Where did Every one go?

Monday started with no blues and with full of life. No morning tensions at home. Reached office on time ;-) and started work. EVerything seemed so perfect. But then..now a days..getting into off mood is the easiest thing that occurs so naturally to me. So evening dont know what triggered my mood off..but the minute I was in a bad mood, I attracted things which could spoil my mood even worse.

So suddenly in the evening..i felt desperately lonely...needed a shoulder to cry on..and ofcourse didnt want to hear any advises. And then I thought I will call home..My home number..guess my daughter did not keep the receiver properly so not reachable. Then I called my college friends. .you dont have to keep in touch with them but still can catch up with good old times whenever you call them. For a change..everyones number I had..and every ones mobile was ringing..no one picked up...Whats wrong..

Then I called up my uncle..thinking may be i could talk to him to change my mood..but same story...phone ringing no one picking up..

Finally I called up my cousin....who was very busy and asked me to call tomorrow..And after I disconnected I felt very lonely..but by then I reached home.

And when I entered there my princess..she was standing and telling some story to her aunty :-). She was holding a small dog (ofcourse toy..she is like me..in getting scared of dogs and cats) and telling her aunty..Aunty you mix milk for the doggy..what the dog name i kept.i forgot..ya ya timmy..you mix milk put three full spoons of pediasure okay..mix properly okay otherwise timmy will not drink...and then seeing the expression of her aunty...she turned back to see me..and came running and gave a hug ammmmma...you are home..see ammma..timmy not drinking milk..what do now? Seeing her face full of innocence...and the way a three year old speaks..it just filled the heart with happiness..

So what did I say..mood off..who got mood off...

By the way..where did everyone go..Was it some earth hour or something yesterday that everyone decided not to pick up their call????!!!!

I AM TIRED..

Someone Asked..Hey Are You Ok?
And I replied..Yes I am OK. Just TIRED..little bit...

So What I meant is..I am
Torn apart,Insecured,Really Faking my smile,Extremely Sad and Drowning in my own tears..

And if you ask me Why...I would reply..I really dont know.

Actually physical activities make you tired but then the recovery from that tiredness could just be a good rest..a good sleep..you wake up and you are perfectly fine and even active..

But its the state of our mind which keeps us active or tired. When you do something you really love to do..or enjoy doing it with people whom you love to be with...then any kind of activity may never make you tired.

But at the sametime if you are stressed out..I dont know..how all kinds of problems gets a hint that one person is stressed out , so lets go visit him and reaches us as quick as possible and wait in queue to say a hello to us. And it adds more stress to decide which one of the problems to address first.

Sometimes we always keep expecting more from some people in our lives probably because we also would do them more. Sometimes certain situations comes up which puts you in a totally helpless state and all you can give the other person is some excuse. Sometimes in life we dont know what is the right thing to do and end up doing something which might lead to a big change.

Whenver we do any plan using our brain..especially in my case with the limited access I have with my brain..we tend to forget to have a mitigation plan because of the interupption or risk to our plan caused by our heart.

Wow.How can someone blabber so much early in the morning...

Well Like I said..I AM TIRED..really...

At some point of time when you are very very tired..probably it might lead to a state of mind where you dont care about anything..anyone..and start losing your cool and start yelling at people for no reason..which I just did... Thankfully got back to my senses in few minutes...and had the courage to call that person back and tell sorry too.

So well..now am in a great mood..and you can talk to me at your own risk :-).

My Dear Ammamma.

Life sometime becomes too hectic that we forget what we are looking for, what is the priority and infact at times to some extent that the mere purpose of living is forgotten. April 29th 2010. That is the last time I spoke to my ammamma..and I lost Ammamma the same day last year.Actually that incident is something which reminds me of what difference one day coul'd make.
I spoke to her and supposed to meet her the next day and unfortunately couldnt meet her.

Ammamma...Every time I think about her, I still feel her presence.The last time I had seen her was in November in 2009. Though her birthday was on 18th of November, still we celebrated it when I was in chennai. She was still carrying her camera and taking photos of us. She did cake cutting and fed all of us. After that we all had dinner together. I sat with her. Anannya also was there with me. It just kind of still feel as if it had happened yesterday.


Throughout my days in Desur, she was with me. We were more friends than a grand daughter - mom relationship. I was able to share with her everything..every fear , every hope and every dream. Really now if I sit back and think I had never realized how much she had been a close friend rather than my granny. She was an amazing cook. With literally very little kind of things available she could cook great and yummy dishes. Not only patience but also she was equally bold. Very Bold.
She was taking tuition classess in Desur. If there had not been an accident, we would have probably stayed together for even more time. One small accident, I became adamant of sending her back to Chennai. Literally she sacrificed her tutitions which was actually her passion..just to be with me to guide me and to support me in joining SBI. The life there was actually simple. How many nights we would have had our dinner in terrace. How many nights we would have spent sitting in terrace and talking to each other endlessly. How many stories she would have told me sitting in the terrace. About her life, about her past and also about epics..so much of minute details she could fill in from Mahabarath, Ramayana and Bhagavatham. Really it was a golden period of my life which I never realized.

Yes...sometimes we understand the value of certain moments after its ended and after realizing that it will never happen again. And that is how it feels about Ammamma. She is really really great. She was always confident and very bold. Self respect matters a lot. I am missing you a lot Ammamma.

Wish I could spend some more time with you.Wish atleast once I could have brought you to singapore.

Right now ammamma wish you were near me..so I could talk to you..from my heart.

Ammamma..Right now..

