The Boquet

I just opened the shop when I saw him. It was not a special day. Not a valentines day or mothers day or fathers day where people would come to my shop and buy boquets and on top of it is actually not a good day in the calendar too. Its Friday the 13th which is actually considered as a bad day to many. So who is going to come and buy boquets today unless I buy something for myself. Amongs these thoughts I saw him. He was staring my shop for long time. This already seems to be a nice day and on top of it I have no time to manage any adventure today. Oh no..The only other person in the shop used to be the lady who comes to clean up the shop. Yesterday she told me that she needed leave today and I had asked her not to come too. How stupid of me.
I opened this shop just opposite to the bus stop and in college road because that is where my target customers are. Most of the time its students who would crowd my small boquet shop either to give boquets for their favorite professors or to friends or lovers or what not. But holiday season already started and not much students around and in this sunny lonely day all I am left is with roses in my desk and a staring guy in the bus stop. It made me feel really uncomfortable.I went in and sprinkled water on all those beautiful flowers and again I looked into that guy.
He was still standing there but thankfully not staring at me or my shop. He was tall stout and really dark. He doesnt look clean and I dont know when was the last time he would have washed his clothes. He looked that dirty. I guess idle mind is devils workshop and my mind already started imagining 100 things about him. Was he there genuinely waiting for the bus. It doesnt seem so because all the buses that pass through the route already had passed but he was still standing there. So it did seem that he is not waiting for bus. Then what else..is he there to steal something or to create any issue. And the college also is not working today and the road was completely aloof without anyone except him. And ya there is a me, the only person who has a shop in the college road. May be I should close and go home and come back later. I am sure, Friday the 13th is ofcourse a bad day. I never used to believe in such stupid sentiments but things are really weird. Is it normal to have someone looking so rough staring at your shop for alteast an hour almost.
When I looked up again, thankfully he was gone. He was no longer in the bus stop. I just felt like a big relief. But it didnt last a second as this guy was now standing in front of my shop. I started to sweat. I had never felt such a fear in my life before. And this guy happily walked into the shop. I was just thinking that the best way is to hand over all the cash to him and any jewellery I have and then ask him to leave. But before I could say anything, he started to show me some flowers.He was not talking anything. He just showed me some pink roses, orchids and white lillies. He was just showing me in action and I asked him if he wanted me to make a boquet of those flowers and told him that would be very costly(how did I get the courage to tell that to him). He smiled and asked me how much all in action. I told him it would cost 500 bucks.He gave me 500 bucks and bought the boquet I made and left smiling. I could not believe any of it. After he left, I got few more orders in the phone for boquets. So I made them and finally sent them for delivery. I was still wondering about the guy who came, who looked so rough and what he would do with the boquet and why he was not talking. A close look at him, he indeed was not dirty. He was just wearing dark clothes. Anyways a strange day.
The next day I saw my cleaning lady. she was keeping orchid flower on her hair. I was bit irritated. I told her, Valli...Orchid flowers are very costly and you are taking them and keeping it for your hair. If you see a flower dropped down, please take it and keep it on the tray. She smiled and said No Mam. This flower is indeed from this shop. Last month before I told my husband that of all the places I work as helper the best place I like is your shop. It is full of lillies, roses and orchids but never anyone has ever given me a boquet or I dont own a single flower also.She was almost blushing. She continued Yesterday my husband asked me to stay at home and rest. And he came home with a boquet of all these flowers.He neednt have spent so much. She was still blushing and I smiled. It felt so nice, not just she but even the guy whom I saw yesterday suddenly felt like one of the handsome guys.
Well, Beauty is something inside. something about your heart and not about the way you look.Looks are deceptive. I felt so happy..happy for her and nice about that guy.Friday the 13th...it might have made her day...it might have made his day to see the person he loved happy because of her.Ignorance and Innocence are indeed bliss.
Oh well...now thinking about that..no one ever gifted me a boquet too and I own this boquet shop!!!! Guess The time has come to look for the forever friend :).

Innocence

Today I took my daughter to play area when I met a tamil family there. The mother was busy talking in phone and her two kids were playing in the play area. The younger one should be around 3 years while the elder must be around 6 to 7 years. The thing is now a days kids are becoming matured in a faster pace. The innocence which is there in kids are no longer there. Actually in movies if you watch, kids will be talking and planning like my god as if they are too old. That maturity in the way they talk seems too much for their age and it actually lacks any beauty. I thought its only in movies but even in reality its like that. They have more exposure and get to learn things fast but in the end the beauty of the innocence is lost.
In Tamil there is a scholar and poet thiruvalluvar. In his thirukkural he has said"Kuzhal inidhu yaazh inidu enbar tham makkal mazhai sol keladhavar"
which means people those who hasnt heard their babies voice will keep telling that the divinity is in musical insturments like flute or veena. But see the kids at this age.They already know before 2 years on how to dominate people, whom to dominate, how to get things done and the way they handle gadgets even I cannot. My daughter the minute my husband comes home she will tell, Dad give me your i-phone and she will start playing games for sometime. One way it looks nice to see her doing all this because yeah its a competitive world and the sooner you learn the better you are. But how long these kids will hold their innocence. There definitely is a beauty in that.
Whenever I go to play area and see the kids playing the way they talk in a way amused me but again makes me feel a bit sad too. I feel they miss the way we enjoyed our childhood. How many times we would have passed a toy shop longing for a toy and then getting it after requesting our parents for long time and when we get it the happiness would last for a long time. The way we wait for our cousins , for summer holidays, to go to park there were happiness in so many simple things. But now a days even before our kids ask for it we are giving them all they need at times more than what they need that I dont know if they will learn to appreciate what they have. How does it sound when a 5 year or 6 year kid yells at their parents or talk about things which are just beyond their age. It doesnt really look or feel nice.
Now coming back again to the kid I saw, as I was telling these kids were all too matured in the way they talk and act. But this girl came and told me, Aunty my sister dont know english. And then I started talking to her in Tamil. She wanted to play hide and seek and was explaining the game to me.She has just reached singapore and is basically from a village. The way she explained the game and how she used to play in India in her home town, it was so nice. I could sense the innocence in her voice the beauty of being a kid the joy of ignorance, there is a saying right Ignorance is bliss. It was so touching. I just loved it. There I see my daughter just 2 and half years old playing and telling rules to the other kid. I jsut pray that let her innocence stay for a little longer time so that she is not touched by the cruelties and competitoins of this world.

