Monday, November 17, 2014

I Me Myself

One two three four five and six... Well that's the countless number of times I have counted the number of poles in the window. When you have nothing to do nothing to keep you busy this is how you keep yourself busy. May be I should start counting the number of  revolutions of the fan.

 Oh I hear some foot steps. Whenever I hear foot steps I am filled with three different emotions at the same time. First there is a hope that may be some near and dear one is here to visit me. Near one oh come on who am I fooling. To my knowledge this home is far off from city. Dear ones now that's a million dollar question.

Secondly there is a feeling of embarrassment. It feels quite weird to have myself cleaned by some third person. But well at least that would make the stench of self tolerable. Oh how I long for a hot shower. How I never took time to enjoy the shower when I could. Now the third strongest feeling is fear. Fear if it is he footsteps of the God of death. Fear of unknown.

I was wrong. It was none of them. Someone walked past my room. I think the feeling of I the ego the pride all of it stays with us as long as we are healthy. With old age the most fearful feeling is to be left alone. To be without partner. The only thing am left with now is the feeling of I and some memories.

If I replay my life from the beginning I am left with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and if nots and buts and if onlys. I was blessed with everything. Good Parents, Partner, Job, Kids, Health and a decent income. But I never waited to count my blessings. Where I could have been busy loving people I was too much busy judging people and holding grudges. Well like I said if you are blessed with everything you are left with too much of pride and ego.

I am The Husband and the minute I married I felt that is enough qualification for me to judge and to guard my wife. I was constantly trying to make her a better person (well now I realize she was always from the beginning a better person) and in that process I forgot the hurt I was inflicting on her. I admired her care for me and I have secretly felt amazed at her enthusiasm in going out of the way in making every festival a memorable one. She was never tired of having guests and infact without her my house would remain a mere house not a home. But did I take time to let her know that? No..Sadly we always take for granted the people who matter the most. I never thought it is even required to let her know that I loved her and I thought I should never make her my priority. What if  people brand me as being henpecked. May be she left this world without even knowing I did love her.

My kids. Kids are meant to be naughty. Kids are meant to be messy. Kids are those who add meaning to our lives. I know it but didn't realize it. I was constantly yelling at them to make sure the house is free of mess and the wall is free of their scribbling and demanding the respect in every turn of their lives. In the end I achieved what I wanted out of force but I lost their love for me. Where I should have showed them how to live with my actions I was using words.

There is no point in doing things but what is important is doing the right thing at the right time.
I was born a human being but failed in being human. I used to feel the most important person around me is me, myself and then put everyone else after me.Now in the end when am waiting for my end am here all alone in this room counting my days .

Oh I hear footsteps again. And this time it is oh wait. Its dark in the night. No one around. Why am I hearing foot steps. Did I tell you whenever I hear footsteps I am filled with three different emotions all at the same time.....

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Raksha Bandhan - Part 5

You might have watched in movies how a poor hero will become super rich in one song...Honestly that's how my wedding took place within 2 weeks. As usual they matched horoscopes and when they had to find a date for engagement n wedding either the wedding should happen in 2 weeks or we got to wait another 8 months. I was OK to wait...thought to have a sweet courtship days...But Maddy was so keen for within 2 weeks.. I was thrilled seeing him desperate...but mom n dad were under tremendous pressure...thanks to my dear brother who gave them all support.

Trust me in those 2 weeks I could hardly talk to Maddy...I had to do shopping , invite friends, apply leave , pack stuff as after wedding 2 weeks we will be in Banglore and nothing decided on what to do after ...My sensible brother did tell me to discuss with Maddy about it but I wanted to postpone that discussion. So with all due hectic work the marriage is done and we were now sitting in train going to Banglore.

