Journal of Gayathri !!!

Gayathri!!!
Thats what everyone call me. And everyone thinks am the best kid and wish their own kids behave like me. I have a sister who is 5 years younger to me. Ditti. The most naughtiest and cutest kid. And am so proud of her and at time jealous too.What is special today is that Today I have started writing my journal. And tomorrow is my birthday. Thats what everyone says. My mom, dad and my granny says that am born on March 31st. And my mom, dad and sis have gone to do shopping for my birthday. Am at home looking after my grand ma.

All my relatives love to spend time with me. Like I said most of them would tell me..Wish my daughter is like you. Well Behaved. As if I have a choice. I know my mom and dad loves me a lot and I also love them but there is a lot of difference between me and my sis.

My sis can go and hug my mom and my dad and doesnt feel any bit of awkwardness in asking what she wants doing and cries and whines a lot till she gets what she wants. If even she is having a little discomfort she would make sure my mom takes leave. At home even if my dad is watching any news or anything the moment she is in, the TV is hers. She doesnt feel bad and takes my parents for granted. She loves to get all the attention and she gets it too.

My sis is just opposite to me. Most of the time when either am busy with my studies or with some chores of cleaning, Inside there would be a longing to just throw them all and just go and have fun just like she has. At times I had felt why is it that I couldnt demand my parents to let me do whatever I like or ask them to take leave and come to my school for annual day or whatever. But I am not able to do.

My sis is a beautiful girl with fair complexion and she looks the best. People say that she looks exactly like my mom. I am just the opposite. Not so fair and probably average looks. Sometimes I have even heard comments that how is it that we both are just the opposite looking. And I would get a compliment that..But still Gayathri looks so homely. Strange!!! How come most of these people dont even think before they talk.

Well why am I writing today. I dont know. Bust just wanted to share something with my journal that one day I would have someone in life who would love me and take care of me like a princess. And there will be someone who would be only mine and whom I can love without any barrier in my heart.

My parents are back. I will be back in the night to finish this journal. Promise my J.

I am back. Ditti had got two pretty frocks and a jean for my birthday. Even my mom has got a mysore silk saree and a cotton saree. Poor Dad As usual he didnt buy anything for himself. Oh by the way I also got a dress. A yellow and brown combination. I really hated that combination. But I said wow I love this dress. Becoz am well behaved girl.

This is not the real me. I want to have the liberty of telling my parents that I dont like this dress. I want to behave like Ditti like cry and say this dress is yuck get me a new one NOW!!!! But am not able to. Because more than love what I feel is gratitude for them. I know they love me but my heart or mind Dont know which one is it keeps telling me that its not love but generosity.

I know that am blessed inspite of not being blessed. I know that there are thousands or rather millions of kids exploited in orphanage longing for some one to own them while I am blessed to be adopted by someone who loves me a lot and treats me like their own. Still at times some thoughts like this totally unwanted comes into my mind. A longing for a belonging May be. This is the first and Last Journal of my life which would speak about this. And I will end it up abruptly.
I just want to promise myself that may be some day I will make a difference in someones life. And may be some day I would feel more love than gratitue for my parents and get the feeling that they do love me and not just showing me gratitude.
May be I will get the strength to realize that. And may be some day I will have someone with whom I can share my love without any barrier in my heart. Someone who would be totally totally mine and who would consider me too a person of value not because of sympathy not because of generosity. The feeling of being a stranger at your own home is very difficult. It burdens the heart and I feel why am I not given the blessing. I feel angry with God also at times. I am stopping it here Journal for some of the feelings are not to be poured or shared with even a journal.

Gayathri!!!! Gayathri...Wake Up wake up

I woke up so confused to see my mom standing there. She had already taken bath and she looked so fresh and she had just returned from temple. Happy birthday dear. Come take the prasadam. We did archana in your name.

A new dawn. A new beginning. When I looked at her and her eyes all I felt is a mothers love and not gratitude. May be I could never be free with her like Ditti but I realized that I love her with all my heart and I felt so happy.

I just took the journal I wrote and threw it in dustbin. It doesnt matter. Am still part of a family that loves me and I love them all too.

Thats me. Gayathri!!!!

The key chain continued

The Key chain continued...

Today After a long time after more than a year am writing a blog feeling really lonely as if no one would understand me. I dont know why I feel this way. Am not sure is it because of Vanithas thoughts still aching me or is it because I hurt my best friend today because of my never think before you talk attitude or is it because I feel that apart from Vanitha everyone else actually get easily tired of me or my friendship or my love.
Anyway am tired thinking about it and so I am dragging myself to continue the key chain story.