The Long Wait

The longest moments of our lives would be those when we wait for someone or something.Be it as simple as waiting for a bus or as serious as our interview or exam results which might change our lives. Now when I talk about bus, somehow Murphys law always seems right when it comes to me. Anytime when I wait for a bus, the bus would come within 2 minutes but in the opposite direction. Same happens when I wait for a cab. If I wait in a long queue there will be so many cabs coming but it would stop coming exactly when it is my turn. The only solace or hope I would be left with is ... God!!! please make the person standing next to me as lucky.

Well the other thing is in the end of a long wait if something positive happens then atleast its worth the wait. But sometimes we wait for something which is never going to happen and feel sad about it.Now when it comes to waiting, I just want to share few moments of my life which I would never forget. If I think of it, it feels as though they all happend just few days back.
As kids we wait for the exams to get over, wait for summer holidays , wait for the outings to go and for cousins to arrive , wait for play time, wait at home for parents to come and what not. As we grow older we still keep waiting but wait for different other set of reasons.

The drawback of both parents working is that kids miss us. My parents since both of them were working never had time to attend any of my school annual day function or sports day. Most of the time it will be in a week day and they would miss it. But my ammamma is a source of inspiration. She would encourage me to pariticipate in everything. All she would say is winning is not important but participating is more important.So I used to take part in every competition I know of. And it was in my eleventh standard , I guess I won prizes in almost all the competitions I participated. Lady luck was by my side probably. Then my teacher called me and said that my parents should come to the annual day.It was a saturday. I had to go to school by 3:00 to get dressed up for a dance performance. I asked my mom to come for the culturals at 6:00.From 6:00 I was standing near the gate waiting for her to come. My turn came for performance, I just danced and again came back to the door waiting. And then came prize distribution after that, the chief guest speech, they called for my mother.But she was not there, and my teacher was asking for her. In the end my friends mom went to the stage and collected the shield for me with me. She couldnt come because she was held up in a meeting but that was one of the days which felt like a never ending wait.

After that when I was pregnant, the first three months every time I go and see the doctor to get the scan done, it would be alteast a minimum of 1 to 2 hours wait and till three months the doctor was telling I should be very carefull and she can confirm anything only after 3 months. So till I go inside and get the scan done, I could just feel my heart beating fast but the clock never ticking. And after the three months, then it was during my delivery. I had pains for 2 days and the longest nights were those when there is pain and no electircity at home and people around are sleeping. But that was all worth the wait and when I saw my angel princess all those waits and all those pains were all felt worth the wait. And the miracle is that you never remember the pain immediately after seeing your child.

But these waits in hospitals are really the most unfortunate moments of everyones life. Becuase the next thing is when my husband had to undergo a surgery. Waiting outside the operation theatre was like really hell. I dont even want to write about it and I just pray that no one ever should go through such a situation.

Now coming to the lighter side,now these waits, which make the moments as the longest moments like einsteins theory of relativity,how do we get over them. How do we do something productive in those moments because idle mind becomes devil's workshop. Well that I have to work upon too because the only two things I used to do it is to read a novel or listen to music. Anyways, whatever it is we cannot escape these waits. Sometimes we wait for someone to leave while sometimes we are desperate in waiting to see someone and hoping that the time when we are with them last forever.So wait!!!! Dont get bored. Am completing this topic here. Let all the waits be worth the wait for you all.

A Beautiful Mind

Not just the title of the movie, but the movie itself is just beautiful. It was like reading a poem, feeling a music and a just nice movie. I watched it twice. The first time, I just watched the movie. But the second time when I saw, I could notice all those minute details also which were like wow impressive.
Coming to the story of this movie, well it is based on the life of Noble Laurette John Nash. The movie is about how the young Nash becomes schizophrenic and how he has to go through the disease and what is the impact it brings on his wife and friends. It becomes really sad when he has to watch the burden he is being on his wife and his friends. The movie is just not about numbers and how genius Nash is but it also tells about unconditional love and trust.

How nice it is to fall in love and be loved unconditionally.

The story is about Nash, who is good at numbers but a introvert guy and is never good with people. When he arrives at Princeton University he meets Charles his room mate who becomes his best friend. But the irony is that, there is no Charles. That was just his delusion. Later he meets Charles's nephew Marcee who also is not a real person but part of Nash's delusion.
Later he meets one of his students Alicia and both fell in love and get married. And Nash gets his hallucinations worse where he is being taunted by some Parcher who is the head of United States Department of Defence. Nash has to work for Parcher by reading the daily magazines and journals to find any secret codes or messages being sent. Now that is all his illusion and he works on it until one day he imagines being followed by Russians and he thinks they are going to kill him.

That is when Alicia takes him to psychiatrist and he gets treated with meds and insulin shock therapy. Ideally all those messages he has decoded Nash used to put in one secret mail box which Alicia opens and shows Nash that they are all unopened and it is all his illusion. But Nash finds it difficult to believe Alicia and he thinks even that as a plot by Russians.

Finally when Parcher and Charles force Nash to kill Alicia since she now knows the secret that Nash sees Marcee the little girl and suddenly realizes that over the years Marcee has never grown up and she still is a small girl and then he realizes that he is actually imagining those characters. But since the medicines he takes worsens his relationship with his wife and also with Mathematics he tells his wife that he will apply his mind when he sees those characters and she supports him. In the end Nash lives his life , he still sees those characters who talk to him and taunts him but he manages to live with it and also manages to become a most respected Professor who also finally awarded Nobel prize for game theory. That is how the movie ends.

