Sunday, May 30, 2010

To My Dearest Ammamma


She walks in Beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
If I just close my eyes all I see is her. She walking in front of hindi prachar sabha.She hugging me and the feeling of being safe when she hugs me.
Time really flies fast. Its been a month since she left us and it still feels as if its only yesterday I saw her.The last time I saw her alive is in November last year. I stayed in chennai only for a day and somehow on that day we managed to bring a cake and did cake cutting for her birthday. Though belated still it was nice since I could be with her and celebrate with her. It felt great when Anannya and she both were sitting in the swing. She was looking tired but still acitve by taking pictures even on that day. Did I ever realize that, thats the last time I am going to see her.She kept telling me even then that I should buy a house for my parents. That seemed to be her only worry.Ammamma..The very brave yet very kind. I was very tired and I wanted to sleep. But if I close my eyes all I see is her.I wish I could just go back in time and get a chance to spend all those moments with her one more time.Missing her. Missing her a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Ammamma and Amma

My mother is wonderful woman to be remembered for ever till world exist. she is like a woman Gandhi. Gandhi struggled for freedom of india but my mother struggled lot for the welfare of her children. Gandhi walked all over india for sake of indian people and my mother walked all over the madras to take tution for the sake of her chldren.
she led a very simple life like Gandhi. she wanted her children to live in own house because she suffered a lot in rented house shifting here and there so she has shed her blood to earn money by way of taking tution . she has never requested for help from others even in critical financial position. She is used to take care of everything by her own.she is master of all arts. while learning one art she was capable to teach the same arts to other and earn money. she is woman in gender only but she is very brave even when compared to man. she construted a house at neelangarai at the age of 65 without anybodys.she never spent any money for the sake of her comfort also even she did not expect any money even to spend for her own healh from others. she led the family with out debt.
she worked for her family as father and mother in all occasion. At age of 83 she knitted swetter for her grand daughter's daughter .she never wasted single minute without doing anywork till her last minute. I have written all about her but very difficult to follow her path even in my dream. At end of her hour she chanted god's nama. I am very proud to say G.R Malathi is my mother though she is not with me now her memories will always be with me forever.



by g.r. seethalakshmi.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ammamma and VG Aunty


viji aunty, ammamma's last daugther in law and also her favorite dil. We are blessed that we could also be in the marriage of raja uncle and Viji aunty. The shopping we had done for the wedding and the time we spent in the marriage as kids were just too good.
This is a writing from Viji Aunty.
I miss my mother-in-law so much. She was my best friend. She never bothered her daughters-in laws with rules and regulations. She was always simple. She was also very strong and brave. I remember when she came to New York for the second time, She came home by her self. Raja was waiting at J.F.K. but the plane landed in New Jersey airport. So, she talked to some kannada people, and they said they are going to Queens. She shared a taxi with them and came home by herself. If any other seniors were in that position, they would be worried so much. I still remember her jokes. We both used to laugh so much. She never gossiped.On the 10th day early morning at 4am, I felt that she came to bless us. I felt her smell and presence in my bedroom. She also came 2 times in my dreams. I am very happy my kids got some time to spend with their grandma. They love her so much and now they miss her so much. She helped me a lot of times too. But I didn't get a chance to return them back. But she was still a very satisfied person. Whatever I cook she enjoyed. One time I showed my poems to her she liked it and said it was very good. I also used to complain I was a short girl. She used to say no you are not, You are the perfect height, which made me feel better. She was the sweetest person I have ever met. We never are going to replace her emptiness. We were not blessed to be with her in her last days, but I am glad Raja spent some time with her and took some videos. Those videos are precious to us. Sahithya and Kavya wrote a letter to her, and in the video after she read it she kissed that letter. Oh! God so sweet...........Now in my gods place we are having her photo with a light. Really, I don't like it like that.....I can't believe it......and I can't write any ......more............I am crying... I am praying her to give me her braveness and strength.Viji