So after Vanitha after I left Lady Sivaswami school I joined Guntur Subbiah Girls school. I was the most unwelcome student there because of my good grades in public exam. I was totally a stranger to that school atmosphere and that is when I saw U..U.Hemalatha and all her friends call her U. She is another Cindrella..just like Vanitha. Her dad expired and mom married someone and so she was staying with her grand ma and with her uncle so she did have a cindrella atmosphere. But what was touching is that she was full of life and enthusiasm. Where Vanitha was intelligent Hema was innocent and absolutely dont care attitude with studies. We became friends within a month and the next month we were best friends.
We started playing badminton and both of us used to go for zonals etc. We were able to laugh at anything and everything and I has spent my best times of my school life with her. Many times I had compromised my studies just for her sake and I became very close to her grand ma. Things were going on fine when I gave her also key chain gift. Why did I even do it. August 20th is her birthday just a day before Anannya was born and I happily gifted her a twin key chain two girls holding each other kind. Thats it..after that she flunked and she took a very different career path and education and we were still keeping in touch which also reduced and now I am absolutely not in touch with her. As I write this I feel I should call her. I had been writing to her before without any reply from her. But now may be I should definitely try to get her number and call her. So that is key chain incident 2.


Actually my main problem is that I get impressed with nice wordings. I was like crazy to the core of good greeting cards and key chains. And in chennai, if you walk across pondy bazar or go to connections or land mark you get wonderful cards and key chains. Well the next thing that happened is with my cousin. Me and my cousin when we were young we would literally fight with each other as if we were Harry and Malfoy. It was fun. But then for his BSRB exam I had given me a all the best card and a key chain. Stupid me. I was praying for him and went to call him from a village which has absolutely no telephone connection. I waited waited and waited to call him and he was busy and didnt have time to answer me. That weekend I went to see him and then I realized that he is too busy with all his new friends that he didnt have any time for me. It didnt even prorbably mattered to him that i travelled all the way to help him with his exams. Who said distance make the heart grow fonder? So thats it. Now also we are in touch with each other but the magic of the friendship we shared is no longer there.


After that it was Jayanthi. Jayanthi is my best friend from my college. She is such a wonderful human being I have ever come across. I had made the same blunder with her and we both were the bestest friends but from the time I started going to Bank that friendship kind of became from best friends to just friends. But still in my heart I know, right now she is the best friend I have and I still consider her the same.

Kavi..Kavi is my friend in Covansys. A typical scorpion guy he is. Very understanding very caring and a very good friend who can never see me upset. To him I had given a key chain as gift and lo..now its a long distance friendship. The only 2 days in a year we call each other is on my birthday and on his birthday. After that actually before that I had a gang of friends Priya, Vino , Bharathi and Prabhu in Vandavasi where I stayed. Prabhu and me were good friends and I literally adored Prabhu. He was a perfectionist and very caring about his parents and also with his friends. He writes wonderful poems and articles.
He gave me a key chain as a gift and that friendship actually broke. Probably that is the only friendship which I had stopped because I got hurt with some words. Even now at times I wonder why did I do it. Because am generally not a person who would end a relationship and i wont get angry easily and even if i get angry or upset it takes only few minutes to get over it. If the other side come and tell me sorry..infact not even a sorry if they just talk to me also I would melt and become best friends. Somehow this one friendship is a one where I got hurt and I never spoke to him again till now. Sometimes I can be so stubborn. Surprise!!!!

So thats it and now I just pray that I dont lose any more relationships because of this key chain sentiment. And I pray God that

God, Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
God, Give me the courage not to be dependent on anyone
God, Give me the strength so I dont suffocate my loved ones
God, Give me some Maturity so I understand my responsibilities
God, Give me the tolerance so I dont hurt anyone
God, Give me the wisdom so I dont complain about anyone or anything

God, Take some rest for I am going to be back with a big list of demands :)

So now..Do you want a key chain from me??? :)

The Key Chain

The key chain sentiment



There is a saying (Really??!!!) that you should not be giving key chains and kerchiefs as gifts to your loved ones. I really dont know why. Have never done any research on that. But somehow it worked in my case. I have lost my very good friends very soon after a key chain incident. Today I was really thinking a lot about it.
May be this would give me a chance to think about all those events and to conclude may be its a sheer co-incidence or may be is it really some sentiment that works for me and sadly only for me.