Now the fine moments of the movie which I just adored are lots but to tell about quite a few..

There is one scene about how you value people and value the things that they give. In one scene Nash takes Alicia to a art gallery during their courtship and Alicia just keeps a kerchief on his pocket. And Nash was busy seeing people talking to them while Alicia was watching a painting and she explains Nash that she loves colours. It looked as if Nash was self absorbed becoz he doesnt reply anything to Alicia but on her birthday he gifts her with a crystal and he tells her this crystal will reflect all the colors. It was just a nice moment and when Alicia replies him with a surprise that she never realized Nash was listening.. and also he always keeps the kerchief with him.When Alicia tells him that she gave him the kerchief since she thinks that it would bring luck, he replies that he doesnt belive in luck but he values it because it was given to him by her. He values people and things.That was really touching. And throughout when he has to suffer, it impacts Alicia also but she never gives up on him. She continues to live with him and support him. And in the last scene when all his fellow professors come and honour him by putting their pen down , it was like wow, it just brought tears in eyes.

Overall it might look like some slow movie but its a nice , good and wonderful movie.

Actually one of the important life of lesson about not giving up on our loved ones is what I liked about the movie.At times we avoid our loved ones when they need us the most because we are afraid of seeing them in pain.We feel that we cant take it and we dont have energy to see them suffer and so we avoid them or avoid being in that situation.

Actually if our loved ones suffer in pain then its more painful to just watch them suffer the pain and feel helpless.I had felt it when my grand dad was not well and I was afraid to be with him. I was really scared and felt helpless.Sameway when my grand ma was not well I wanted to be with her but unfortunately before I could reach she left me.

When I was in college as part of NSS we had to go to Royapettah Govt hospital and do service for the patients. I had seen one young guy who was in AIDs ward. It was only then the awareness of AIDS was among people but still many were not clear. There was a misconception that if you even be anywhere near the patient you will fall sick. So we had to get special permission letter from our parents to go to the ward and do counselling. I had forged a letter as if signed by my father and had gone there for atleast 3 weeks. It was really really sad to see that young guy dying out of AIDS for no fault of his He had met with accident and blood transfusion had caused it to him. And the moment they realized he was having AIDs his own parents had left him there. He was like one orphan. He used to talk to me in a different tamil. The first day I was with him.he was really arrogant. Later he was okay to talk to me. We kind of became even like good buddies. His name was senthilnathan. But it was just for 3 weeks after which I could not go there and also he was transferred to different hospital and unfortunately I dont know what had happened to him. But when I was there, it felt sad because when he was sick all he needed was his parents and those loved ones around him. He had a good sense of humour and was able to even laugh with me. But I could sense the sadness in his eyes. It would trouble your heart in a very different way. It was like after I spend an hour and come out of hospital , the whole day used to be very depressing. Where I am fighting with my sis for small petty things and worrying about my exam marks and where a guy who is younger to me has to face death alone!!! Even to write it sends a shiver inside.

Now coming back to the movie..well..It is really worth watching and worth the oscars it has won especially Russel Crowe for his wonderful expressions. He has lived the character of Nash.

In the end,May be you need not only beautiful mind but also lots of tolerance.May be instead of asking Why me God? should we pray Give me the courage Lord!!!

Life is filled with moments and certain things cannot be changed. So the best way is to atleast act happy and may be you would really be happy. Its all in the attitude to make those moments into precious moments.

Love All. Serve All.

To My Dearest Ammamma

She walks in Beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
If I just close my eyes all I see is her. She walking in front of hindi prachar sabha.She hugging me and the feeling of being safe when she hugs me.
Time really flies fast. Its been a month since she left us and it still feels as if its only yesterday I saw her.The last time I saw her alive is in November last year. I stayed in chennai only for a day and somehow on that day we managed to bring a cake and did cake cutting for her birthday. Though belated still it was nice since I could be with her and celebrate with her. It felt great when Anannya and she both were sitting in the swing. She was looking tired but still acitve by taking pictures even on that day. Did I ever realize that, thats the last time I am going to see her.She kept telling me even then that I should buy a house for my parents. That seemed to be her only worry.Ammamma..The very brave yet very kind. I was very tired and I wanted to sleep. But if I close my eyes all I see is her.I wish I could just go back in time and get a chance to spend all those moments with her one more time.Missing her. Missing her a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Ammamma and Amma

My mother is wonderful woman to be remembered for ever till world exist. she is like a woman Gandhi. Gandhi struggled for freedom of india but my mother struggled lot for the welfare of her children. Gandhi walked all over india for sake of indian people and my mother walked all over the madras to take tution for the sake of her chldren.
she led a very simple life like Gandhi. she wanted her children to live in own house because she suffered a lot in rented house shifting here and there so she has shed her blood to earn money by way of taking tution . she has never requested for help from others even in critical financial position. She is used to take care of everything by her own.she is master of all arts. while learning one art she was capable to teach the same arts to other and earn money. she is woman in gender only but she is very brave even when compared to man. she construted a house at neelangarai at the age of 65 without anybodys.she never spent any money for the sake of her comfort also even she did not expect any money even to spend for her own healh from others. she led the family with out debt.
she worked for her family as father and mother in all occasion. At age of 83 she knitted swetter for her grand daughter's daughter .she never wasted single minute without doing anywork till her last minute. I have written all about her but very difficult to follow her path even in my dream. At end of her hour she chanted god's nama. I am very proud to say G.R Malathi is my mother though she is not with me now her memories will always be with me forever.



by g.r. seethalakshmi.