She goes through each day, With a smile on her face
She holds herself well, With much poise and grace
She laughs and she smiles, She seems so happy and free
But deep deep inside, There’s something no one can see
When you look at her you think, She has must have everything
But you’ll never know, The song she must sing
Its one filled with grief, Lonely and sad
You cant see the loss, The horrid experiences she had
So while you see laughter, When you look into her eyes
Its just her way to hide, All the tears she has cried
She goes through the same, Time after time
She watches everyone’s happy ending, Wondering where’s mine


I am in tears now ammamma..thinking of you..missing you and needing you.

The Cup Of Pride

It was one of those WOW Moments. Eyes were glued to the television and the heart skipped a beat when Dhoni played the perfect captains knock and hit the ball to SIX and wow...India won the World cup after the long wait of 28 years..:-). The Golden Moment :-):-):-) Cant put enough smileys....

It was not only a perfect gift for we the Indians but indeed the most deserving gift to Sachin who has been waiting for this since 1992.

This time right from quarters it was all a tough match. The quarter finals with Australia...Semis with Pakistan which almost was like world cup final and then came the final with Srilanka. When India lost the toss...ooooppsssss...it felt awful and almost took half the confidence away. But when Srilanka made a score of 275 it still gave some hope..Hope that now still we have a chance to win.

Actually this time we had some friends at home..and we had called our friends to see the India - Pakistan Match => The semis. As everyone is aware this match meant more than the finals at that moment. And wow...it was an amazing performance from our bowlers and we won. So we wanted to make sure that the luck works..and so the same gang of people sat together for the finals. One side our kids were shouting hurray..out and all kinds..and other side we were all fighting. In the semis..one of our friends..used to get some production support call and whenever he went out getting a call Pakistan was losing a wicket..and so we tried the same for finals..but it didnt work..and the luck was bad for me..whenever I was sitting in front of TV India was losing the wicket..so i almost was sitting alone in my bedroom and was checking scores in i phone..whenever out of curiosity i came out..we lost Tendulkar,Virat kohli and then..finally when Dhoni and Gambhir was playing..i thought its okay to come and see..but the minute i came out..Gambhir was gone..i still feel guilty as if he missed his century becoz of me ;-).
Finally I came out only for Dhonis six :-).

Though there is lots to write about Tendulkar, Yuvraj, Zaheer khan, Harbajan and everyone who are part of the team my heart indeed keeps replaying Dhonis six. He has been a wonderful captain and especially in the match that was full of pressure..and with lots of expectations all over, a stadium full of crowd waiting for the golden moment...he handled it in a great manner.

A good leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way..and that was Dhoni..:-)

Really hats off to Dhoni and his team for giving India the long awaited Cup of Pride.

Jai Hind.

I love you.

Its the small things that actually fill the heart with bliss. We keep worrying about all big things that we forget to enjoy all those small moments.

Today I was playing with my daughter and then I was trying to put her to sleep. But my mind was totally pre occupied with work. I was just thinking so deeply on how to do and what to do and when to do on work related items. Though I was there physically with my daughter my mind was not there. Then she asked me to sing for her.Well no one except my daughter has the courage to ask me to sing and listen to my songs also :-).

Then I started humming songs for her still all the way thinking about work, work and work. And after sometime I was like losing patience also. When she would sleep and when I can login? Then while I was still singing..she suddenly said..
Amma..I love you.

Wow. That was worth more than anything in life. Suddenly life felt blessed. It felt like those words suddenly brought me back to the present. Oops. I already spend very little time with her and even during that time If my mind is occupied with something else..its an injustice :-(.

How nice it is if we learn to and able to live each and every moment and enjoy that very moment. Easily said than done. So well my darling princess indeed made my day with a sudden surprise of those words and it really felt so nice.
Now I put her to sleep...till that time I spent quality time with her. And then logged back..to work..but at the same time wanted to log it in my blog as well.

All that matters is simple moments, love, care, understanding...and then..life is bliss. Well its just a matter for 2 weeks for valentines day as well.
So tell your loved ones..that you love them and mean it...it makes wonders to those who love you.

Love All;Serve All;

And its okay to say I LOVE YOU as many times as you want as long as you mean it. No one gets bored to hear it ..alteast women dont get bored to hear that they are being loved :-).

Anannyas Sports Day

After long time A sports day. For a change not as a student or a participant but as a parent. It was really indeed one of the most wonderful days of our life.
And it was so nostalgic and I was actually thinking of my dad.

The day started at around 6:30 am. I woke up and was admiring my daughter for sometime and then saw the time it was 6:45 . Oops..8 am her bus will come. And then came the shock...Her shoes :-). Any important day in my life will always start with some shock and there it was. Her shoes were literally wet...dripping with water since our maid washed it. And then no choice..her dad had to literally drive to Mustafa as fast as possible to buy new shoes. well her first sports day cant take any chances :-). And that reminded me of my dad..how many events..and how many times he would have gone to shops or to friends house for getting all those which we forget in the last minute.

Then Anannya was also as excited as me for her sports day and without troubling much she was ready by 8. Her bus and her dad came at the same time and fastet fingers first..I put her shoes in that speed when she was in the school bus. And then started my princess.

And then we went to GIIS stadium. It was kinder garden sports day. Kids in yellow,blue and red sports uniform. The stadium looked so colorful as if we were standing in a butterfly garden. It was really such a wonderful sight. And it was cloudy..everyone there worried if it would rain but thanks to Rain God. It was cloudy and a good weather with no rain. A perfect sports day and a perfect start.

Small kids did march past which was a feast to the eyes. Those little kids with little steps. And then started the colour ful sports event with KG childern doing gymnastics..Wow!!!!