It started with Vanitha. Vanitha became my best friend when I didnt even know the meaning of Friendship. I had joined 6th standard in a government school and somehow I was not happy. It was a big change for me to get moved from a CBSE school to government school. From a class of 26 to a class of 86. I was upset. And in our school there were 5 sections A and B used to be of English medium and the rest three are of tamil medium. Somehow there was a impression that tamil medium students are very different and not serious about studies. It is with this opinion I had met Vanitha.

I had joined Dance class in school. And when it came to a jadhi after that we were supposed to perform arangetram ie stage performance. Now that means investing 2000 rupees for costume, fees and stage etc. We were six students and when I was excited and went home I learnt from my grand ma that its going to be difficult for my dad to arrange money. I think thats a elder daughter syndrome I decided not to do arangetram. But still was going to the class.After the first few minutes of practise when we had to do the steps for arangetram my teacher used to ask me to step out as am not going to perform in stage. It felt really sad to stand apart and watch every one else dancing that every day ended up in tears. And then I met Vanitha. She was also standing next to me watching the steps and started talking to me.

Vanitha!!! As I write this tears are filling up my eyes and I dont know what should I write about her. She is such a gem of a person. From my 6th standard till my 9th standard she has been my good friend and the irony is that I realized she is my best friend only when I lost her. Well we started talking and her language was just wow for me. Though we dont sit in same class we used to meet in breaks and at time go home together. She would walk with me till the bus stop and then would leave.

Vanitha had a very difficult life. She had lost her mom and because of which her dad married another person. Her step mom treated her well but once she had a daughter of her own and honestly because of economic reasons she had put Vanitha in government school. Its like Vanitha moved from St.Johns to our school We studied in the best school. Though its a government school it had the best teachers and best infra strucutre. I belong to Lady Sivaswami and am so happy and blessed about it.
The one commonality we shared is that, we both moved from CBSE to state syllabus for some reasons which at that age we couldnt understand. Vanitha was very understanding very caring and very very very friendly to me. She would listen to me whatever crap I used to say. She used to motivate me in everything. It was nice having her around me.

In seventh standard is when I was sick frequently. Twice I had to get admitted in hospital for 2 months I had taken break and I didnt even get a chance to see Vanitha. When I came back to school she was there again. Because I couldnt join in dance or drama because of surgery she too didnt join. She would just sit with me. I remember once she was not feeling well and scored only 35 in science. I became so upset that I removed some sheets from my answer page and went and told my science teacher..Oops I forgot her name..lalithambal miss or someone and changed my 85 to 35.
The beatings I got from dad that day ooops...I can never forget. More than that..Vanitha felt very sad about me getting 35 that she didnt talk to me for few days. The one thing I learnt from her is her patience and endurance. It was obvious that she missed her mom and her step mom didnt much treat her well. But she would never complain would always carry a smile with her.

Then in ninth standard our friendship kind of grew strong but at the same time there were lots of difference. I was becoming crazy of IIT and science ofcourse partly because of her because she too had IIT craze. And my grand father expired which I couldnt take it and I cant believe even now the way me and Vanitha had discussed about Life after death on how to make the heart beat after it stopped beating. Is it possible to bring some pressure so many stupid discussions. we both stealthily go to the restricted sections also to see if there are any books on life after death. That is when we both have tried calling the medium etc...and all. Then started I should call it FATE that Nehru stadium was going to be inagurated and we had to participate in the inagural function. There were lots of practises on the exercise and performances which I joined and she didnt. I spent almost 4 to 5 months on that. We will come to school take a bus and go to stadium to pracitse. It was fun fun and only fun. I didnt even had time to miss her. Finally just 3 days before the inagural I had gone to school for taking up a mock test and got some time to see her. She was on leave and I heard that she was not well from her class mates. How sutpid I was that I never realized to even get her address.

But I was busy. And then when I saw her after all this chaos she was looking so pale and totally not well. March 13th..Her birthday..is when I gave her a key chain. It had initials of V and A. It was in a yellow bottle kind stuff. I had gifted her that with a card.

After that exams started. Annual exams started and I couldnt see her. I managed to find her friends just to know that she is not writing. i got really worried. But didnt know that time whom to contact or what happened to her. And last day after I had come out of social studies exam her friend came and told me that Vanithas mom is waiting for me. I had gone to see her and asked what happened. She just told me that Vanitha was not feeling well and she had already taken her TC and that she is no more. And she had mentioned my name to her step mom and asking her to tell me all the best and I am her best friend. She told this and left talking casually about other things.