Ammamma and VG Aunty

viji aunty, ammamma's last daugther in law and also her favorite dil. We are blessed that we could also be in the marriage of raja uncle and Viji aunty. The shopping we had done for the wedding and the time we spent in the marriage as kids were just too good.
This is a writing from Viji Aunty.
I miss my mother-in-law so much. She was my best friend. She never bothered her daughters-in laws with rules and regulations. She was always simple. She was also very strong and brave. I remember when she came to New York for the second time, She came home by her self. Raja was waiting at J.F.K. but the plane landed in New Jersey airport. So, she talked to some kannada people, and they said they are going to Queens. She shared a taxi with them and came home by herself. If any other seniors were in that position, they would be worried so much. I still remember her jokes. We both used to laugh so much. She never gossiped.On the 10th day early morning at 4am, I felt that she came to bless us. I felt her smell and presence in my bedroom. She also came 2 times in my dreams. I am very happy my kids got some time to spend with their grandma. They love her so much and now they miss her so much. She helped me a lot of times too. But I didn't get a chance to return them back. But she was still a very satisfied person. Whatever I cook she enjoyed. One time I showed my poems to her she liked it and said it was very good. I also used to complain I was a short girl. She used to say no you are not, You are the perfect height, which made me feel better. She was the sweetest person I have ever met. We never are going to replace her emptiness. We were not blessed to be with her in her last days, but I am glad Raja spent some time with her and took some videos. Those videos are precious to us. Sahithya and Kavya wrote a letter to her, and in the video after she read it she kissed that letter. Oh! God so sweet...........Now in my gods place we are having her photo with a light. Really, I don't like it like that.....I can't believe it......and I can't write any ......more............I am crying... I am praying her to give me her braveness and strength.Viji

Ammamma and VG Aunty

viji aunty, ammamma's last daugther in law and also her favorite dil. We are blessed that we could also be in the marriage of raja uncle and Viji aunty. The shopping we had done for the wedding and the time we spent in the marriage as kids were just too good.
This is a writing from Viji Aunty.
I miss my mother-in-law so much. She was my best friend. She never bothered her daughters-in laws with rules and regulations. She was always simple. She was also very strong and brave. I remember when she came to New York for the second time, She came home by her self. Raja was waiting at J.F.K. but the plane landed in New Jersey airport. So, she talked to some kannada people, and they said they are going to Queens. She shared a taxi with them and came home by herself. If any other seniors were in that position, they would be worried so much. I still remember her jokes. We both used to laugh so much. She never gossiped.On the 10th day early morning at 4am, I felt that she came to bless us. I felt her smell and presence in my bedroom. She also came 2 times in my dreams. I am very happy my kids got some time to spend with their grandma. They love her so much and now they miss her so much. She helped me a lot of times too. But I didn't get a chance to return them back. But she was still a very satisfied person. Whatever I cook she enjoyed. One time I showed my poems to her she liked it and said it was very good. I also used to complain I was a short girl. She used to say no you are not, You are the perfect height, which made me feel better. She was the sweetest person I have ever met. We never are going to replace her emptiness. We were not blessed to be with her in her last days, but I am glad Raja spent some time with her and took some videos. Those videos are precious to us. Sahithya and Kavya wrote a letter to her, and in the video after she read it she kissed that letter. Oh! God so sweet...........Now in my gods place we are having her photo with a light. Really, I don't like it like that.....I can't believe it......and I can't write any ......more............I am crying... I am praying her to give me her braveness and strength.Viji

Art of Giving

Please do not search anything in this related to the title. Something I learnt not today..but just felt like writing about it today.At times we do somethings for someone without any expectations..and with just love..unconditional love...There is one thing that if it is not reciprocated may be its hurting..but if its not given any value or if they really dont appreciate us doing things for them and if it doesnt add any value or doesnt make them feel happy..then there is no point of doing it. The effort in breaking our heads in finding a gift and seeing something and get excited thinking that when we give it to them and when they open and see it..they are going to love it and then give them to realize.that they react to it with..oh okay..please keep it there..it just hurts..hurts a lot...Well so..what to do?
Actually I like if someone surprises me with a gift which very very rarely has happened and also had happened quite long long ago...and in the same way I love to surprise others also with gifts or with things which I assume they would like.Anyways..I dont think I am going to change.Today is just another day of being so foolish.
In the end whether it is some fruits that you got or some keep sakes whatever be it..it lies there untouched..laughing at you..or rather cursing you saying why did you buy me at all?
Now my thoughts again goes to ammamma. My ammamma..also used to buy some things for me..as gift..she has got me some pearl chains..I am not a person fond of jewellery. Rather I would like to go to street shopping and buy lots of earrings and bangles from the road side shops rather than go and buy in gold or diamonds or pearls. But my ammamma loves to buy in pearls or stones that are of some astrological benefits. Suddenly she started showing passion towards it and used to gift me such things for my brithdays which I hardly appreciated. Ofcourse I would not tell her that I didnt like it because I dont want to hurt her..so I will wear it on my birthday and remove it. Later whenever she comes to our house I used to wear it just to please her. Now I dont have even a single one which she gifted and it makes me really feel sad. So I dont have right to complain on anyone as I myself havent kept it safe.
Well whatever in the end what I wanted to tell is I wanted to write something positive about the art of giving which I would in my next message..Till then..Love All Serve all :)

Ammamma and Ranjani

This writing is by Ranjani...Ammammas most beloved grand daughter..
Ammamma always used to be very proud of Ranjani..She used to tell me that..Ranjani..has the blessings of lord saraswathi.be it studies or be it her musical talents..she is blessed..and Ranjani..I remember her and my own sister both wearing a blue colour frock stitched by Ammamma..and used to almost keep fighting with each other for toys and games and what not...
This is a writing by Ranjani..and Wish Ammamma could raed it..As I start reading it...tears are rolling down and fresh memoreis are revovling in my mind..

Ranjani writes ....