Then there was race...It was lovely watching Anannya running taking a stuffed toy and putting the toy back in a basket. And the wonderful thing is prizes were awarded to each participants. No Differentiation. Each one won a medal with a smile in their faces.

And then there was race for paretns. 400m running for fathers. I just couldnt stop laughing seeing the dads run. Most of them were like jogging. And then there was a race for mothers which was lucky round race. Anyways only Anannya got a medal :-).

It was a gala event and watching sports day as a parent is indeed a different kind of feeling. And there were proud moments to see our small darling daughter doing march past, participating in race and getting a medal. Just Amazing and brought in lots of nostalgia too :-).

Muje Rula diya woh...

The last three days.

After a really tiring day reached home on Thursday night hoping that a hug from my little princess will make everything okay. But she was down with fever and rash. I literally rushed to the opposite clinic and they asked me to take her to KK children hospital.The irony is that..its in Emergency section that it takes so much time to see the doctor. I was not able to carry her because in any way I carry she was feeling discomfort. I really missed the presence of my hubby.

Generally if my daughter is unwell he will be the cool head one trying to play with her and make her cheerful when all I do is to hug her and feel worried to death. I was trying really hard to keep my cool and trying to cheer her up. Finally after seeing the doc at around 11:15 I reached home at 11:45 with her. There were my friends who called me and gave me all the support.

As if the problem was not enough I started feeling really giddy in the cab. Probably because of the tiredness and since I kind of was fasting the whole day. I really dont know how I managed to reach home. Thank God.

These three days kind of have given me the realization of how much it is important for us to be healthy so that we can take care of our family. Its all a wrong timing that at the same time I had also got fever and I didnt know whether it might go to her.

The first week 2011

New Year indeed started with Wow!!! The count down and fire works at Marina bay was a feast for eyes. Our cousin also joined us and Anannya also enjoyed it. But after the day dawned wow..it already feels as if a year had passed by. So many things in just one week that I didnt find time to do any of the activities I had planned as part of New Year Resolutions.

One good thing is about our daughter having joined the Indian school (To write about it I definitely need a seperate post otherwise I wouldnt be doing justice to it) and the value add it had given is now no choice have to wake up early. So the last few days the moring reminds me of my school days...were my mom used to wake up early put rangoli take bath do pooja and when she wakes me up she would be fresh and the house will be filled with the aroma of incense sticks and some devotional song. Now our mornings are like the same and am blessed that my daughter is so eager to go to the new school that she didnt trouble much about brushing her teeth taking bath and eating breakfast. And I too feel really blessed now I have a chance again to do all these things myself. The joy of doing all this to our kid as a mom is indeed a bliss.

Apart from that the rest of my days so far was too much occupied with things happening at work. Mostly work related stress, I avoid carrying it home not to mess with the very few hours of am getting with my daughter and with my hubby. But somehow things at work is the only thing my mind is always pre-occupied with. Thinking about it again and again..replaying it again and again and again.

There is a saying..You dont have to always wait to learn from your mistakes, sometimes you can learn it from others mistakes as well. And I fall into the category where I dont learn from my mistakes itself. Well as long as you keep thinking with heart this problem will never get resolved and the lesson is never going to be learnt.

In the end there is one life and what comes as the priority is purely an individuals choice...Wow its so easy to write this. But with practical problems and in reality how difficult it is to follow it and to decide on our priority. At times the items that are least priority becomes a number 1 priority to us and we cant do much about it.


So ....New Year..New Beginning But Same Old Stories...!!!

What cannot be cured must be endured???!!!!

Happy New Year - Year 2011

Wishing You All A Very Happy and Fab New Year.

I wish and hope year 2011 will bring in lots of happiness, lots of love and brings some dreams into reality and add more meaning to life. I wish year 2011 brings peace and love to everyone and spreads happiness to everyone.

Year 2010. Well A recap is definitely needed otherwise how would we ever learn the lessons taught by the greatest teacher...Life.

2010 had been a year with good and bad, glad and sad moments. It was filled with love, friendship,happiness, excitements, disappointments, kodak moments and a grief a loss that could never be replaced with anything. At the end of all these, I would say that, I have become slightly more a little bit matured and slightly more (may be a micron???!!) responsible. Ofcourse it has also made me hyper tensed and my temper reaches the Evert Peak within seconds. In the end, I had learnt few things which I would like to tell myself again through this blog so I dont end up forgetting it.

Well High chance to forget because I never have the patience to read what I have written. And before I go to that, this year the first two days have already gone and I havent broken any of my resolutions yet :-)
(Ssshhhh!!!! I havent yet taken my resolution) Does that mean I have become more lazier by the end of 2010.

Okay coming back to the Lessons Learnt

I have learnt that its the simple things in life that fills our heart with immense happiness...A small hug, a good night kiss, To hear I love you from your loved ones,
To watch your kid sleeping comfortably, Giving gift to someone and watch them opening it with surprise,buying tissue paper from the old aunty near office and near MRT and watching their kodak smile, a thirty second prayer to God in solitude, Love of parents, a long distance call from a best friend,a lively chat,moments with friends, playing in rain and in water etc etc.

I have learnt that no matter how much you try if someone decided to blame you they would blame you anyways good or bad whatever it is.

I have learnt that even if you win an argument you actually dont win anything.

I have learnt that there is no forever in Love. Time and Circumstance has the power to change anything..Just Anything.

I have learnt that unconditional love do exists no matter what.

I have learnt that every second you spend with your kids are indeed the golden moments of life

I have learnt that some people would hate you anyways no matter what you do. So Ignore them anyways.