I am not able to write also as I still feel the shiver. I dont have any memories or any pictures of her. I just remember walking towards the mylapore market road with tears in eyes. I remember directly going to t.nagar to my ammammas house. I was not used much to share any pain with my parents becoz I worried that they will get upset or hurt so instead I went to ammamma. I just stayed there with her. The summer holidays was a mess and I just couldnt come out of the whole mess. I really dont think I could actually write how important she was and how much she meant to me. And I still feel the guilt of not being with her when she has needed me the most without even realizing it.

That time I didnt realize anything. Later I couldnt even continue in that school that I changed my school never going even to the side of Mylapore. Its not that me and Vanitha were always together but still we shared some bond some kind of understanding and commonality. I dont feel like writing anymore about it.

By the way now am relating the key chain to this is actually I myself feel it has got nothing to do with my key chain. But after that with my other friends we have not become enemies but we had parted. Like either by changing jobs or changing countries and so proxmity was not there which indeed makes a person used to the other persons absence and so it makes you feel less need of that person and in the end the friendship that is called THE BEST FRIEND becomes to a HI BYE friend or probably one more friend.

I will continue this key chain sentiment in my next blog as I really need some time to come out of Vanithas memories.

Content Life!!!!

CONTENT LIFE???!!!!

Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.

Yesterday I had been to a friends house for Vinayaka chathurthi pooja. By the time they reached there they were doing bajans. It just reminded me of my parents and how we used to have very frequent bajans at home. It was a lively experience. They were all singing and it didnt matter whether they sing in proper swaram or even whether I understood the lyrics.
But the whole atmosphere was peaceful. And they asked me to sing as well. Generally if someone ask me to sing I would not. Especially in that group everyone were singing so well and are so learned and had good knowledge of music. But somehow I didnt feel a bit of embarrassment. I was so much involved in the pooja and atmosphere, I just felt..God created me and am singing for God and it was so easy. In the end the atmoshphere was good and I felt so peaceful. And when I prayed God there was no give me that or give me this. Its just ask nothing kind of prayer.


When I came back home and I was putting my daughter to sleep. Looking at her face itself was so serene. I was thinking on how many unwanted tensions I was having right now. I cant control the way others think about me and how a person chose to live his life or takes his decision or even talk to me is something which in no way I can control. I cant force someone to live in a way I want to so that I could be happy.Love definitely could not be a reason for creating hiccups in anyones life. Sameway I have no control in the way things currently going on in my work life also. But before it never bothered me but now I am worried of all these small small things. What is wrong with me. Before it never even bothered me if some one spoke rude to me or hurt me. I would ignore it and forget it.I used to even think so much about others. May be they felt that way because of my this behaviour or whatever and just forget forgive and move on atleast so that I dont have to be sad. But now it hurts a lot even small things. And at times certain words spoken hurt just too much.


The first time I ever prayed God and literally demanded for something is when I desperately wanted to have a baby. After my miscarriage I was so upset that I thought the only thing I needed in life is a baby and then I would not have any more things in life. Then I was blessed with a darling princess. Later the only thing I dreaded and prayed is when Pavan had to undergo a lung surgery. I just have to dedicate one write up for that because its really really really very difficult to wait outside a operation theater which was going on for hours without knowing what is happening inside without knowing if he is okay or if he is in pain and accompanying his equally worried old parents outside. The only prayer I had was that he has to come out safe and he should not be in pain. Even that was answered. I think its only only because of God I was able to face that situation. I being a coward myself never really had the courage to face that situation. And that is the time when all my friends atleast whoever I thought had friends had no time to be near me to give me or Pavan a helping hand. And the only option I was left with was my colleagues and all I got from them is a sms if you need anything let us know not even a call.
Actually that time I had built in such a wall around me that I decided never to let anyone close to me and that I dont need anyone. Anyways the point is in both the times God has answered my prayers. And so I should never be complaining of anything in life because apart from those two I didnt have any other expectations. But recently I have started expecting too much in work :).