Generally I prefer sitting in window seat and reading a book in train. Pranav used to irritate me but it was fun. This time mom dad n Pranav were sitting opposite to me. I was sitting next to window and Maddy was sitting next to me and was busily chatting with his mom who sat next to him. I was kind of feeling very lonely .. Going to a new place and I suddenly felt like a stranger to my own family.. Mom and dad looked very tired..the two weeks had taken its toll on them...I felt like crying..I saw Pranav who was looking at me with a caring look.. I managed to smile ...
Madan... Yar come let's go to the food cabin and get some hot elaichi tea... Shalu loves it .. He winked :-)
My Mil reacted first.. My son don't like coffee or tea...
Pranav expected Maddy to say something but he smiled and nodded to his mom..
I started getting more worried... Have I put myself in trouble..But thankfully Maddy put his arms around me and said let me taste the chai for Shalu likes it ...
Come Pranav let's go get it.. Uncle , Aunty will u have some as well...
I felt relieved :-)
My dear queen Shalu.. U also come to buy ... Coz we need helping hands..
More than me Pranav looked happy :-)
Finally we reached Banglore and I stepped into the new house which would become my home!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Raksha Bandhan - Part 4

There were tears in my eyes...OMG it was just a dream..well no nightmare I would say...I couldn't sleep properly and was indeed very nervous.
Now read what I said before everything happened in a same way...we were waiting for more than 15 minutes and they finally arrived. Oh no indeed he looked very very handsome ... He gave me a smile and became busy chatting with Pranav...I liked it and his mom My god she was looking at me so intensely like I felt as if she is peeling me with her eyes. Oh God is it a rule that you may not like your MIL at the first sight.Finally they let me and Madhan ( after yesterdays nightmare dont want to call him Maddy) to speak and gave some time on our own.
He said hey Shalu .. Hope it's ok to call u like that. I want to tell you something serious.
I felt like a replay and merely nodded...
He continued I don't know why when I saw you at Arjun's place I was like you know dumbfounded. I am actually bit reserved .. Don't know how to live life :-) you were amazing... So happily chatting with everyone ... Pulling everyone... Playing with kids... Serving food... Taking care of elders...being with groom... Dancing beautifully... U were like everywhere at the same time ... Really Great...I just fell in love with it and I hope you will teach me to live my life being with me... But only if you want to...
From the time am here you were like nervous or looked tensed ... Are you ok... U don't like me????
I blushed... Immediately I told him about the dream and all that tension I had.. Oh no am really a chatter box...
But he made me feel comfy...
Pranav.. Sorry to disturb but it's been an hour now and may be you guys can continue later..
We smiled and without forgetting exchanged our numbers. I saved it as Maddy :-)

Monday, February 11, 2013

Being Mom

Being mom - A working mom
It feels blessed lying next to my daughter and seeing her having a peaceful sleep cuddling me. If being a mom is blessing being a working mom ... Am not sure if it is a blessing. You feel guilty if you don't spend required time with the kids. Indeed being a working mom is quite challenging...
There is a clash between an important meeting at work and a informal meeting at school. I wouldn't really want to miss anything at my daughter school but then when u go late you get to face your boss's wrath :-)
Apart from that there are quite a number of stuff to send on time. Then comes another biggest challenge of what to pack for lunch. Is it healthy... Is it tasty...will she like it..
And then comes the homework... By the time you reach home n fresh up and feed dinner n have dinner it is 9 pm and the kid is toooo sleepy. You then start doing homework then really it ends up being stressful..
So how to make it less stressful...
1.cook only once better in the morning so when u return home you can spend whatever energy left on kids
2.Keep uniform , lunch box and all school stuff ( including socks) ready the previous night
3.No matter what see the school bag the first thing u go home to see what homework or instructions are there so you can plan your time
4.Better to avoid TV and better to talk to them and find what's happening in school
5.Make friendship with her friends moms. This would become blessing.. I couldn't do it still coz of work timings
6.Better to be a member of school parent club so you get first hand information
7. Make sure the kid sleeps by 9 so you have an hour to prepare for next day
8. Take enough rest in bus/train when you commute ..thats ur me time
9.Make sure to sleep 8 hours
10.better to have an hourly plan for working days.
So all the best to all those working moms !!!!

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Raksha Bandhan - Part 3

Well..the D day is tomorrow...Am going to see Maddy... Not really sure what exactly am's a complete mixture of nervousness, excitement and anxiety... 3 in 1...