It was Thursday (20.05.10) around 4 am when i got this dream. There was some Pooja going on at Ammamma's Home.. and we all had gathered there. The acharya was chanting mantras. All the ladies (My Mom, Doddamma(Rama) and Periamma (ruckmani)) were busy arranging things.. there was a wave of sadness around cuz the familiar face, neatly dressed, holding the camera n clickin away lotsa pictures was missing.. i was searchin for ammamma every now and den.. but couldn't find her there at all.. atlast, the function got over.. and every1 were goin towards the pooja room (near the corner of the hall). Once every1 was done, suddenly ammamma appeared, dunno from where.. She was so real, and there was dis brilliant brightness wen i looked at her.. Like a god.. .. N she was draped in the Purple saree.. Do u remember anitha??? .. every1 went upto her and got her blessings. It was as if, she came there oly to bless all of us.. Everybody around were sad and crying, 'She said 'Don't worry. I din go anywhere. I am here only'. and that's it. There was an abrupt pause. I suddenly felt a lil awake.. I din want to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to go on.. I wanted to feel her presence.. I wanted to hear her voice again.. I was scared to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to be real.. but then it was not.. I suddenly woke up shuddering and scared.. there were goosebumps all over.. I had met her a week back (apr 17th) .. She was very weak and was lying on bed... As soon as she saw me, she smiled at me and asked me to sit near her. She took my hands and kissed it (She always does tat wen i meet her) and She was holding my hands tight.. She neva wanted me to leave...Next week, my dad called and told me that she s getting better.. Was a lil relieved. I was waiting for tat weekend to com so tat i could meet her on sat.. but neva could i meet.. :(( I miss her so much.. I wish i could meet her for 1 last time n talk to her and be with her.. i still remember the days me n suji used to go to her home, play cards with her.. esp trump.. Me n suji used to be partners n used to cheat ammamma.. She'll find it out and v all ll laugh our hearts out.. Miss dos days, wen i used to take tuitions along with her.. I used to keep dictations and teach few lessons to her students... Miss those days, (wen i was waiting for my call from TCS and totally jobless), every afternoon i used to go there and have lunch.. She'd neva lemme starve.. she'd serve food for me with loads love and affection.. She'll make nice dosas for me in the evening... Miss those Evenings wen v used to go upstairs, water the plants, take pictures if they had flowers in them, enjoy the sunset scenery.. Play carroms with Madhumita who stays next door. Whenever she was alone, i used to go her place n sleep over... Miss those nights which was filled with her bed time stories.. Shees a gr8 narrator.. Love the way she narrates.. and above all, I miss her JOKES and RIDDLES... not oly me, evey1 is a gr8 fan of her jokes and riddles and ofcourse her photography...She'd never stay idle even for a while.. At the age of late 70s, she used to go to Hindi Prachar Sabha to get books for her students.. N i used to accompany her in auto.. There wen she goes, I was shocked to c every1 coming to her, talk to her and n get her blessings.. Every1 has so much of respect towards her.. This shows how she has led her life... She has lead a Complete life. .Shees a legend... and above all a ROLE MODEL to all of us.. Every evening wen she gets bored, she used to come to my home.. and she me, my mom and dad used to play cards and carroms together.. And after v r done, I used to take her on my Scooty Pep and drop her back.. I miss those evenings so much.. Everytime I go to that home, there is no one to ask me 'How I am', there is no1 to take my hands and kiss me.. The very thought of it aches my heart and mind so much... n above all, she wanted to c me getting married.. This was one of her wish wch i couldn't fulfill... Dear Ammamma, m really really sorry for tat.. but i know that u r here, watching all of us and blessing us all... Miss u ammamma.. I love u so much.... Ranjani...

We Love Ammamma..

Thinking Of You - Ammamma

Thinking of You - Ammamma
Meetings and Partings are the happenings of the world. My friend once told this to me.But at times certain people we meet touch our lives in such a way that without them, we are no longer the same. Life seems so incomplete without them.My ammamma is one such kind. She is a very independent lady and I have never seen her being dependent on anyone for anything. She is very brave and a strong willed person.Like I said, I fear staying alone, as anytime am alone..my thoughts end up thinking about ammamamma...and it feels as if she is alive..and when I think of the reality of what happened its like honey bee stinging feeling...becoz am guilty.
Today I was in train...and thinking about her...When I saw a old couple. The old lady came to me and asked me how I am and if I recognize her. I really couldnt recognize her. The next thing she asked is how is your ammammma..I was surprised and shocked and I was wondering who it was when she said she is from Desur, the village where I worked in Bank and to me she had just been one of the customers to whom I help but somehow she remembers me. She said that she had come to close her TD account to bank and I helped her a lot patiently. And she has seen me and ammamma in temple regularly. It felt good seeing her but after she left I couldnt stop thinking about the carefree days in Desur with ammamma..
I remember walking home for lunching..thinking what she would have cooked for me..I am thinking about the way we gossip and eat lunch and laugh ...She asking me to keep some good god songs...while I keeping some movie songs playing it loudly...And exactly the same time I keep the song...the loudspeaker in the village will start playing some other songs in the near by tea shop...how many moments..our temple visit...shoppings...and me playing cricket with the school boys..the kids coming for tution...the latenight movies...she sleeping in between and suddenly waking up and asking me...what happened..wow those moments..I really miss her a lot and am feeling very very very lonely..
It didnt feel like having dinner alone..without anyone near to whom I can say atleast few words about her..Even the maid had already finished her dinner.But yeah..thoughts of ammamma..was still there in heart..I wish I could talk to her. I wish whatever I write..she could read it or hear it from my thoughts..
I miss you ammmamma..I never ever could be strong like you...Wish I were and Wish I could..At times it feels really really lonely without you..With whom should I share those fears..those lonely moments..To whom I can tell that am feeling sad, am feeling helpless and who is going to make me smile with all those caring words..
The time we spent in Desur in the hut and then it the terrace..talking about stars..playing songs and listening to it...That was the time we actually were behaing like friends ammamma..I want to tell you so many things ammamma.I am feeling very lonely right now..I am feeling so stressed..I feel as if God is playing games with me...Letting me down when I need him the most...and ammmamma...wish I could see you..now for just one time.
Missing you.