If I go back FLASHBACK...... I had been a very career oriented person. When I started in SBI in 98, I had to be in a village which gave me lots of time. The first 3 months I took it very slowly trying to compromise with myself. My heart and dream of doing Msc Physics in IIT was not going to happen. And I didnt want to end up as a failure. By sheer luck somehow in the first 6 months in the bank majority of events happened. The internal audit and also somehow Our branch was selected for zonal audit so within 6 months I was like know the end to end operations of Bank. Be it handling the cash counter or deposits counter, be it handling loans or going for field inspection, be it money remittance or withdrawal from the town bank, be it preparing trial balance or balancing main day and GL books I know every thing and could do everything fast. I made some of the boring works like trial balance etc interesting by making it a game and also with some creativity of making the ledgers look good with good writing. The auditors were actually impressed. And two of them even sent me letters about me either becoming a TO or a PO. The only thing I didnt like there was that it was really a totally isolated place and I didnt want to end up just earning some 3000 or something and somehow there the growth seem to happen only if you are in good books of your boss and be a yes boss kind which was never kind of me.


That is when I had got this oppurtunity in IT world in Covansys. Me joining Covansys was a big thing. When I was selected first after a written test and interview I couldnt join becoz I didnt yet complete my graudation. So they said they cannot take me after giving me the offer letter. I had to go back to SBI withdrawing my resignation. But I didnt cry and I was not upset also. I thought if God is doing this he should have a reason. But that year in bank I learnt that I probably should not be in that place at all. It gave me a good oppurtunity to serve old people but there was no exposure and definitly no growth especially me being only 19. So next time again I wrote covansys entrance this time with more clarity that I defnitiely am not going to regret my decision of quitting SBI and joining IT. There was lots of resistance from my parents and relatives because a nationalized bank job seemed to be a charm than a private job. But I was very stubborn. Sometimes If I take a decision I would not even think anymore and be very stubborn at it and lo..I made it the second time also got through the interview and got an oppurtunity in Covanys with UNUM being my first project.

After that there was no stopping me. I wanted to become a team lead within a year of joining and never wanted to be branded as just one more MCA group. So I involved in every activitiy in the project. I had stayed late helped others atleast there was a goal on what I wanted. I wanted to get a onsite exposure and wanted to handle a project independently. And I think when you really know what you want and if your heart is on it no one can stop you. And that is what happened to me. I became a TL infact project owner I still remember the mail sent by my then PM Ravindran Palaniappan. He is such a great person I have ever come across. Then got an onsite and things were all working in the way I expected. It was always work work work and that is when I got a marriage proposal :).

Actually things were not like so straight forward. In my SBI life and covansys days there were lots of every day issues and hiccups and things that bothered me had tried to pull me down. But somehow the goal was clear.

And well before my marriage, I was in singapore and then I had to come back to India in the middle of a project well for getting married. Now that is when I had been thinking on what my priority is. Work or Family. I didnt want him to do any compromise for me and at the same time I thought both of us should not regret any move we make. Because He was working in Germany and I was in Singapore and it didnt seem there is a point that either one of them to move to the other country. So we discussed and finally decided that we both better move to India. And that is when I also decided that I will give priority to family and career comes second. And I did make up my mind for it. So with that...now why am I feeling so worried about my work and about not having clarity and if am actually having a growth in my career or not.

Probably I was actually not putting in much efforts when I joined again after my daughter was born.
But the last one year I had put my heart and soul in a project which I was working on. I think I spent most of my time worrying about conversion and UAT testing and implementation and accounting entries more than I even thought about my princess. But in the end there was some expectations set..May be I felt I would take up more responsibility and probably without my knowledge has been expecting a grwoth in my career.And then it felt like may be am not doing any good job probably and honestly if I think, if I leave the team now..there would be absolutely no impact also. And I dont know what I want to do also because of some constraints am putting on myself. In the end after all this the only thing that comes to my mind is why do I even have to expect anything when I am the one who decided that family comes first.

So that comes down to the very first line.
Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.
Everything depends on the attitude and how we choose to react. So may be thats what Lord Krishna says.
Do your duty without having any attachment to the results!!!!

Songs of Heart Songs of Life

Its not that am from a musical family but music and songs has been part of my life..part of my growing up :). And some songs when I hear now brings in with me lots of memories and touches the heart in a way that at times it leaves some tears in eyes and a ache in heart. And some brings in memories that make you smile and make you feel glad that it did happen.

Actually even my engagement and wedding is also because of one song.
Actually the meeting of my life partner also was because of a song. There was a song in movie azhagi oliyile terivadhu devadhaiya....
And I just loved that song again a no reason love..And my husband then used to listen to this song. I was wondering why a telugu person is listening to this tamil song..and he said he loved this song so much for no reason. I was thrilled. And later I sent him a mail with the meaning of that song thinking that he could enjoy it more if he understood the meaning. Thats how it started and we ended up getting married.