Shalu... Come and select one...that's my amma.. She seemed to be more worried than me..she had kept 10 different sarees with jewellery set...
Shaluma...choose what you want to wear tomorrow...
Amma...please no sarees u know very well I feel uncomfortable...already am kind of feeling uncomfy abt the whole thing ..
Shalu ... U have to wear saree... U will look good...listen to me da
Even before I could protest Pranav came home... Mom... Urgent filter coffee pl..
He looked at me and laughed what is all this exhibition....have you decided to scare the poor soul...
Come on da Anna ... As if I want to!!!
Ok listen put all these things away...wear the same salwar that you wore on that wedding...
Brilliant !!!!! I think that's better...
Pranav smiled at me... Hey Shalu don't worry too much :-)
Now I felt better too..
Dei Pranav... Can I ask u something..
What da...
Why r u being so nice to me suddenly... R u ok?? Its boring without fighting with u...
He smiled and touched my hair ..Shalu..Madhan is in Banglore... I guess I have already started missing u.. So don't want to fight...but of course I love fighting with u too
He left gulping the coffee that mom gave but then even I felt that strange ache in the heart...
Time ticked away quite fast... We were waiting in the temple for Maddy's family...for a change even Pranav Was dressed decently...after around 15 minutes when Pranav was visibly getting irritated they came and I saw him .... Is this what u call dumbfounded!!! He was looking verrrryyyyyyyy handsome much much better than what he looked in pic ... Honestly even better than how Karthi( u know the movie actor Surya's bro!!!)...Pranav murmured to me.. Hello.... Close your mouth!!!
After basic exchange the elders ha ha I am including Pranav in the list asked me n Maddy to go around the temple and talk to each other!!!!
Honestly I felt very shy... Me n my Maddy started to go around the temple all in silence... I thought he will speak but he was also quite... Or may be is he shy or did he not like me... Various thoughts revolved around me...
Then he said Hi Shalini... I said you can call me Shalu.. People close to me call me like that... The minute I said that I felt embarrassed OMG what would he think of me!!!!
He smiled n said first of all I am very sorry!!!!
And I need to talk to you seriously!!!
My god is he another version of Pranav...
I said am listening...
Ok he said.. See there has been a confusion... I saw a girl in red dress in Arjun's wedding... And my parents misunderstood that it was you.. When they told me they have spoken to the girls parents and have arranged a meeting I didn't even ask them your name or even your photo... I was so excited I thought I should personally talk to her after this meeting...only after I saw you here I realised they made a mistake.. It was really a love at first sight.. Hope u understand ... I am really sorry!!!!
I can't even put it in words how ashamed I felt... I had almost imagined this stranger in front of me as mine...I broke down and with tears literally ran towards my big brother Pranav who was looking at me from far...

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Raksha Bandhan - Part 2

Madhan... Well name sounds ok...May be I can give a pet name Madu...yuck sounds more feminine... Well ya I can call him my fav hero...
His looks..Actually ya he looks boy next u know surya,s brother..the minute u look at him u feel protective of not bad looking at the pic I kind of liked him..well when it comes to my looks I guess God got confused whether I should be made beauty or beast and made me in between..a very plain looking ... My only forte is my enthusiasm n my brains which is inside..and so u can not like me by just looking at me.. U need to talk to me..
Wait a sec.. Oh my God which pic of mine did amma gave to Madhan.. Oh God rejection is on itself a pain and to be rejected by this so called Madhan for a reason which is totally not under my control my looks sounded so cruel...
Ammmmaaaaa!!!!! I screamed which pic of mine u gave to the guy....
Even before my mom could say something Pranav intervened....
Amma.. She is right...Even am worried now... What would happen if Madhan is weak hearted!!! What I'd he gets scared or if he gets depression... Oh no!!!!!
Deiiiiiii Anna !!!! I wish I could use all bad words on Pranav but that could wait now....
Amma!!!! Tell please...
By then Pranav literally pulled my hand and took me to my room...
Hey Nutcase sis ... Listen now..Madhan had seen you in our cousins wedding ... He got impressed with your over enthu talking , dancing and sense of humour... I guess he didn't realise that it was not sense of humour but you actually are mad ;-)...
I was surprised!!! What !!! Are you really telling the truth???
Yes my dear Shailu :-)
By then I felt good about myself... It feels nice when someone unknown to you starts liking u :-) and I guess I started liking my Maddy more :-)
Now stop blushing ... Smiled my brother!!!
For a change I need to talk to you seriously ...
Now I was more surprised... In my entire life time Pranav had spoken something serious only twice.. First time when he had to console me for not getting Engineering and second time when he made me do MCA regular course...So this is the third time and for a change I listened to him..
He put his hands around me in a very protective way and started telling me .. Shalu ... See don't get into emotions like waw he loves me and I like him and all that... U r going to complete MCA this year.. U have already got a Job thru placement.. So think well.., talk to the guy and his parents and only if you like him and his family we will proceed.. See tomorrow evening they are coming to temple and we too will go there so you both can meet and we can meet his family ... Mom n dad might hurry things up but remember jokes apart ur brother is always forever there for you... So I will support you in every step of your life and I don't Want my Sis to worry for anything ok... He gave me a hug and left...
I guess I even saw some tears in his eyes...I felt like a little girl holding on to her big brother... There were tears even in my eyes ...
Wow :-) I could never be more happy .. First came to know my Maddy likes me... Oh God what's happening I guess am already falling in love with him and second ... My brother Pranav his care and love ...I never realised he cared so much... And there is so much love hidden beneath all those fights :-)....
My girl friend Shalu will u even bother to show me ur Madhan photo ... Am already jealous of him ... That's my granddad...
Smiling I went near him thinking why need a sis when you have such a loving brother :-)
To be continued...