Dreaming in Dream

Ammamma, I had a strange dream. In which also I was sleeping and dreaming. It was your house..You were there talking to me and Anu, telling us about your tution visits and then asking us to sleep. It was like so real. I could clearly see you feel you and listen your voice. And then I wake up realizing it was just a dream and there were tears in eyes. And In reality also I woke up.

I was so confused thinking if its just a dream or a dream in a dream or whatever..Because I had taken medicine I was all the more drowsy but I did remember your face and your expressions when you were talking. Today I saw pics of yours again. Writing to you feels as if you are alive there waiting to read them. You know there was a story sixth sense, in which the doctor who was a psychiatrist comes as a spirit and helps a boy. Will you not do that to me ammamma.

Can I have a hope of seeing you..atleast in my dreams. Now a days I want to keep sleeping so I could keep seeing you even if it is only a dream. Ammamma, do you hear me. Can you understand any of it.

I am alone,

With loneliness awaiting for me.

I am at loss

I am with grief

I wanted to share it with someone

Needed a shoulder to lean upon..

There was my mom..

Already depressed.

I managed to put a smile

To give her the courage she needed.

I went to my friend,

To share my pain..

She was there with all smiles

to show her just born to me

And I came back with another fake smile..

I went to my loved one

To share this fear...

He was busy with his exam fear..

And I turned back yet another smile...

To those I spoke

They dont understand..

To whom I wanted to speak

Were too busy to listen..

And then when I turned back..

I saw the loneliness..

waiting for me

giving its shoulder to lean on....

It feels so lonely ammamma without you..

What difference it makes ammamma...

Finally its after all just a blog and you wont even know about it..

But yet

We miss you ammamma...miss you a lot.

Missing YOu Ammamma..

Ammamma, How come time flies so fast..Its already a week since you left me..left us...

Life seems to have come back to a normal phase...Wake up , get ready, get Anannya ready...go to work..work...take tea break..take lunch break..smile with friends..come home...etc..etc...

But still...always there is a pain inside..Am guilty and I can never come out of it...I had a choice of coming and seeing you..of coming and taking you to hospital..which I never did...Now any amount of tears or ache will not bring back the moment..It just seems like only hours since I spoke to you..Your voice..keep ringing in my ears...When am writing this..I am already blind with tears..Will you ever be reading this..Did you read the letter I sent with amma...

You know ammamma..am not able to sit alone..even for a minute without feeling the pain of missing you..So am always being with people..Even at work, if I have to sit alone and work am not able to do that..am calling people or simply joining conference call..When I wake up the first thing in morning am missing you..I am thinking of the days we spent in Desur...

Then my routine starts..but every 10 minutes there is a thought of you..you sittng with me and teaching me how to do knitting...You taking hindi tutions..we both correcting hindi papers..

You doing the gardening....You teaching me to cook..You who taugh me how to play chess..

The you who when I got tired and couldnt complete the kniting took it and completed...You who taught me to do embroidery..The You who taught me to do painting..You...with whom I walked miles in chennai..in kotturpuram..nandanam...and where not..It just seems likeyeserda..when I came with you in my ninth month of pregnancy to send you in auto...

You holding my hands when I was in labour pain.

You holding Anannya and blessing her..

You who gave me the moral support whenever I needed it..

You who always show meyour poems and drawings and jokes...

I am not able to share this with anyone ammamma.

In the end I couldnt do anythng for you..when I could have done it.

Will I ever forgive myself.\

I miss you..miss you a lot...and I am feeling very guilty..

Its becoz of my carelessness..

Miss you Ammamma.

Ammamma...We miss you.

My grand mother passed away...

Is there any word which could actually describe the pain I feel in losing her...I am lost for words..and I have lost her..

Death...I was acqainted with death only through the news paper and movies and news..It was just like as if part of life..Never had experienced it so close..What if my grand ma is 85 years old..who said it means that she has lived her life...she still had some dreams unfulfilled..I still cant believe that I will not be able to see her anymore..

My grandma...who has been supprotive of me from the time I could remember..Till the time I got married and settled..till then almost there has not been a week where I wouldnt have seen her...I am really at loss of words..what to write and what not to write...

why is it that suddenly the world seems so selfish..why is it at times we do not recognize our priorities and give values to those that doesnt matter...

How will I let her know that she meant a lot to me..and how is it going to help her in anyway..if I say it now..I couldnt find time to talk to her the last 2 weeks because of I was busy..busy at work...but in the end one soul who has needed me..to whom I could have brought some hope..has lost her life...and am here..sitting and writing about it..

Most of the time in our lives..the people whom we take for granted are the only people who had cared for us a lot and love us a lot..Because we knwo that they are going to love us anyway..we take them for granted and run behind those who either ignore us or who doesnt know the value of relationships.

I was watching ammamma...seeing her inside the glass pane..it was like..as if snowhite was lying down..I was so desperately looking at her..what if she suddenly winks her eyes.

or what if she moves or what if she shakes her legs..or what if she feels cold and what if she is still alive and dies becoz of breathlessness

so many thoughts..but she never moved..it felt as if she is lying down in peace...

Next day when I felt her..when I touched her hands....when I felt her face...it all felt so strange..

The rituals that followed..oh no.i dont even want to write about them......am not able to forget them..

Memories...memories are pleasant only when there is hope...Hope of meeting those whom we love..as long as it is there they are pleasant..the moment the hope ceases and when there is no hope..how could memories be pleasant ..They seem like burden to carry in heart..

If I close my eyes..I could see ammamma..walking towards me..the time I spent with her...arguing about things...taking her in auto...listening to her songs..stories..jokes and poems....How many stories she shared with me...some of them which seemed so intimate to her...she could share with me like a friend....and I was able to talk to her like a friend..There was no generation gap and nothing...And in the end when she needed me the most..I wasnt there with her...