Anywas going back to the flash back.
The first ever song I remember listening is to my uncles song. He used to sing me pullanguzhal koduttha moongilgale..a old cinema song which he used to sing for me as a lullaby.

My mom used to sing some songs like chinna pappa, kuzhandaiyum deivamum apart from other devotional songs for me. She used to sing for me till I sleep infact when I went to India for my pregnancy I asked her to sing me the same songs so that the baby in me can listen to them and now I sing the same songs for my darling princess.

And my dad used to sing lots and lots of devotional songs especially for the whole night also. Every day morning he used to sing doing pooja and then he will sing for us to put us to sleep. So even now if I listen any purandarasa songs then it reminds me of my dad.

Now after that my life was kind of ruled by Ilayaraja. The songs like povoma urgolam, agni natchathiram and especially one of the ever green songs are idhu oru ponmalai pozhudu and ilaya nila..And the one song which I used to listen again and again and again is Malaiyil yarooo mandhododu pesa..Well that reminds me of Swarnalatha and I really feel sad that she is no longer with us.

Especially there were some moments of my life with my cousin. There was a movie varusham 16 and one more ullatthai allitha...Those movie songs are like as if dedicated for him kind. He would enjoy those songs and we had gala time making fun of him with those songs. Even now if I listen to those songs the first thing that would come to my mind is the moments we made fun of him and it brings lots of sweet memories.

Somehow mouna ragam and punnagai mannan songs were again as if meant for dancing.We never had a tape recorder at home so we me and my sis used to go to my ammmammas house and used to listen to our favorite songs. Actually that time most of the songs I listened were the ones my uncle used to listen. That is how agni natchathriram, idayatthai tirudadhe movie songs I came to know of :)

Once in college, wow life changed so much. I had good circle of friends and then its always songs songs songs. Every part of life there is some song or other :)
Tuje yaad na meri ayi from kuch kuch hota hai I dont know how many times I had heard that song and same goes to dil to pagal hai..songs...Just not the songs but also the lyrics added meaning to life and giving wild set of dreams as well :)

The first other language song apart from tamil and Hindi I listened to was one malayalam song. Pramadhavanam veendum..I dont know it was all a pure coincidence. I had gone to a casette shop to search for some songs which we could use for chorus singing and also for dance. And in that shop this song was playing. I didnt understand the meaning of it but some how it felt as if I know this song and it touched my heart in a way that I couldnt really understand. So i asked him to record that song and give me. Later we tried to practise it to sing. This definitely was not a chorus song and my friends gave up and I tried a lot many times but couldnt get the first line itself correct. Never knew.


Later I had joined bank and every week I had to travel around 10 hours in bus and my amammama gifted me a walk man. And in the village I stayed though it lacked most of the basic amenities you wont believe there was a recording place where if you give the list of songs they will record and put in a casette. And with nothing much to do, I had spent my days there busy collecting songs and making them into cassettes. I had such a big collections all were like ANUs Favorite 1,2,3 almost around 10 casettes. Wow What a life.

That is when alaipayuthe and dil se had released. I dont know why the yeh ajnabi song seemed so touching and why snehithane song has to bring in so much of feelings when I was in no way in love with anyone at that time. Still it brought in a lots of dreams and lots of expectations in life.

So songs has been always a part of life. What am I writing. This is really not the one I wanted to write. I totally drifted away from the topic.

Yet currently the song am humming is a telugu song which is for the love of my life.

Nuuvvu Nuvvu Nuvve nuvvu from Kadgam. The song and the meaning was WOW.

Let me stop here and hope probably in my next post atleast I could get what I wanted to write.

Doordarshan :)

DOORDARSHAN




I was talking to my mom yesterday when I heard the music of doordarshan in someones ring tone. It just took me back to years ago..Flash Back!!!!

Life used to be very simple then and yet full of fun. The first television we owned is a small black and white TV - Konark TV. I used to ask my dad , dad why is it our TV is konark and my friends own up solidaire..and which one is the best?. Because in school we used to fight konark is best or solidaire is best :)

The routine at our home starts at 5:30. My grandma would finish cooking dinner and start the TV at 5:30. There used to be kanmani poonga, wonder ballon..sort of kids programmes and then a very boring vayralum vaazhvum on agriculture and around 7:30 there will be news and some tele serials after that. The most watched and wanted is the friday evening 8 pm where we used to have oliyum oliyum which will telecase all new movie songs. Saturdays evening there will be a hindi movie and sunday evening tamil movie. And sundays are definitely fun days. It would start with He man and the master of universe , then disney mickey mouse and then ramayana, idhar udhar, and hum paanch...etc etc :). Later Ramayana to Mahabarath and then to chandrakantha...Wow :)

My uncle used to go to television station to give some programmes on light music. Once he took me with him when I was in second standard. They were recording the kanmani poonga in the TV station, where small kids will come and sing etc. I told my uncle I also want to sing. So later he took me home and then taught me a small song. I still remember the song.