Ammamma and VG Aunty


viji aunty, ammamma's last daugther in law and also her favorite dil. We are blessed that we could also be in the marriage of raja uncle and Viji aunty. The shopping we had done for the wedding and the time we spent in the marriage as kids were just too good.
This is a writing from Viji Aunty.
I miss my mother-in-law so much. She was my best friend. She never bothered her daughters-in laws with rules and regulations. She was always simple. She was also very strong and brave. I remember when she came to New York for the second time, She came home by her self. Raja was waiting at J.F.K. but the plane landed in New Jersey airport. So, she talked to some kannada people, and they said they are going to Queens. She shared a taxi with them and came home by herself. If any other seniors were in that position, they would be worried so much. I still remember her jokes. We both used to laugh so much. She never gossiped.On the 10th day early morning at 4am, I felt that she came to bless us. I felt her smell and presence in my bedroom. She also came 2 times in my dreams. I am very happy my kids got some time to spend with their grandma. They love her so much and now they miss her so much. She helped me a lot of times too. But I didn't get a chance to return them back. But she was still a very satisfied person. Whatever I cook she enjoyed. One time I showed my poems to her she liked it and said it was very good. I also used to complain I was a short girl. She used to say no you are not, You are the perfect height, which made me feel better. She was the sweetest person I have ever met. We never are going to replace her emptiness. We were not blessed to be with her in her last days, but I am glad Raja spent some time with her and took some videos. Those videos are precious to us. Sahithya and Kavya wrote a letter to her, and in the video after she read it she kissed that letter. Oh! God so sweet...........Now in my gods place we are having her photo with a light. Really, I don't like it like that.....I can't believe it......and I can't write any ......more............I am crying... I am praying her to give me her braveness and strength.Viji

Art of Giving




Please do not search anything in this related to the title. Something I learnt not today..but just felt like writing about it today.At times we do somethings for someone without any expectations..and with just love..unconditional love...There is one thing that if it is not reciprocated may be its hurting..but if its not given any value or if they really dont appreciate us doing things for them and if it doesnt add any value or doesnt make them feel happy..then there is no point of doing it. The effort in breaking our heads in finding a gift and seeing something and get excited thinking that when we give it to them and when they open and see it..they are going to love it and then give them to realize.that they react to it with..oh okay..please keep it there..it just hurts..hurts a lot...Well so..what to do?
Actually I like if someone surprises me with a gift which very very rarely has happened and also had happened quite long long ago...and in the same way I love to surprise others also with gifts or with things which I assume they would like.Anyways..I dont think I am going to change.Today is just another day of being so foolish.
In the end whether it is some fruits that you got or some keep sakes whatever be it..it lies there untouched..laughing at you..or rather cursing you saying why did you buy me at all?
Now my thoughts again goes to ammamma. My ammamma..also used to buy some things for me..as gift..she has got me some pearl chains..I am not a person fond of jewellery. Rather I would like to go to street shopping and buy lots of earrings and bangles from the road side shops rather than go and buy in gold or diamonds or pearls. But my ammamma loves to buy in pearls or stones that are of some astrological benefits. Suddenly she started showing passion towards it and used to gift me such things for my brithdays which I hardly appreciated. Ofcourse I would not tell her that I didnt like it because I dont want to hurt her..so I will wear it on my birthday and remove it. Later whenever she comes to our house I used to wear it just to please her. Now I dont have even a single one which she gifted and it makes me really feel sad. So I dont have right to complain on anyone as I myself havent kept it safe.
Well whatever in the end what I wanted to tell is I wanted to write something positive about the art of giving which I would in my next message..Till then..Love All Serve all :)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Ammamma and Ranjani

This writing is by Ranjani...Ammammas most beloved grand daughter..
Ammamma always used to be very proud of Ranjani..She used to tell me that..Ranjani..has the blessings of lord saraswathi.be it studies or be it her musical talents..she is blessed..and Ranjani..I remember her and my own sister both wearing a blue colour frock stitched by Ammamma..and used to almost keep fighting with each other for toys and games and what not...
This is a writing by Ranjani..and Wish Ammamma could raed it..As I start reading it...tears are rolling down and fresh memoreis are revovling in my mind..

Ranjani writes ....