I have learnt that words are indeed powerful. They have the ability to pierce a heart and break into million pieces. And they do have the power to set it right once again though the crack still remains forever.

I have learnt that silence is golden. Trust Me.

I have learnt that for some are either destined with or blessed by only solitude. Do you know you can be lonely even in a crowd.

I have learnt that, its difficult only for the first few minutes to try and laugh when inside you feel like screaming and crying for help. And its better to share our happiness with others and not to share our pain with anyone. Everyone has only one life why spoil some moment of others life by our sadness.

I have learnt that Love is the healer of all pain followed by Time.

I have learnt that some lossess can never be avoided and the grief stays and oops it never goes away with time. Especially losing a loved one.

Actually the list goes on but am sleepy.

I am yet to take my new year resolutions. May be to take new year resolution should have been my resolution.

Year 2010 I had lost my ammamma. But she still stays alive in my thoughts and I still do talk to her in my most lonely moments. Are you listening ammamma.

After 14 years this year there was no new year celebration in Chennai. Feel sad about it actually.

Well coming to the glad moments, Anannya started her schooling in 2010 and completed her pre nursery graducation ceremony in December!!!! That was just a wow moment.

Well now. Bye Bye 2010.
Welcome 2011 and when you come(you already have come) but still bring in lots of good moments every second for the whole year!!!

I am a Mom

And The Day Starts and Ends with...

Wake up Darling..
Wake up now..
Brush your teeth.
Dont eat without brushing.
No choclates...
Come back sit in sofa and watch the TV..
Eyes..will spoil..come back..
Dont cry for everything
If you cry you are not getting it
Bite and eat
Please bite and eat
BITE NOW..
Come take bath
Dont drink that water
Dont run without dressing up
Go to restroom before we start
Please go
Now
Can you hold
Dont touch it
Be careful
Drink milk
Come give me a kiss
I need a hug NOW
Story time
Dont run so fast
No.Dont say that.
Ask Daddy
Stop whining
Stop crying
Dont throw the mobile down
Sleeping Time
Good Night Dear
No jumping on the bed
Dont shout
Okay sweetu sleep now :-)
.....And it still goes on and on and on..

Pushpa

It was one of those nights when sleep seem to become a stranger and thoughts drift to the past. Sometimes we are blessed with the relationship of few people who make our lives better and when they leave us we are no longer the same and we miss them.

Pushpa. I dont know whether I have to call her as my friend or a sister or what name to give that relationship. I know she is one person who would do anything..just anything for my sake.

It was in my 11th standard that I met Pushpa in GSPT school. I was in a depressed mode that time because of Vanitha and also because of changing the school etc...etc..and a new life came in the name of shuttle badminton :-). That is when I saw Pushpa. After myself getting selected in the school team , I had a oppurtunity to choose a team of Juniors and I met Pushpa.

I found her playing wow..infact better than me..Amazing she was in playing shuttle. Not only that, I have never seen someone who take everything so easy...Forever laughing and forever making fun...of herself and others..Every moment I spent with her was fun and fun.

I dont know why..and I dont know when and I really dont know what the reason is that she became so close to me. She probably is the only one to whom I have never expressed how much she mean to me and what I consider of her. She is also the one whom I have taken for granted...taken for granted considering her as part of my family..as my sister.

The innocence in her...especially I have to narrate one incident here..It was my sisters school annual day. She was performing in school in a dance programme. And I asked Pushpa if she too want to come and see. The only differnece is that, the next day Pushpa had her public exam and I really was not expecting her to come. But there she was prompty on time..and I couldnt believe that she had come..and she came just because I asked her to come. Throughout the programme she was enjoying but I was in hyper tension knowing very well that she has absolutely not prepared for the exam.


Like wise there were so many stories to share..She keep calling herself..en rosapoo neratthukku enna avaradu...our filter coffee sharing sessions...the exam moments..the terrace moments..my wedding,my sis wedding...well almost every moment every precious moment in chennai for me..she has been part of it. Sad that she never recognized what she means to me.

Pushpa..If I think of her even now it brings a smile..for all the good moments we shared. Now I am not in touch with her. But sincerely praying God that she should be happy healthy and forever keep that smile which is her trade mark.

Meetings and Parting are happenings of the world. And I hope we would meet soon to share some good old moments.

I am still here.

Its been a really long time since I wrote and today when I wanted to write surprisingly I saw a comment asking me why no posts. There were lot of things that happenned in the last few weeks about which I wanted to share a lot many. First of all our trip to India,trip to Basara, My parents sashtiapoorthy, Back to Singapore,Challenges in the work place,my daughters graduation..ha ha she is only 3..but still..and
A friends sudden illness and the shock etc etc.

But well now this note probably is just a start to let everyone know..Please dont think that I have stopped blogging :-)

Well now what I am writing is not about any of the above what I had mentioned. Thoughts were pouring on these subjects but I didnt have time well thats an excuse..I didnt have energy may be or even the patience to sit and pen them down. But now I found time but didnt want to write about any of these.

So this post is just a mini micro post to say Hi..I am here..and sure would write soon.

Just Too Shocked.to

Its been a long time for my standards since I wrote. I was about to write about chennai times, about ammamma, about my parents shashtiyapoorthy etc etc but I was lazy still in the vacation blues. After reaching home, even if I wanted to write, I felt too tired by 10 or 10:30. Today too am tired..Too tired physically too as I am feeling bit feverish because of cough and cold. But I am still here writing as I am too disturbed on the news I heard from my friend.