Vaazhthuvom vananguvom...composed by him on Goddess Saraswahti. So on the day of recording, it was full of hungama at home. What dress to wear as if I have one big wardrobe. Finally I borrowed a pink frock from my cousin I was wearing that. And then my mom tied my hair into two plots with red ribbons. You might be wondering how I even remember the color of the ribbon but theres a reason for that. After going to TV station and then the recording was over. I was so happy. Because I was the only one who sang during recording without crying or creating a scene :). So my uncle as a treat took me on top of the light house and also bought me a icecream.

After that it was a long wait on when they are going to telecast it when finally they sent us a notification that its going to be telecasted that wednesday.
This news was broadcasted to whole close and distant and very distant relatives also. And my mom took half a day leave to come home early to watch me in TV. That time my parents also used to take tuitions at home. So one of the kids used to be very very rich. Actually their house seemmed to be a palace. So her mom had come and took me to her home so that I could watch myself in color television. So when the programme started it was in long shot. But when the kid next to me started to sing,I could see my one plot and red ribbon. And I started screaming hey thats me..thats me...and watching myself in TV felt so great :)

And after that for many days, whenever I go to a wedding or any function, well with my grandparents staying with us and with a very big chain of relatives every other week there would be a function and people would call me..and tell..hey..needane tvla vandha(You are the one who came in TV) and I would keep one expression as if they are asking autograph from me..:)

After that one day our konark TV picture tube POP..bursted. And then dad said..Anu..its not konark.its solidarie which is a good TV and he came home with a mini TV. By then I was in 6th standard in high school so that craziness of fighting whose is best was gone.

And then cable TV mania started where if you take connection you could see one movie every day. Thankfully we didnt do any of that sort and my dad was very strict against all those. Even the regular sunday movie he would check the censor certificate. I guess he had been more strict than those in censor board also. If he sees even a small 'a' anywhere in the certificate which will actually be shown in TV only for seconds he would not let us watch the movie :)

And till my college lifes we were away of this sun tv or any channels. It was always and only doordarshan that was part of our life. But slowly that changed. And we took cable connection out of peer pressure !!! ;-)

Then things changed. It was always full of confusion. Whoever owns the remote cant control the urge of changing it to another channel to make sure that we are not going to miss some better programme. The peacefulness of watching doordarshan was not there.

Probably a simple life is a content one too :)

After that my relationship with doordarshan was very minimal. Till my college days I had been there the TV station near Marina couple of times as part of chorus singing.
Infact once they divided us in three groups, high pitch, low and medium. I was part of high pitch. On the day of recording in the TV station, my voice suddenly was gone. We are supposed to sing one humming..aaah aaa...a...aaaaah...aaaa...
And my voice stood out and my music teacher then told me..you are not going to sing..you just do lip movement okay. I was standing in the middle..and she made me to stand in the back. I was almost in tears. And we had to sing three songs, on sun, moon and stars and I was stupidly standing in the back doing just lip movement. That was one worst experience.

Hey how can I forget to even mention about the films division presents....Ek Anek, Chulbuli and mile sur mera tumhara..These are some songs when you listen to it takes you to the small home where we lived bringing in lots of good old memories.

I dont know somehow there is something missing. The happiness in watching one doordarshan was now missing even with having 100s of channels. Our kids already are exposed to 100s of cartoon characters barney,Dora,Toystory, Ben10, spider man..when all we used to know was just spider man spider man.

Well..Missing Doordarshan and Missing Home!!!

The MRT RIDE

THE MRT RIDE



Its been long time since I took an MRT alone. Being very lazy and the last minute prep person, I never really will have time to take MRT so I would be rushing for a cab. And even if I take MRT, I would be with my friends busy chatting and if at all am alone which was in my pre-marriage days I used to be totally involved in a book most of the time even missing my stop.

Last week after my class I had taken MRT surprisingly alone and was not even having any book in hand to read. Somehow in India I used to enjoy the train rides observing people around me. Singapore mostly it would be like everyone would be busy with their iphones/PSPs etc so whats there to observe people. But this time lucky I am I get to see how busy and how different everyone lives are.