And she has always been a role model..always taught me so many values in life..she has been there with me in Desure..where I was afraid she gave me the courage to go and face the work culture in bank ..whenever I felt lonely..becoz some friends hurted me or someone ignored me..she was there...to listen to me..and has told me that she has lived her life alone..facing everyone alone..and she gave me company..and now...am alone...and her death also has taught me something...

it feels now..as if people around us are selfish..including me...I dont knwo about others..btu I had been selfish..thinking about my famiily..my daughter my husband..my friends..my work...

and I didnt have time to think about a old lady who had given me support..And now on her death..when I needed someone who could hold me or who could understand me..I too had none....becoz everyone are busy...We are all busy..always..that we dont find time to let our dear ones know that WE CARE for them..we postpone it for tomorrow..we keep postponing it for tomorrow that we forget that some day we are also going to become old...and the tomorrow is never going to come..

I postponed seeing ammamma..in the end one day..one tomorrow made all the difference...The only good thing that happenned is I had called her up...I had called up my mom...and said I felt like talking to her..but she was sleeping..

And when she woke up she called me..the last 10 minutes..the last few words I spoke..it feels as if she knows..she is leaving..it was like farewell...she just said my dearest anitha...how is anannya..how is pavan..I love you..bless you and i am going to die..you please come..and what not...I cant write anymore..all I am left with is tears which are blocking my vision..

Ammamma..I miss you..we all miss you..I dont know if I ever will come out of the guilt of not seeing you..not taking you to hospital...I dont know if you would ever forgive me and if I ever have the right to ask forgiveness...

Ammamma...WE ALL LOVE YOU...and we are blessed that we were part of your life...

Miss you ammamma.. A LOT....miss you..

Wish you had waited just one more day ammamma....

Few Seconds with Stars

How immensely nice it is to lie down in the terrace and watch the stars and imagining shapes of the clouds. The last time I got such a chance was really long back when we were in Mambalam during my pregnancy chatting with my parents about useless stuff and actually lost in watching the stars. It was so peaceful.
Two days back I took my daughter to play area. We were just playing in the slide for long time and then I took her to gym. She wants to play in a place where you have to lie down and do some exercise. I also went with her. We both did lie down and then I was amazed to see so many stars. It was really a nice moment. And I was showing her the clouds forming shapes.

I dont know what she understood but the best thing is she was quietly lying down with me watching the stars.

Why is it that our mind always think about something.I kind of went into totally another world.
For a moment I forgot that am in a gym..in a play area..
It was like some nostalgic moments. I was humming some ilayaraja song and for a minute I was thinking of my school and then to college and it was all those happy moments of my life i had replayed. I came back into reality when my daughter said mummy! see dog :)

Its then i came back but still I didnt stop telling her about the stars.
In my cousins house mostly we sleep in the terrace chatting for long time and then sleep off tired.

EVerytime I am there I used to tell him, see the stars..but can you see one brightest star..which is brighter than all of the others..He would say yes...and then I would say...note it down That is me...I will be like that in my life...Always shining Always happy Always smiling and I would make all my dreams come true. And he would say good and I will always pray that your dream come true.
Next night again I would start the same story and he would still be patient and listen :)


I dont know if all my dreams have come true...But yes I would want to be the brightest star..

forever happy forever smiling and I wish the same for my daughter and for all those whom I love :) (Selfish!!!).

Hey..wait..can you see the brightest star there....:)

Celebrating Love

Its valentines Week...

Time to celebrate Love...

It was in college first year, that I first learnt about valentines day. I used to catch the 12B bus in the morning. And almsot 2 weeks before february 14th I started hearing this valentines day story. What to buy , what to say and how to say how not to tell..all those stories. I was in a womens college. And in the bus I had friends who would all wanted to propose cute girls in my college. Atleast around 5 to 6 guys started talking to me just a week before valentines day being too much helpful in the crowded bus so that I could help pass their letters :).

So well that is how I learnt about valentines day and we friends decided that wow!!!! Valentines day is not just to celebrate between couple...its about love so we should make all those whom we love to feel special. So from then every valentines day we used to buy gifts cute cards and girly stuff not only to friends but also to my parents , sister and grand parents..all those whom I loved..and ofcourse to me too :)

Well, I like all those stuff...the precious thotz...the connexions cards....senti words..stationaries..absolutely not useful stuff are there in my top priority list and well no one anyway is going to buy for me..so I have to pamper myself too....So valentines day was and is special.

Most of my friends including my dear hubby dont believe in celebrating these days...They feel its artificial not in our culture...and every day is special..Ofcourse every day is special..but every day we dont celebrate ..I would love to make each and every day special and when there is a special day coming in..why not celebrate. Ofcourse we love our parents and life partner and friends every day..but everyday do we take time to let them know that we love them..Every day do we take time to stop and think and appreciate all that our loved ones are doing for us...Everyday are we going to surprise them with some silly stuff they like..There are nice moments....everyday in our life..but still by having these days..we just make it more nicer...so whats wrong?

How nice it is to spend time on thinking about what gift to buy to our loved ones...and how to make it a surprise..and then wow..watching that smile when they open it..is priceless..worth a million...

In this busy world where is the time to give surprise to everyone everyday..where is the time to even sit and talk to our parents or long lost friends..so when these days come why to miss it..

So wishing you all a very happy valentines week...Its time to celebrate love...If we are loved by someone we are blessed..especialy if someone loves us unconditionally...for what we are..then we are truly blessed...

So Love All Serve All.

Tell all your loved ones that you love them..and surprise them with your presence.

Happy Valentines Day.

My lost Possession

What is life without some sentiments. Well I know at times it sounds so weird and stupid, but somehow I just couldnt change.
I have lots and lots of small sentiments..harmless to anyone..and the happiness you get out of it is wow priceless.


Be it the exam or be it a interview, be it a special day in the calendar, or be it a day you
want to make special, be it a card given by your best friend or be it even a choclate paper..everything mattered. I had bags and bags of such cards and papers and even gift wrappers. After marriage when we shifted I lost them all. Even now I keep them...
Meeting people close to heart on some important days in another sentiment..:)
Like friendship day or new year or your birthday I believe that if you happen to meet those on those days then the whole of year you will be together.
Anyways this is not about my favorite sentiments...Because right now am feeling sad about something I had lost.