It was Thursday (20.05.10) around 4 am when i got this dream. There was some Pooja going on at Ammamma's Home.. and we all had gathered there. The acharya was chanting mantras. All the ladies (My Mom, Doddamma(Rama) and Periamma (ruckmani)) were busy arranging things.. there was a wave of sadness around cuz the familiar face, neatly dressed, holding the camera n clickin away lotsa pictures was missing.. i was searchin for ammamma every now and den.. but couldn't find her there at all.. atlast, the function got over.. and every1 were goin towards the pooja room (near the corner of the hall). Once every1 was done, suddenly ammamma appeared, dunno from where.. She was so real, and there was dis brilliant brightness wen i looked at her.. Like a god.. .. N she was draped in the Purple saree.. Do u remember anitha??? .. every1 went upto her and got her blessings. It was as if, she came there oly to bless all of us.. Everybody around were sad and crying, 'She said 'Don't worry. I din go anywhere. I am here only'. and that's it. There was an abrupt pause. I suddenly felt a lil awake.. I din want to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to go on.. I wanted to feel her presence.. I wanted to hear her voice again.. I was scared to open my eyes.. I wanted the dream to be real.. but then it was not.. I suddenly woke up shuddering and scared.. there were goosebumps all over.. I had met her a week back (apr 17th) .. She was very weak and was lying on bed... As soon as she saw me, she smiled at me and asked me to sit near her. She took my hands and kissed it (She always does tat wen i meet her) and She was holding my hands tight.. She neva wanted me to leave...Next week, my dad called and told me that she s getting better.. Was a lil relieved. I was waiting for tat weekend to com so tat i could meet her on sat.. but neva could i meet.. :(( I miss her so much.. I wish i could meet her for 1 last time n talk to her and be with her.. i still remember the days me n suji used to go to her home, play cards with her.. esp trump.. Me n suji used to be partners n used to cheat ammamma.. She'll find it out and v all ll laugh our hearts out.. Miss dos days, wen i used to take tuitions along with her.. I used to keep dictations and teach few lessons to her students... Miss those days, (wen i was waiting for my call from TCS and totally jobless), every afternoon i used to go there and have lunch.. She'd neva lemme starve.. she'd serve food for me with loads love and affection.. She'll make nice dosas for me in the evening... Miss those Evenings wen v used to go upstairs, water the plants, take pictures if they had flowers in them, enjoy the sunset scenery.. Play carroms with Madhumita who stays next door. Whenever she was alone, i used to go her place n sleep over... Miss those nights which was filled with her bed time stories.. Shees a gr8 narrator.. Love the way she narrates.. and above all, I miss her JOKES and RIDDLES... not oly me, evey1 is a gr8 fan of her jokes and riddles and ofcourse her photography...She'd never stay idle even for a while.. At the age of late 70s, she used to go to Hindi Prachar Sabha to get books for her students.. N i used to accompany her in auto.. There wen she goes, I was shocked to c every1 coming to her, talk to her and n get her blessings.. Every1 has so much of respect towards her.. This shows how she has led her life... She has lead a Complete life. .Shees a legend... and above all a ROLE MODEL to all of us.. Every evening wen she gets bored, she used to come to my home.. and she me, my mom and dad used to play cards and carroms together.. And after v r done, I used to take her on my Scooty Pep and drop her back.. I miss those evenings so much.. Everytime I go to that home, there is no one to ask me 'How I am', there is no1 to take my hands and kiss me.. The very thought of it aches my heart and mind so much... n above all, she wanted to c me getting married.. This was one of her wish wch i couldn't fulfill... Dear Ammamma, m really really sorry for tat.. but i know that u r here, watching all of us and blessing us all... Miss u ammamma.. I love u so much.... Ranjani...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

We Love Ammamma..


Thinking Of You - Ammamma


Thinking of You - Ammamma
Meetings and Partings are the happenings of the world. My friend once told this to me.But at times certain people we meet touch our lives in such a way that without them, we are no longer the same. Life seems so incomplete without them.My ammamma is one such kind. She is a very independent lady and I have never seen her being dependent on anyone for anything. She is very brave and a strong willed person.Like I said, I fear staying alone, as anytime am alone..my thoughts end up thinking about ammamamma...and it feels as if she is alive..and when I think of the reality of what happened its like honey bee stinging feeling...becoz am guilty.
Today I was in train...and thinking about her...When I saw a old couple. The old lady came to me and asked me how I am and if I recognize her. I really couldnt recognize her. The next thing she asked is how is your ammammma..I was surprised and shocked and I was wondering who it was when she said she is from Desur, the village where I worked in Bank and to me she had just been one of the customers to whom I help but somehow she remembers me. She said that she had come to close her TD account to bank and I helped her a lot patiently. And she has seen me and ammamma in temple regularly. It felt good seeing her but after she left I couldnt stop thinking about the carefree days in Desur with ammamma..
I remember walking home for lunching..thinking what she would have cooked for me..I am thinking about the way we gossip and eat lunch and laugh ...She asking me to keep some good god songs...while I keeping some movie songs playing it loudly...And exactly the same time I keep the song...the loudspeaker in the village will start playing some other songs in the near by tea shop...how many moments..our temple visit...shoppings...and me playing cricket with the school boys..the kids coming for tution...the latenight movies...she sleeping in between and suddenly waking up and asking me...what happened..wow those moments..I really miss her a lot and am feeling very very very lonely..
It didnt feel like having dinner alone..without anyone near to whom I can say atleast few words about her..Even the maid had already finished her dinner.But yeah..thoughts of ammamma..was still there in heart..I wish I could talk to her. I wish whatever I write..she could read it or hear it from my thoughts..
I miss you ammmamma..I never ever could be strong like you...Wish I were and Wish I could..At times it feels really really lonely without you..With whom should I share those fears..those lonely moments..To whom I can tell that am feeling sad, am feeling helpless and who is going to make me smile with all those caring words..
The time we spent in Desur in the hut and then it the terrace..talking about stars..playing songs and listening to it...That was the time we actually were behaing like friends ammamma..I want to tell you so many things ammamma.I am feeling very lonely right now..I am feeling so stressed..I feel as if God is playing games with me...Letting me down when I need him the most...and ammmamma...wish I could see you..now for just one time.
Missing you.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Dreaming in Dream