I noticed a couple with two kids and may be they are going to changi airport with luggages. The baby was so chubby and cute and was trying to get away from the stroller while their son was asking so many questions to his dad. His mom was continously having a worried and kind of irritated look with so many dont do this / that to both her kids. For a minute I felt it was like me...I used to do the same with my daughter being over protective...Oops..does it look so irritating to others and may be to Pavan of me being a constant NOI..NOI..;) Next to them a lady a singaporean with Indian origin(based on looks) was pretending to sleep. The boy was being playful and was moving beside this lady and she was not giving him place and really was acting as if she were sleeping. I was thinking how mean she should be to behave like that with a kid...May be my thoughts were too loud the minute I thought it she turned around and looked at me with a mind your own biz look. Was she a vampire or what :)

Then next to me was sitting a very old lady must be in her late eighties and a old man was standing. She was constantly looking into the old man and telling something. Everytime there was a seat vacant she would call him giving a worried look and ask him to sit. She was actually finding it difficult to tell that also. Finally that old man came and told her Mom Am fine okay..I want to stand..Actually I was really touched..Well however old your son may be for a mom he still remains a child.

Two extremes...I saw two moms one with a 5 year son and the other with almost 50 plus year kid and both shared the same commonality...a worried look in their face for their kids..Moms never change :)

Then there was a dad and son standing. The dad must be in late fourties and the son must be actually almost in 20s and the irony is that the son seemed to be mentally handicapped. He was not holding anything and trying to stand and the father was trying so hard to make him hold something and balance. He was totally in smiles at times looking puzzled and at times feeling dazed. And whenever he smiled even the dad smiled showing him something. It left a strange ache in me. I asked him if he wants to sit but he said he has to get down in the very next stop. It leaves me with the feeling that when almost everything is alright with us we still complain about all small things when there are people who has every right to complain just walk away smiling enduring things. May be thats why attitude matters.

Opposite to me was a serious woman sitting and reading a big book. I tried hard to find out what she was reading. Curiosity boss!!! what to do. But could never succeed in that.

And then I saw some kids getting inside chatting happily and bullying each other as well. They were all wearing the same kind of t-shirt but no names in it. Probably went for a competition or something. Nostalgia...:( Missing good old golden days
Each one having a mobile phone and planning for outing and were quite loud as well.
Most of the time in a group of students there is a person who always look cheerful and one person quite reserved. It was the same in todays case also.

Anyways thats it by then I had to get down. But this is the first time I got to see some lively scenes in singapore MRT.

Have you ever heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn't you with that you could go back into time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Those are songs that are the soundtrack of our lives... the ones that bring back childhood memories, best friends, first love, first heartbreak... the memories.

Are you thinking what is this got to do with the MRT journey :)
Thats the prologue for my next blog :)

Sometimes

Sometimes, Knowingly or unknowingly we hurt the feelings of others. And there are some in the name of being straight forward try and hurt others. I was thinking about my ammamma today. My mom called me and started crying. She was telling me that she was reading my ammammas old diaries.I am the eldest grand daughter of hers and for my marriage my mom had bought a cotton saree for my grand ma. Actually my grand ma was very thin and she wasnt keen on silk sarrees. So thinking about the comfort factor my mom had got her a cotton saree. And my ammamma had written in her diary that she was so upset and in tears that her daughter had given her only a cotton saree probably because she was a widow etc. Actually when my marriage was fixed I was in singapore. When I came back I went to pothys in chennai along with my friend and took my ammamma also and had got her a silk saree which probably my mom forgot. But reading this diary now..she was very upset..and what could she do to change it. There is no choice. Even after I telling her that I had got her a silk saree she was not convinced. And somehow the very same day her maid had come to her and asked that she dont have sarees and if my mom can give her one. It was such a big coincidence and my mom immediately went and gave her some nice sarress including silk sarees and she told me that only then she got some peace. she felt its ammamma who is asking for saree. Somehow this made a big impact to me. Most of the times we really hurt the feelings of our near and dear ones. And especially if someone is very close to us we dont mind speaking to them whatever we want and may be it hurt them. We might even feel that its okay tomorrow if I tell sorry things should become okay as most of the time it would be some emotional outbursts..But what if that tomorrow never comes for the other person. Will it not impact us throughout our lives.
Thats why its really important not to hurt anyones feelings.
Every one has one life and a right to live it in the way they chose to.
When we start judging people where is the time left to love them?