My friends brother in law expired 2 weeks back and am just too shocked. Not that I know him personally or I am close to him for I dont even know who it is. But shocking is because on the realization of the fact that life is too uncertain.
He was at his early forties having a normal healthy family life with two kids. He was having some stomach pain but never took it so seriously and finally when it became worse aand he saw the doctor they diagnosed it as one kind of liver cancer in its advanced stage with pracitcally no treatment available. So within two days they sent him back home on his request. After the diagnosis he lived only for two weeks.
Two weeks..just fourteen days..I have seen such things in movie..but in reality..what would he do in just fourteen days..Will he have the time to express all his love to all his loved ones..Will he have time to spend and say all that he wanted to tell his kids..Will he have time to set a secured life to his kids..and his life partner.Will he have time to finish all the pending things that he wanted to complete..Will he have time to even cherish few of his dreams..or I want to do stuff...What would he even do...with all the pain and fear of death....Its so scary to even think about it.

How many things we store and keep like the best dress, the best jewellery, the dinner set...how many such reservations we have which are saved for the best ocassion...News like this...makes me feel that every day we live in itself is a special ocassion..Wow We are alive in itself calls for a celebration..May be it sounds too philosophical probably becoz am disturbed by this news..But still it feels right..how many days wasted with unwanted worries..grudges..expectations..etc..How many days wasted by useless arguments..
Why do people hate others..why do some talk in a way to hurt others.

Anyways am just too disturbed about it...and I feel more important in life is to start doing things that we love to do..and do it NOW..Lets not wait for a special ocassion for everything..instead..lets do it now...If you want to let someone know that they are special or you love them..say it now..If you want to give someone something...dont wait..give it now..If you want to cherish any of your dreams..dont reserve it for future..just do it now..

So let me stop here..with an advise to myself..may be..that DO IT NOW.

Wow Trump!!!!

Trump!!!!
After almost fifteen years, today got an oppurtunity to play trump. Ofcourse couldnt play hardly even one game but then it brought me the excitement of the game I used to love and crazy of.

I was introduced to Trump game when I was in my sixth standard summer holidays. I used to go to my cousins house for vacation. Me,my cousin Vidhya who is three years elder to me and our other cousin Balaji who is 5 years elder to me and the Nirmala whom we call Malu is 10 years elder to me. We four used to stay together in Malus house. That is when the first time my cousin Balaji and Malu taught me and Vidhya the game of Trump. Now me and Vidhya used to be the innocent kind and Balaji and Malu used to be partners and always used to win. No matter how good our cards were they used to win because either they will change the trump card or they will cheat us. By the time I mastered the game and started tracking which cards already were put etc etc..the vacation was over and in my own house playing cards is banned. I really missed it then.

Later I had gone to Balajis house for the next year vacation and also for a wedding in their home town. Balaji's dad my uncle was really crazy of this game and they all used to play this in terrace. A big gang used to play but very seriously. And that time we started to be partners myself and Balaji..He was an expert and if by mistake I put a wrong card thats it he will scream on top of his voice getting really tensed.. By then we both mastered lots of tricks..i mean this cheating may not work with master players..But if we get innocent young kids or cousins then no one can beat us...Changing the trump card, or cutting others card with trump card even if we have the same symbol card etc are all common. But it was fun...infact the serious game used to be even more fun. If we start playing sometimes we have played almost the whole night..Wow Miss those moments. After vacation whether I miss my cousins or not I used to miss this game a lot. At home no way dad wont allow to play and my sis also was not interested in this game.

Later the last time I played this was in VG's marriage. I went to that marriage itself mainly to play trump. That much I was impressed but unfortunately we couldnt play much since we had lots of work in the marriage. Thats it..that was when I was in my tenth..Later there was no time to have a get together or staying in others house for vacation..Each one of us became busy with our lives so trump was out of my life..

A simple game which I dearly loved...To think of it..wow..keeping a card as trump trying to score the points...the rise of tension if the next four cards were crap..the excitment when you see maximum trump cards and big cards...the supporting partner having good cards good timing and understanding..all this counts..all this were fun fun and FUN..Especially the cheating part...only when we are not serious..is also fun...Winning doesnt matter..the fun does matter..Ofcourse if our opponents are not good enough..then no fun playing this game too

Trump probably is the only card game that I was really addicted too..

Miss Playing Trump...Wish this time when I go to India for my parents sashtipoorthy I get a chance to play Trump!!!

Wow Trump :-)

Life Is Beautiful

Generally my mornings will be always busy busy and busssssssssssyyyyyy!!!
Getting my daughter ready for school, me getting ready and trying to give her breakfast...oops..its peak hyper tension time. And inspite of that I. try to keep some songs in the morning. If am in the responsible wife and mom mood , I will play suprabatham or vishnu sahasranamam or some devotional songs and if am in let me enjoy life mood then I would just play some of my or my hubbys favorite songs.

So its just impossible to hear sounds from outside as our house itself will be a source of sound pollution with either the songs or with my daughter screaming that she wouldnt eat or dress up or we both arguing with each other about who is the root cause of being late and because of which we would still be late. So with all this where is the time to see whats happening in the outside world at these peak hours.

But today was different. I couldnt sleep yesterday till almost 3:00 and so by 7:00 for a change Anannya was trying to wake me up. Amma wake up its late its late. And I woke up lazily. I have this habit of forgetting my self when I wake up from a deep sleep. On where I am and what time it is...It was like that today. And then we heard the cuckoo bird sound. It was continously saying khoo..khoooo..khoooo..so cute it was.