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Raksha Bandhan - Part 1

Dei..Anna...Wake Up Where is my gift. I was screaming on top of my voice and literally was jumping on my still sleeping brother. I know he will wake up scream, scold and definitely going to punch me.

Well before I go on, let me take a break and give you a brief note about me and my family. I am Shalini (everyone calls me shalu) doing my final year MCA and already got a job through placement.And have one brother Pranav three years elder to me working in IT. Mom Lakshmi house wife and dad Raghu working in central government and my grand dad who pampers me the most. My day always starts with a small or big fight with my brother , a minimum of two to three curses from mom, angry look from my dad and a loving hug and support from my grand dad. So far life has been smooth and well when you get so much love and affection at home why do you have to search for love outside love no boy friends..Thats me..Today is Raksha Bandhan a big event at my home since my mom also got three brothers and me got Pranav to Bug :-). So am late already let me go and trouble him.

Pranav!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP...WHERE IS MY GIFT!!!!! (For last 22 years I dont know how he manages to give me a Rakhi gift which I absolutely would not like). Let me see today. I too have made a Rakhi with big rose flower and yellow thread..Impossible for him to wear and go to work ;-). Dei Pranav Wake up wake up where is my gift.

Hey Shalu!!! you woke up
..first tie me Rakhi dear then I will gift you.

For a second I was shocked. Is that Pranav talking like that. Is he okay? Before I could recover from the was my mom.

Pranav..What happened why are you scolding Shalu even today. Shaluma..what happened da..

Hey Shalu. You woke up. Lakshmi first you go and bring nice filter coffee for her...Shalu ma..go da..first you brush, have coffee take bath and then tie Rakhi for your brother. also get ready fast how long you will make Shalu wait for you.

I think am going to faint now. Whats wrong with everyone.

Pranav!!!! I called my brother.

Yes da Shalu. what happened?

Pranav...Am I going to die of brain tumor or any cancer or anything.

Stupid Shalu. Shut up. Why are you blabbering such things on a good day.

Then..Whats wrong why are you all behaving like so different to me.

Shalu Nothing like that..I have a surprise for you. First you tie me Rakhi.

Finally after prayers all my uncles also had come. Mom tied Rakhi for her brothers(my uncles). Everyone were happy and I did tie the big pink ugly Rakhi to my brother Pranav..and he said thanks..!!!! Thanks!!! whats wrong with him..then I told him..okay I never expected such Gandhian expression from you. I removed that big pink Rakhi and tied the good one I had actually got for him.

He smiled and said okay now ..this is my gift for you..Come out..

I cant believe my eyes..It was the scooty I was asking dad for long...

Wow!!!!!!!! I cant believe this...

Pranav smiled and said..Compensation for last 22 years of bad gifts :-).

I couldnt control my excitement and started to college forgetting the morning events.

The answer to the suspense came within 2 days. It was Mom who broke the news to me. Shaluma..we have seen a groom for you. He is also working for IT and very soft natured. His family also is good. He is the only son.

Mom!! Does he have a name..

Oops..sorry he is Madhan..I will bring his photo to you. They are coming to see you tomorrow. No compulsion. You see the guy and if you like him then we will proceed.

Mom left me in my room alone with the photo of this guy called Madan. I wish I had a sister. To be continued.