Raji, Raji if you get a chance will you marry me again. I could see the sudden spark in her eyes.

Ofcourse I do but why are you asking me this.

No please I want to know why you would choose me again.

Because I love you. And she started giggling. What happenned old man that suddenly you are becoming romantic. Planning for some affair outside is it?

No Raji. Please I want to know. I had never been a romantic and had never done anything that could have got you happiness. I could see tears in her eyes and then she spoke.

All she told me is love is not give and take. Love is unconditional. My way of expressing love is with gifts and surprises and your way of expressing is to protect and care for me, to understand me. I love you and will always love you. Initially I had sensed disappointment but when I found out your way of expressions its just your presence that was and is a big gift for me old man.

Two days later I got a call from the hospital that it was not Alzemeir. But honestly I had forgotten that I had been to hospital also. Because now I dont want to waste even a single second and want to enjoy every second and want to celebrate love with my most precious gift life had given me - My wife.

test

2006-09-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

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Testing

2006-09-07T04:27:00.000-07:00

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Helping Hands

2006-08-24T05:58:00.000-07:00

It was our engagement anniversary..Well..Let me explain..Me and my husband..will try hard to find some celebrations..and we will celebrate it give gifts and surprises and will make an ordinary calendar day to an extra ordinary fun filled day. So like that it became our engagement anniversary..and as usual I tried hard to get a different unique gift for my hubby and finally ended up buying a T-shirt hee hee...what to do..you know what for guys not much choice...yar. And I was waiting for my hubbys turn..but all he said is Thank You. Still I was hoping that he would suddenly bring a gift in front of me..but since he didnt even show a hint of it well..I only asked him where is my gift..and all he said was sharuks dialouge...'Am I not your gift' Well I managed to smile and said Yes you are...but a little disappointed though...Then we went to office..and finally I bugged him to take me to a nice restaurant for lunch.And when we were having lunch I got a call from Udavum Karangal Vidyakar the incharge of orphanage. He wished me for anniversary and said because of you 100 kids are eating a nice meal with sweets today. I was so confused when my husband gave me a understanding smile and said How is my anniversary gift. Filled with tears of happiness and forgetting that its a restaurant I hugged him and said This is the best gift I have ever got.What else could bring more happiness than feeding the innocent minds.Well To get more details check here
http://www.udavumkarangal.org/surprise.htm
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Dreams

2006-08-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Saturdays and Sundays
Are made working Days
While Resting days are
All Mondays till Fridays

Uniforms Changed to Non Uniforms
And everywhere you turn
Kids in colour dress
Without making any mess

Out of the eight periods
Six were made PT periods
So No more lessons which are same
When all you do is play game

Gone are the days
Were you scare for exmas
Becoz now exams were mystery
Became a chapter in history

Oops,If I open my eyes
All these thoughts would be just dreams
And so here I am closing my eyes
And dreaming of new rules that is nice.

Hey you there

2006-08-11T03:14:00.000-07:00

Just want to share
A lil'l secret with you
Its just that I love you

When Am in trouble
You are there to drive it as bubble

Whem Am so sad
You are there to make me glad

When I get worried about the Present
You make me merry with your presence

And dear friend
Just be there Always for me
As I am there just for you

Missing You

2006-08-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

Away from me
You Are in Miles
But my heart still
Longs for your smile

Tears Are pouring
Just like Nile
Why dont you just
Send me a mail
Days just Never
Seem to end fast
And without you
I am just lost
I feel asthough
Am living in the past
Why dont you just
Come near to me fast

There is God

2006-08-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

When tough times comes and it seems so hard
Dont you worry! God is there to guard
When debts are high and you can just not pay
Dont you worry! God is there to pave the way
When you feel that everything is impossible
Dont you worry. God is there to say I'm possible.
So Dear Friend
Dont you worry
Trust in God
And just be bold.