So my daughter told me Amma..Cuckoo bird is awake and is trying to wake you up. So I woke up anyway and we both went near the window. She climbed the table and was holding me and we both were repeating the cuckoo sound along with cuckoo bird trying desperately to find in which branch it is and if I could get a glimpse of it.
No luck. But it was a nice and beautiful moment.

Watching the very minimal greenery looking into the tree and finding the bird. It was like a beautiful morning. And there was a small breeze also and it just was wish this is forever kind of a time. Especially holding my princess hand , she hugging me close and trying to look out of window, we both desperately checking for the bird..and laughing was just a cute moment.

At times we get worried or think about unncessary things forgetting to give value to what we have.

What cannot be cured must anyways be endured. So why worry about it.

I remember reading in a hospital a sign board that says...

Congratulations. You are alive :-).

So Life indeed is beautiful. And its really good to enjoy or live every single minute. Take one day at a time :-)

Something to Smile :-) To Me By Me

Sometimes Life is so busy trying to make even mole hills to mountain and envelop you with sadness. I was almost reaching that stage is when I read my friends blog.
It was full of life. Felt so nice to read it.

It speaks only about the good things in life and wish it remains always the same.

So I think whether its possible or not, always better to find some reason to smile.

Make it a resoultion that atleast you need to find some reason to smile today.

Life is not always a bed of roses..and for some may be its full of problems always..But if we start waiting for the problem to be solved so that we can be happy..then that never ever going to happen.

So if there is a problem..but still you want to smile..just tell yourself that..Okay..Take a break..I will worry about it after thirty minutes..and then..for that thirty minutes..may be try and be happy.

Rain drop, Sun rise, Fragrance of flowers, Smile of kids, just looking at my darling princess face, Thinking of nice moments with our dear ones.., Music, Fragrance of coffee, cooking, prayer, incense sticks,toys..the list goes on and on...Cant these keep us happy for even thirty minutes.

So
Its okay if things go wrong,
Its okay if you dont get what you want,
Its okay if you are blamed for everything,
Its okay if words are filled with thorns,
You can still smile...

Becoz..

Smile is infectious..And Smile The world looks beautiful Becoz of You.

Journal of Gayathri !!!

Gayathri!!!
Thats what everyone call me. And everyone thinks am the best kid and wish their own kids behave like me. I have a sister who is 5 years younger to me. Ditti. The most naughtiest and cutest kid. And am so proud of her and at time jealous too.What is special today is that Today I have started writing my journal. And tomorrow is my birthday. Thats what everyone says. My mom, dad and my granny says that am born on March 31st. And my mom, dad and sis have gone to do shopping for my birthday. Am at home looking after my grand ma.

All my relatives love to spend time with me. Like I said most of them would tell me..Wish my daughter is like you. Well Behaved. As if I have a choice. I know my mom and dad loves me a lot and I also love them but there is a lot of difference between me and my sis.

My sis can go and hug my mom and my dad and doesnt feel any bit of awkwardness in asking what she wants doing and cries and whines a lot till she gets what she wants. If even she is having a little discomfort she would make sure my mom takes leave. At home even if my dad is watching any news or anything the moment she is in, the TV is hers. She doesnt feel bad and takes my parents for granted. She loves to get all the attention and she gets it too.

My sis is just opposite to me. Most of the time when either am busy with my studies or with some chores of cleaning, Inside there would be a longing to just throw them all and just go and have fun just like she has. At times I had felt why is it that I couldnt demand my parents to let me do whatever I like or ask them to take leave and come to my school for annual day or whatever. But I am not able to do.

My sis is a beautiful girl with fair complexion and she looks the best. People say that she looks exactly like my mom. I am just the opposite. Not so fair and probably average looks. Sometimes I have even heard comments that how is it that we both are just the opposite looking. And I would get a compliment that..But still Gayathri looks so homely. Strange!!! How come most of these people dont even think before they talk.

Well why am I writing today. I dont know. Bust just wanted to share something with my journal that one day I would have someone in life who would love me and take care of me like a princess. And there will be someone who would be only mine and whom I can love without any barrier in my heart.

My parents are back. I will be back in the night to finish this journal. Promise my J.

I am back. Ditti had got two pretty frocks and a jean for my birthday. Even my mom has got a mysore silk saree and a cotton saree. Poor Dad As usual he didnt buy anything for himself. Oh by the way I also got a dress. A yellow and brown combination. I really hated that combination. But I said wow I love this dress. Becoz am well behaved girl.

This is not the real me. I want to have the liberty of telling my parents that I dont like this dress. I want to behave like Ditti like cry and say this dress is yuck get me a new one NOW!!!! But am not able to. Because more than love what I feel is gratitude for them. I know they love me but my heart or mind Dont know which one is it keeps telling me that its not love but generosity.

I know that am blessed inspite of not being blessed. I know that there are thousands or rather millions of kids exploited in orphanage longing for some one to own them while I am blessed to be adopted by someone who loves me a lot and treats me like their own. Still at times some thoughts like this totally unwanted comes into my mind. A longing for a belonging May be. This is the first and Last Journal of my life which would speak about this. And I will end it up abruptly.
I just want to promise myself that may be some day I will make a difference in someones life. And may be some day I would feel more love than gratitue for my parents and get the feeling that they do love me and not just showing me gratitude.
May be I will get the strength to realize that. And may be some day I will have someone with whom I can share my love without any barrier in my heart. Someone who would be totally totally mine and who would consider me too a person of value not because of sympathy not because of generosity. The feeling of being a stranger at your own home is very difficult. It burdens the heart and I feel why am I not given the blessing. I feel angry with God also at times. I am stopping it here Journal for some of the feelings are not to be poured or shared with even a journal.

