Journal of Gayathri !!!

Gayathri!!!
Thats what everyone call me. And everyone thinks am the best kid and wish their own kids behave like me. I have a sister who is 5 years younger to me. Ditti. The most naughtiest and cutest kid. And am so proud of her and at time jealous too.What is special today is that Today I have started writing my journal. And tomorrow is my birthday. Thats what everyone says. My mom, dad and my granny says that am born on March 31st. And my mom, dad and sis have gone to do shopping for my birthday. Am at home looking after my grand ma.

All my relatives love to spend time with me. Like I said most of them would tell me..Wish my daughter is like you. Well Behaved. As if I have a choice. I know my mom and dad loves me a lot and I also love them but there is a lot of difference between me and my sis.

My sis can go and hug my mom and my dad and doesnt feel any bit of awkwardness in asking what she wants doing and cries and whines a lot till she gets what she wants. If even she is having a little discomfort she would make sure my mom takes leave. At home even if my dad is watching any news or anything the moment she is in, the TV is hers. She doesnt feel bad and takes my parents for granted. She loves to get all the attention and she gets it too.

My sis is just opposite to me. Most of the time when either am busy with my studies or with some chores of cleaning, Inside there would be a longing to just throw them all and just go and have fun just like she has. At times I had felt why is it that I couldnt demand my parents to let me do whatever I like or ask them to take leave and come to my school for annual day or whatever. But I am not able to do.

My sis is a beautiful girl with fair complexion and she looks the best. People say that she looks exactly like my mom. I am just the opposite. Not so fair and probably average looks. Sometimes I have even heard comments that how is it that we both are just the opposite looking. And I would get a compliment that..But still Gayathri looks so homely. Strange!!! How come most of these people dont even think before they talk.

Well why am I writing today. I dont know. Bust just wanted to share something with my journal that one day I would have someone in life who would love me and take care of me like a princess. And there will be someone who would be only mine and whom I can love without any barrier in my heart.

My parents are back. I will be back in the night to finish this journal. Promise my J.

I am back. Ditti had got two pretty frocks and a jean for my birthday. Even my mom has got a mysore silk saree and a cotton saree. Poor Dad As usual he didnt buy anything for himself. Oh by the way I also got a dress. A yellow and brown combination. I really hated that combination. But I said wow I love this dress. Becoz am well behaved girl.

This is not the real me. I want to have the liberty of telling my parents that I dont like this dress. I want to behave like Ditti like cry and say this dress is yuck get me a new one NOW!!!! But am not able to. Because more than love what I feel is gratitude for them. I know they love me but my heart or mind Dont know which one is it keeps telling me that its not love but generosity.

I know that am blessed inspite of not being blessed. I know that there are thousands or rather millions of kids exploited in orphanage longing for some one to own them while I am blessed to be adopted by someone who loves me a lot and treats me like their own. Still at times some thoughts like this totally unwanted comes into my mind. A longing for a belonging May be. This is the first and Last Journal of my life which would speak about this. And I will end it up abruptly.
I just want to promise myself that may be some day I will make a difference in someones life. And may be some day I would feel more love than gratitue for my parents and get the feeling that they do love me and not just showing me gratitude.
May be I will get the strength to realize that. And may be some day I will have someone with whom I can share my love without any barrier in my heart. Someone who would be totally totally mine and who would consider me too a person of value not because of sympathy not because of generosity. The feeling of being a stranger at your own home is very difficult. It burdens the heart and I feel why am I not given the blessing. I feel angry with God also at times. I am stopping it here Journal for some of the feelings are not to be poured or shared with even a journal.

Gayathri!!!! Gayathri...Wake Up wake up

I woke up so confused to see my mom standing there. She had already taken bath and she looked so fresh and she had just returned from temple. Happy birthday dear. Come take the prasadam. We did archana in your name.

A new dawn. A new beginning. When I looked at her and her eyes all I felt is a mothers love and not gratitude. May be I could never be free with her like Ditti but I realized that I love her with all my heart and I felt so happy.

I just took the journal I wrote and threw it in dustbin. It doesnt matter. Am still part of a family that loves me and I love them all too.

Thats me. Gayathri!!!!