Ammamma, I had a strange dream. In which also I was sleeping and dreaming. It was your house..You were there talking to me and Anu, telling us about your tution visits and then asking us to sleep. It was like so real. I could clearly see you feel you and listen your voice. And then I wake up realizing it was just a dream and there were tears in eyes. And In reality also I woke up.


I was so confused thinking if its just a dream or a dream in a dream or whatever..Because I had taken medicine I was all the more drowsy but I did remember your face and your expressions when you were talking. Today I saw pics of yours again. Writing to you feels as if you are alive there waiting to read them. You know there was a story sixth sense, in which the doctor who was a psychiatrist comes as a spirit and helps a boy. Will you not do that to me ammamma.


Can I have a hope of seeing you..atleast in my dreams. Now a days I want to keep sleeping so I could keep seeing you even if it is only a dream. Ammamma, do you hear me. Can you understand any of it.




I am alone,


With loneliness awaiting for me.




I am at loss


I am with grief


I wanted to share it with someone


Needed a shoulder to lean upon..




There was my mom..


Already depressed.


I managed to put a smile


To give her the courage she needed.




I went to my friend,


To share my pain..


She was there with all smiles


to show her just born to me


And I came back with another fake smile..




I went to my loved one


To share this fear...


He was busy with his exam fear..


And I turned back yet another smile...




To those I spoke


They dont understand..


To whom I wanted to speak


Were too busy to listen..




And then when I turned back..


I saw the loneliness..


waiting for me


giving its shoulder to lean on....




It feels so lonely ammamma without you..


What difference it makes ammamma...


Finally its after all just a blog and you wont even know about it..


But yet


We miss you ammamma...miss you a lot.


Thursday, May 06, 2010

Missing YOu Ammamma..


Ammamma, How come time flies so fast..Its already a week since you left me..left us...

Life seems to have come back to a normal phase...Wake up , get ready, get Anannya ready...go to work..work...take tea break..take lunch break..smile with friends..come home...etc..etc...

But still...always there is a pain inside..Am guilty and I can never come out of it...I had a choice of coming and seeing you..of coming and taking you to hospital..which I never did...Now any amount of tears or ache will not bring back the moment..It just seems like only hours since I spoke to you..Your voice..keep ringing in my ears...When am writing this..I am already blind with tears..Will you ever be reading this..Did you read the letter I sent with amma...

You know ammamma..am not able to sit alone..even for a minute without feeling the pain of missing you..So am always being with people..Even at work, if I have to sit alone and work am not able to do that..am calling people or simply joining conference call..When I wake up the first thing in morning am missing you..I am thinking of the days we spent in Desur...

Then my routine starts..but every 10 minutes there is a thought of you..you sittng with me and teaching me how to do knitting...You taking hindi tutions..we both correcting hindi papers..

You doing the gardening....You teaching me to cook..You who taugh me how to play chess..

The you who when I got tired and couldnt complete the kniting took it and completed...You who taught me to do embroidery..The You who taught me to do painting..You...with whom I walked miles in chennai..in kotturpuram..nandanam...and where not..It just seems likeyeserda..when I came with you in my ninth month of pregnancy to send you in auto...

You holding my hands when I was in labour pain.