Gayathri!!!! Gayathri...Wake Up wake up

I woke up so confused to see my mom standing there. She had already taken bath and she looked so fresh and she had just returned from temple. Happy birthday dear. Come take the prasadam. We did archana in your name.

A new dawn. A new beginning. When I looked at her and her eyes all I felt is a mothers love and not gratitude. May be I could never be free with her like Ditti but I realized that I love her with all my heart and I felt so happy.

I just took the journal I wrote and threw it in dustbin. It doesnt matter. Am still part of a family that loves me and I love them all too.

Thats me. Gayathri!!!!

The key chain continued

The Key chain continued...

Today After a long time after more than a year am writing a blog feeling really lonely as if no one would understand me. I dont know why I feel this way. Am not sure is it because of Vanithas thoughts still aching me or is it because I hurt my best friend today because of my never think before you talk attitude or is it because I feel that apart from Vanitha everyone else actually get easily tired of me or my friendship or my love.
Anyway am tired thinking about it and so I am dragging myself to continue the key chain story.

So after Vanitha after I left Lady Sivaswami school I joined Guntur Subbiah Girls school. I was the most unwelcome student there because of my good grades in public exam. I was totally a stranger to that school atmosphere and that is when I saw U..U.Hemalatha and all her friends call her U. She is another Cindrella..just like Vanitha. Her dad expired and mom married someone and so she was staying with her grand ma and with her uncle so she did have a cindrella atmosphere. But what was touching is that she was full of life and enthusiasm. Where Vanitha was intelligent Hema was innocent and absolutely dont care attitude with studies. We became friends within a month and the next month we were best friends.
We started playing badminton and both of us used to go for zonals etc. We were able to laugh at anything and everything and I has spent my best times of my school life with her. Many times I had compromised my studies just for her sake and I became very close to her grand ma. Things were going on fine when I gave her also key chain gift. Why did I even do it. August 20th is her birthday just a day before Anannya was born and I happily gifted her a twin key chain two girls holding each other kind. Thats it..after that she flunked and she took a very different career path and education and we were still keeping in touch which also reduced and now I am absolutely not in touch with her. As I write this I feel I should call her. I had been writing to her before without any reply from her. But now may be I should definitely try to get her number and call her. So that is key chain incident 2.


Actually my main problem is that I get impressed with nice wordings. I was like crazy to the core of good greeting cards and key chains. And in chennai, if you walk across pondy bazar or go to connections or land mark you get wonderful cards and key chains. Well the next thing that happened is with my cousin. Me and my cousin when we were young we would literally fight with each other as if we were Harry and Malfoy. It was fun. But then for his BSRB exam I had given me a all the best card and a key chain. Stupid me. I was praying for him and went to call him from a village which has absolutely no telephone connection. I waited waited and waited to call him and he was busy and didnt have time to answer me. That weekend I went to see him and then I realized that he is too busy with all his new friends that he didnt have any time for me. It didnt even prorbably mattered to him that i travelled all the way to help him with his exams. Who said distance make the heart grow fonder? So thats it. Now also we are in touch with each other but the magic of the friendship we shared is no longer there.


After that it was Jayanthi. Jayanthi is my best friend from my college. She is such a wonderful human being I have ever come across. I had made the same blunder with her and we both were the bestest friends but from the time I started going to Bank that friendship kind of became from best friends to just friends. But still in my heart I know, right now she is the best friend I have and I still consider her the same.

Kavi..Kavi is my friend in Covansys. A typical scorpion guy he is. Very understanding very caring and a very good friend who can never see me upset. To him I had given a key chain as gift and lo..now its a long distance friendship. The only 2 days in a year we call each other is on my birthday and on his birthday. After that actually before that I had a gang of friends Priya, Vino , Bharathi and Prabhu in Vandavasi where I stayed. Prabhu and me were good friends and I literally adored Prabhu. He was a perfectionist and very caring about his parents and also with his friends. He writes wonderful poems and articles.
He gave me a key chain as a gift and that friendship actually broke. Probably that is the only friendship which I had stopped because I got hurt with some words. Even now at times I wonder why did I do it. Because am generally not a person who would end a relationship and i wont get angry easily and even if i get angry or upset it takes only few minutes to get over it. If the other side come and tell me sorry..infact not even a sorry if they just talk to me also I would melt and become best friends. Somehow this one friendship is a one where I got hurt and I never spoke to him again till now. Sometimes I can be so stubborn. Surprise!!!!

So thats it and now I just pray that I dont lose any more relationships because of this key chain sentiment. And I pray God that

God, Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
God, Give me the courage not to be dependent on anyone
God, Give me the strength so I dont suffocate my loved ones
God, Give me some Maturity so I understand my responsibilities
God, Give me the tolerance so I dont hurt anyone
God, Give me the wisdom so I dont complain about anyone or anything

God, Take some rest for I am going to be back with a big list of demands :)

So now..Do you want a key chain from me??? :)

The Key Chain

The key chain sentiment



There is a saying (Really??!!!) that you should not be giving key chains and kerchiefs as gifts to your loved ones. I really dont know why. Have never done any research on that. But somehow it worked in my case. I have lost my very good friends very soon after a key chain incident. Today I was really thinking a lot about it.
May be this would give me a chance to think about all those events and to conclude may be its a sheer co-incidence or may be is it really some sentiment that works for me and sadly only for me.