Somehow in our home my parents are not used to give surprise gifts to me and my sis. After I started going to college and started earning part time, I started that culture. Giving surprise gifts to my mom, dad and sis. And on my birthdays I just love to surprise them with gifts. Wow the smile you get to see is just priceless and the happiness you get when you see that smile is...just wow!!! So I am not used to getting gifts from my parents. And the first time I got a gift from them is on my marriage. Actually in our custom, after marriage as a gift parents will gift their daughter a steel cupboard with a locker. It is supposed to bring wealth and you should keep it always.

After the expenses of my marriage I know how difficult it is for them to buy it and since my birthday was immediately after marriage my mom had brought it and gifted it.
Well, by that time steel cupboard with a mirror was out of fashion but who cares..what mattered was the love behind it. When I used to stand in front of the mirror in the cupboard, It used to be like the Harry potters mirror in room of requirement...;)


After some days we moved to Banglore and I did make sure it was safely delivered to Banglore without a crack. Then we moved to Hyderabad and I took it there also. Finally we shited to Singapore, I couldnt bring it there but left it in hyderabad. The cupboard was filled with all my silk sarees i had got in my wedding, my photo albums and all the me stuff. Every time I go to India, that became my storage space.

And then last year when we were thinking of renovating the house, the topic that came is to sell all old stuffs and buy new ones. The first target was my steel cupboard...oops..I literally cried..and told a BIG NO..Everyone said Grow up..it looks so out of place..well the same thing was said about one of the thali am wearing it was bit too big and now a days no one wears it..But who cares..it was given by my mom. And the same applied to the cupboard. So I told a big no to my dearest hubby and my in laws.
Couple of times we had a discussion where I would finally finish it with NO. May be it is stupid sentiment..but somehow I wanted to keep it forever and ever as a keepsake.

Finally last decemeber when I went to India for vacation oops the steel cupboard was not there..I thought since we dont have much space may be they kept in a store room. so I didnt ask anyone about it because I dont wanted to be upset when we have lots of function. Finally I asked my mom in law that I have to take some wedding sarees and where is the steel cupboard...and she told that is all not there..some of the sarees from it she had kept it other wooden cupboard..

Oops..I had lost it..My prized possession what my mom gave along with it there were other cards and gifts and stuff which was inside it..which would look as a garbage for anyone other than me...Am not able to continue writing as already tears are blocking my eyes..
I would may be ask my mom to gift me another one..

Is it worth having such sentiments?

Vacation in Chennai

This time our vacation was too hectic. We had lots to do and I shouldnt even be calling it a vacation. We had 2 weeks leave and in that we had planned our grahapravesam, our daughters ear piercing and our in laws sashtipoorthy (60th wedding).

And since everything is to be done in hyderabad, I was able to stay in chennai only for one day.Am going to chennai after 2 years and get only one day there so I had planned so many things to do in one day.

I had to meet my college friends, school friends, Had to plan a surprise birthday party for my 85 years old granny who is the most active person I had ever met, Had to spend some me time with her, Have to spend as much time possible gossipping with my sis and also with my nephew, have to go to my two favorite temples which always had been part of me till the time I was in chennai, any sorrow or any joy, whether its exam or interview , whether its happy moment or heart broken I would always get
peace of mind there after pouring out my emotions to the divine power, then I have to roam around in pondy bazar and ranganathan street to do road side shopping, have to eat in Murugans Idly shop, and should drink coffee in the road side restaurant balaji bavan where I used to go almost daily in my college days and finallllllllllllyyyy must not miss the Marina beach.

Marina beach - wow if I think of it only i feel excited...just to stand in the water, watching the waves and the moon and stars and what not..its a bliss and I have been there everytime when I had felt lonely or sad and everytime I had to make a decision its Marina....

So with all this TO DO list, I started from Singapore.


What a timing!!!! Our flight got delayed. I think I shouldnt even say delayed it was rescheduled. Instead of starting at 11:0 pm it started only the next day 6:00 am. I really couldnt tolerate the injustice..Between 6:00 am to 8:00 am is when I had planned the temple visits now they are out of question. And then I called up my sis and told her to come to airport with her 8 months baby so I dont miss a second being with them.

Finally we reached Chennai. Wow the feeling you get breathing even the polluted air, is great. Thats what you call the home town :) After reaching home, since I had already missed my moms breakfast, had to settle for mom cooked lunch and filter coffee. When we reached home, by then my daughter was already tired and was cranky and hungry. I couldnt attend any of my friends call because she was almost crying. Finally after making her eat and put her to sleep when I saw the time, It was 3:00. Oh my god..I havent even opened the TO DO list.

Then I called up all my cousins to arrange for the birthday party for my granny. Thankfully it was saturday they were all around and they really helped in that. Then we went to do shopping in pondy bazar. Couldnt do much shopping there becoz of lack of time. But I did go to balaji bavan and had my favorite coffee though. Wow thats one thing done.


We were back around 4:30 pm and then one of my school friends had come and I was spending some time with her By then most of my relatives had come home and so we couldnt go out anywhere. Around 7:00 we managed to decorate and arranged the cake cutting for my granny. It was the best thing, and she was really surprised. Then we planned to go to Marina, but my grandma cant come and she wanted to spend some time with me. So we cancelled the marina.

So thats it. We were back around 11:00 pm put my daughter to sleep and started repacking and then finally spent some time with my parents. Then we started next day to Hyderabad around 6:30 pm. So thats the end of the day in chennai.
This new year, am hoping that we will plan and spend some quality time in Chennai. Hey thats going to be there in my diary for this year TO DO items :)
Time Flies ....

If - Rudyard Kipling

I started to write and started some four topics and left them all incomplete. When I start to write, I never used to get stuck but oops..what hap..
So I wanted to post my favorite poem
Happy New Year to everyone.

If


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!