You holding Anannya and blessing her..

You who gave me the moral support whenever I needed it..

You who always show meyour poems and drawings and jokes...

I am not able to share this with anyone ammamma.

In the end I couldnt do anythng for you..when I could have done it.

Will I ever forgive myself.\

I miss you..miss you a lot...and I am feeling very guilty..

Its becoz of my carelessness..

Miss you Ammamma.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Ammamma...We miss you.


My grand mother passed away...

Is there any word which could actually describe the pain I feel in losing her...I am lost for words..and I have lost her..

Death...I was acqainted with death only through the news paper and movies and news..It was just like as if part of life..Never had experienced it so close..What if my grand ma is 85 years old..who said it means that she has lived her life...she still had some dreams unfulfilled..I still cant believe that I will not be able to see her anymore..

My grandma...who has been supprotive of me from the time I could remember..Till the time I got married and settled..till then almost there has not been a week where I wouldnt have seen her...I am really at loss of words..what to write and what not to write...

why is it that suddenly the world seems so selfish..why is it at times we do not recognize our priorities and give values to those that doesnt matter...

How will I let her know that she meant a lot to me..and how is it going to help her in anyway..if I say it now..I couldnt find time to talk to her the last 2 weeks because of I was busy..busy at work...but in the end one soul who has needed me..to whom I could have brought some hope..has lost her life...and am here..sitting and writing about it..

Most of the time in our lives..the people whom we take for granted are the only people who had cared for us a lot and love us a lot..Because we knwo that they are going to love us anyway..we take them for granted and run behind those who either ignore us or who doesnt know the value of relationships.

I was watching ammamma...seeing her inside the glass pane..it was like..as if snowhite was lying down..I was so desperately looking at her..what if she suddenly winks her eyes.

or what if she moves or what if she shakes her legs..or what if she feels cold and what if she is still alive and dies becoz of breathlessness

so many thoughts..but she never moved..it felt as if she is lying down in peace...

Next day when I felt her..when I touched her hands....when I felt her face...it all felt so strange..

The rituals that followed..oh no.i dont even want to write about them......am not able to forget them..

Memories...memories are pleasant only when there is hope...Hope of meeting those whom we love..as long as it is there they are pleasant..the moment the hope ceases and when there is no hope..how could memories be pleasant ..They seem like burden to carry in heart..

If I close my eyes..I could see ammamma..walking towards me..the time I spent with her...arguing about things...taking her in auto...listening to her songs..stories..jokes and poems....How many stories she shared with me...some of them which seemed so intimate to her...she could share with me like a friend....and I was able to talk to her like a friend..There was no generation gap and nothing...And in the end when she needed me the most..I wasnt there with her...

And she has always been a role model..always taught me so many values in life..she has been there with me in Desure..where I was afraid she gave me the courage to go and face the work culture in bank ..whenever I felt lonely..becoz some friends hurted me or someone ignored me..she was there...to listen to me..and has told me that she has lived her life alone..facing everyone alone..and she gave me company..and now...am alone...and her death also has taught me something...

it feels now..as if people around us are selfish..including me...I dont knwo about others..btu I had been selfish..thinking about my famiily..my daughter my husband..my friends..my work...

and I didnt have time to think about a old lady who had given me support..And now on her death..when I needed someone who could hold me or who could understand me..I too had none....becoz everyone are busy...We are all busy..always..that we dont find time to let our dear ones know that WE CARE for them..we postpone it for tomorrow..we keep postponing it for tomorrow that we forget that some day we are also going to become old...and the tomorrow is never going to come..

I postponed seeing ammamma..in the end one day..one tomorrow made all the difference...The only good thing that happenned is I had called her up...I had called up my mom...and said I felt like talking to her..but she was sleeping..

And when she woke up she called me..the last 10 minutes..the last few words I spoke..it feels as if she knows..she is leaving..it was like farewell...she just said my dearest anitha...how is anannya..how is pavan..I love you..bless you and i am going to die..you please come..and what not...I cant write anymore..all I am left with is tears which are blocking my vision..

Ammamma..I miss you..we all miss you..I dont know if I ever will come out of the guilt of not seeing you..not taking you to hospital...I dont know if you would ever forgive me and if I ever have the right to ask forgiveness...

Ammamma...WE ALL LOVE YOU...and we are blessed that we were part of your life...

Miss you ammamma.. A LOT....miss you..

Wish you had waited just one more day ammamma....