It started with Vanitha. Vanitha became my best friend when I didnt even know the meaning of Friendship. I had joined 6th standard in a government school and somehow I was not happy. It was a big change for me to get moved from a CBSE school to government school. From a class of 26 to a class of 86. I was upset. And in our school there were 5 sections A and B used to be of English medium and the rest three are of tamil medium. Somehow there was a impression that tamil medium students are very different and not serious about studies. It is with this opinion I had met Vanitha.

I had joined Dance class in school. And when it came to a jadhi after that we were supposed to perform arangetram ie stage performance. Now that means investing 2000 rupees for costume, fees and stage etc. We were six students and when I was excited and went home I learnt from my grand ma that its going to be difficult for my dad to arrange money. I think thats a elder daughter syndrome I decided not to do arangetram. But still was going to the class.After the first few minutes of practise when we had to do the steps for arangetram my teacher used to ask me to step out as am not going to perform in stage. It felt really sad to stand apart and watch every one else dancing that every day ended up in tears. And then I met Vanitha. She was also standing next to me watching the steps and started talking to me.

Vanitha!!! As I write this tears are filling up my eyes and I dont know what should I write about her. She is such a gem of a person. From my 6th standard till my 9th standard she has been my good friend and the irony is that I realized she is my best friend only when I lost her. Well we started talking and her language was just wow for me. Though we dont sit in same class we used to meet in breaks and at time go home together. She would walk with me till the bus stop and then would leave.

Vanitha had a very difficult life. She had lost her mom and because of which her dad married another person. Her step mom treated her well but once she had a daughter of her own and honestly because of economic reasons she had put Vanitha in government school. Its like Vanitha moved from St.Johns to our school We studied in the best school. Though its a government school it had the best teachers and best infra strucutre. I belong to Lady Sivaswami and am so happy and blessed about it.
The one commonality we shared is that, we both moved from CBSE to state syllabus for some reasons which at that age we couldnt understand. Vanitha was very understanding very caring and very very very friendly to me. She would listen to me whatever crap I used to say. She used to motivate me in everything. It was nice having her around me.

In seventh standard is when I was sick frequently. Twice I had to get admitted in hospital for 2 months I had taken break and I didnt even get a chance to see Vanitha. When I came back to school she was there again. Because I couldnt join in dance or drama because of surgery she too didnt join. She would just sit with me. I remember once she was not feeling well and scored only 35 in science. I became so upset that I removed some sheets from my answer page and went and told my science teacher..Oops I forgot her name..lalithambal miss or someone and changed my 85 to 35.
The beatings I got from dad that day ooops...I can never forget. More than that..Vanitha felt very sad about me getting 35 that she didnt talk to me for few days. The one thing I learnt from her is her patience and endurance. It was obvious that she missed her mom and her step mom didnt much treat her well. But she would never complain would always carry a smile with her.

Then in ninth standard our friendship kind of grew strong but at the same time there were lots of difference. I was becoming crazy of IIT and science ofcourse partly because of her because she too had IIT craze. And my grand father expired which I couldnt take it and I cant believe even now the way me and Vanitha had discussed about Life after death on how to make the heart beat after it stopped beating. Is it possible to bring some pressure so many stupid discussions. we both stealthily go to the restricted sections also to see if there are any books on life after death. That is when we both have tried calling the medium etc...and all. Then started I should call it FATE that Nehru stadium was going to be inagurated and we had to participate in the inagural function. There were lots of practises on the exercise and performances which I joined and she didnt. I spent almost 4 to 5 months on that. We will come to school take a bus and go to stadium to pracitse. It was fun fun and only fun. I didnt even had time to miss her. Finally just 3 days before the inagural I had gone to school for taking up a mock test and got some time to see her. She was on leave and I heard that she was not well from her class mates. How sutpid I was that I never realized to even get her address.

But I was busy. And then when I saw her after all this chaos she was looking so pale and totally not well. March 13th..Her birthday..is when I gave her a key chain. It had initials of V and A. It was in a yellow bottle kind stuff. I had gifted her that with a card.

After that exams started. Annual exams started and I couldnt see her. I managed to find her friends just to know that she is not writing. i got really worried. But didnt know that time whom to contact or what happened to her. And last day after I had come out of social studies exam her friend came and told me that Vanithas mom is waiting for me. I had gone to see her and asked what happened. She just told me that Vanitha was not feeling well and she had already taken her TC and that she is no more. And she had mentioned my name to her step mom and asking her to tell me all the best and I am her best friend. She told this and left talking casually about other things.

I am not able to write also as I still feel the shiver. I dont have any memories or any pictures of her. I just remember walking towards the mylapore market road with tears in eyes. I remember directly going to t.nagar to my ammammas house. I was not used much to share any pain with my parents becoz I worried that they will get upset or hurt so instead I went to ammamma. I just stayed there with her. The summer holidays was a mess and I just couldnt come out of the whole mess. I really dont think I could actually write how important she was and how much she meant to me. And I still feel the guilt of not being with her when she has needed me the most without even realizing it.

That time I didnt realize anything. Later I couldnt even continue in that school that I changed my school never going even to the side of Mylapore. Its not that me and Vanitha were always together but still we shared some bond some kind of understanding and commonality. I dont feel like writing anymore about it.

By the way now am relating the key chain to this is actually I myself feel it has got nothing to do with my key chain. But after that with my other friends we have not become enemies but we had parted. Like either by changing jobs or changing countries and so proxmity was not there which indeed makes a person used to the other persons absence and so it makes you feel less need of that person and in the end the friendship that is called THE BEST FRIEND becomes to a HI BYE friend or probably one more friend.

I will continue this key chain sentiment in my next blog as I really need some time to come out of Vanithas memories.