Content Life!!!!

CONTENT LIFE???!!!!

Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.

Yesterday I had been to a friends house for Vinayaka chathurthi pooja. By the time they reached there they were doing bajans. It just reminded me of my parents and how we used to have very frequent bajans at home. It was a lively experience. They were all singing and it didnt matter whether they sing in proper swaram or even whether I understood the lyrics.
But the whole atmosphere was peaceful. And they asked me to sing as well. Generally if someone ask me to sing I would not. Especially in that group everyone were singing so well and are so learned and had good knowledge of music. But somehow I didnt feel a bit of embarrassment. I was so much involved in the pooja and atmosphere, I just felt..God created me and am singing for God and it was so easy. In the end the atmoshphere was good and I felt so peaceful. And when I prayed God there was no give me that or give me this. Its just ask nothing kind of prayer.


When I came back home and I was putting my daughter to sleep. Looking at her face itself was so serene. I was thinking on how many unwanted tensions I was having right now. I cant control the way others think about me and how a person chose to live his life or takes his decision or even talk to me is something which in no way I can control. I cant force someone to live in a way I want to so that I could be happy.Love definitely could not be a reason for creating hiccups in anyones life. Sameway I have no control in the way things currently going on in my work life also. But before it never bothered me but now I am worried of all these small small things. What is wrong with me. Before it never even bothered me if some one spoke rude to me or hurt me. I would ignore it and forget it.I used to even think so much about others. May be they felt that way because of my this behaviour or whatever and just forget forgive and move on atleast so that I dont have to be sad. But now it hurts a lot even small things. And at times certain words spoken hurt just too much.


The first time I ever prayed God and literally demanded for something is when I desperately wanted to have a baby. After my miscarriage I was so upset that I thought the only thing I needed in life is a baby and then I would not have any more things in life. Then I was blessed with a darling princess. Later the only thing I dreaded and prayed is when Pavan had to undergo a lung surgery. I just have to dedicate one write up for that because its really really really very difficult to wait outside a operation theater which was going on for hours without knowing what is happening inside without knowing if he is okay or if he is in pain and accompanying his equally worried old parents outside. The only prayer I had was that he has to come out safe and he should not be in pain. Even that was answered. I think its only only because of God I was able to face that situation. I being a coward myself never really had the courage to face that situation. And that is the time when all my friends atleast whoever I thought had friends had no time to be near me to give me or Pavan a helping hand. And the only option I was left with was my colleagues and all I got from them is a sms if you need anything let us know not even a call.
Actually that time I had built in such a wall around me that I decided never to let anyone close to me and that I dont need anyone. Anyways the point is in both the times God has answered my prayers. And so I should never be complaining of anything in life because apart from those two I didnt have any other expectations. But recently I have started expecting too much in work :).

If I go back FLASHBACK...... I had been a very career oriented person. When I started in SBI in 98, I had to be in a village which gave me lots of time. The first 3 months I took it very slowly trying to compromise with myself. My heart and dream of doing Msc Physics in IIT was not going to happen. And I didnt want to end up as a failure. By sheer luck somehow in the first 6 months in the bank majority of events happened. The internal audit and also somehow Our branch was selected for zonal audit so within 6 months I was like know the end to end operations of Bank. Be it handling the cash counter or deposits counter, be it handling loans or going for field inspection, be it money remittance or withdrawal from the town bank, be it preparing trial balance or balancing main day and GL books I know every thing and could do everything fast. I made some of the boring works like trial balance etc interesting by making it a game and also with some creativity of making the ledgers look good with good writing. The auditors were actually impressed. And two of them even sent me letters about me either becoming a TO or a PO. The only thing I didnt like there was that it was really a totally isolated place and I didnt want to end up just earning some 3000 or something and somehow there the growth seem to happen only if you are in good books of your boss and be a yes boss kind which was never kind of me.


That is when I had got this oppurtunity in IT world in Covansys. Me joining Covansys was a big thing. When I was selected first after a written test and interview I couldnt join becoz I didnt yet complete my graudation. So they said they cannot take me after giving me the offer letter. I had to go back to SBI withdrawing my resignation. But I didnt cry and I was not upset also. I thought if God is doing this he should have a reason. But that year in bank I learnt that I probably should not be in that place at all. It gave me a good oppurtunity to serve old people but there was no exposure and definitly no growth especially me being only 19. So next time again I wrote covansys entrance this time with more clarity that I defnitiely am not going to regret my decision of quitting SBI and joining IT. There was lots of resistance from my parents and relatives because a nationalized bank job seemed to be a charm than a private job. But I was very stubborn. Sometimes If I take a decision I would not even think anymore and be very stubborn at it and lo..I made it the second time also got through the interview and got an oppurtunity in Covanys with UNUM being my first project.

After that there was no stopping me. I wanted to become a team lead within a year of joining and never wanted to be branded as just one more MCA group. So I involved in every activitiy in the project. I had stayed late helped others atleast there was a goal on what I wanted. I wanted to get a onsite exposure and wanted to handle a project independently. And I think when you really know what you want and if your heart is on it no one can stop you. And that is what happened to me. I became a TL infact project owner I still remember the mail sent by my then PM Ravindran Palaniappan. He is such a great person I have ever come across. Then got an onsite and things were all working in the way I expected. It was always work work work and that is when I got a marriage proposal :).

Actually things were not like so straight forward. In my SBI life and covansys days there were lots of every day issues and hiccups and things that bothered me had tried to pull me down. But somehow the goal was clear.

And well before my marriage, I was in singapore and then I had to come back to India in the middle of a project well for getting married. Now that is when I had been thinking on what my priority is. Work or Family. I didnt want him to do any compromise for me and at the same time I thought both of us should not regret any move we make. Because He was working in Germany and I was in Singapore and it didnt seem there is a point that either one of them to move to the other country. So we discussed and finally decided that we both better move to India. And that is when I also decided that I will give priority to family and career comes second. And I did make up my mind for it. So with that...now why am I feeling so worried about my work and about not having clarity and if am actually having a growth in my career or not.

Probably I was actually not putting in much efforts when I joined again after my daughter was born.
But the last one year I had put my heart and soul in a project which I was working on. I think I spent most of my time worrying about conversion and UAT testing and implementation and accounting entries more than I even thought about my princess. But in the end there was some expectations set..May be I felt I would take up more responsibility and probably without my knowledge has been expecting a grwoth in my career.And then it felt like may be am not doing any good job probably and honestly if I think, if I leave the team now..there would be absolutely no impact also. And I dont know what I want to do also because of some constraints am putting on myself. In the end after all this the only thing that comes to my mind is why do I even have to expect anything when I am the one who decided that family comes first.

So that comes down to the very first line.
Why is it we never feel content with life. Why there is always some expectation and list of requirements to God.
Everything depends on the attitude and how we choose to react. So may be thats what Lord Krishna says.
Do your duty without having any attachment to the results!!!!